Toefl essay: People attend college or university for many...

[Amateur2]

"I just begin to write an English essay for TOEFL testing. Kindly correct and rate the following essay. Thank you for all of your advices."

People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, or increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

For many decades, education plays an important role in everyday life, and college or university is a place for whoever wants to be educated. Therefore, the most important reason that people attend the college or university is to increase their opportunity. In addition, they want to get more friends and be confident in themselves.

First of all, nowadays there is a lot of competition in finding a good job and candidates are required for the high education. The higher their education are, the more opportunity they will have. For example, owing to the continuous increase of competition in work, every year the number of freshmen attending the university is higher than that in the last year because they want to get a diploma in the high degree.

Furthermore, in every university, there are so many people from different countries. Consequently, the university is the best place for someone who wants to learn different cultures by making a friendship with other students. To demonstrate, in the university, I used to have several friends who come from different provinces. They taught me various cultures in their provinces, and I used to taste the favorite food of their home. Unless I attended the university, I would not get this experience.

Finally, having a high education makes people more confident in themselves because they used to have a great deal of experience in a university. For instance, almost every course in the university has assignments and sometimes you have to present your idea in front of several people. You will learn how to present in public. This makes you more confident to present your idea when you work or have a meeting.

All in all, although there are a number of reasons that people try to attend college and university, in my viewpoint, the three important reasons are increasing their opportunity to succeed in their work, getting new friends and learning new cultures, and getting confident in themselves.

[Narayanan Krishnaswamy]

"I just began to write an English essay for TOEFL testing. Please suggest corrections and rate the following essay. Thank you for the time you spent."
For many decades, education has played an important role in everyday life, and a college or a university is a place for anyone who wants to get educated. Therefore, the most important reason that people attend college or university is to learn more and better their opportunities of finding paying-jobs. In addition, they also make friends and become self-confident.
I have tried to show you how it should look. I have edited only the first few lines.
You have to learn more. Look at the changes I have made and continue.

[Alan]

I've heard of paid employment and well paid jobs but paying-jobs?? is a new one on me.
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[Alan]

I think you'll find that adverbs like just are usually associated with the Present Perfect and so we would have: I've just begun. Here just has the idea of recently rather than only where the Past Simple would work.
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[Alan]

I think the contributor wanted to say: want to get more friends so perhaps this can be changed to: want to make new friends.
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[Guest]

Thanks for the additional comments. They really are valuable.
narayanan.

[1esl]

Keep practicing. Remember to stay close to your original thesis statement. For example, you stated one of your goals was to meet new friends, but didn't mention your interest in other cultures untl later in your essay, where you talk about it. So that point, if you will talk about it, should be included in your introduction. Good luck.

[hapi]

I think you should say more about the benefits when attending college or university. For example:
Attending college or university can help people get more knowledge or abilities such as: communication ability, corporation ability or even independcy ability.

And then, you can give some example such as: many students who graduated from famous universities like Harvard, Yale or Oxford, can get high salary and have more opportunities to promote.....(or something like that...)

It's just my idea....
I also want to take TOEFL test in the near future, I also have to learn.

Good luck to you and good luck to me...^_^...