 #2 (permalink) Sun Nov 30, 2008 17:06 pm TOEFL essay: Some people are well organized some or not |
|
|
[b]
| Sri wrote: |
Please correct my paragraph.
Well honestly ,speaking i am not a well organized person.Because, of lack of organization i am facing lot of problems.
Here is my recent experience,i started preparing for my physical therapy examination because of lack of organization i took almost one year for preparation .Thus, i lost valuable time and also experienced some health issues .Thus, because of lack organization i lost time and money.
People with good organization capability will succed in life and can achieve there goal with in a period time.People who are well organized will achieve good name and social status.By seeing and talking to a person we can say whether he is organized or not .
People who are not well organized may be a poor decision maker .Thus , it effects his carrier and also his thinking process.
For example,a software engineer is validating codes if he is not organized then he fails to validate codes in orderly fashion which results in incorrect validation .Thus, because of his mistake whole team has to suffer which ultimately leads to waste of time and money .
So my conclusion is , one should be well organized to achieve success and good social status. |
In all fairness, you have some good ideas, but you need to learn how to organize them coherently. Also you need to stick yourself to the topic sentence, which is: Some people are well organized some or not, and not stray far away from it. The topic sentence is usually the first sentence of the paragraph. It gives the main idea of the paragraph. The main idea of your paragraph must be Some people are well organized some or not whereas in what you wrote, the main idea is:Well honestly ,speaking i am not a well organized person. You wrote about yourself and not about what you were asked to write about.
Another thing to comment on, is the use of spoken words, such as: So, Well, etc. Those are spoken words and must not be written in formal writing.
The last thing I noticed is this: i. Actually, it must always be written like this ' I ' not like this ' i '.
The aforesaid comments will certainly help you even if you think they are harsh words ;)
By the way, I am planning to post an article about how to write coherently( but not about how to write, because nobody is going to teach you that, you can learn only how to organize your ideas)
Take care. |
|
 Happytofita
I'm here quite often ;-)
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 725
|
