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TOEFLŪ essay: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last...



 
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TOEFL essay: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last... #1 (permalink) Fri Jan 02, 2009 8:20 am   TOEFL essay: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last...
 

Please help to correct my sentence.
Many thanks in advance. :)

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
After giving birth women return to work is becoming common. Married women who contribute their time and energy to society activities in these last twenty years. Obviously, the position of women has been increased higher and wider. Women dare to say out their inner voice and play variety of important roles in different domains.

Nowadays, working married women are lacking of time to stay at home. I think the responsibilities of bring up children are belong to a couple instead of only wives. I do not agree that it is a main reason caused the risen of juvenile delinquency. Juvenile delinquency might cause by many reasons. Teenagers are not under parents control easily. They make friends and influenced by friends or listening others advises instead of from their family.

Women work can release family finance stress and in the same time, they also can weigh how much quality time they can spend with children. Nowadays, most of the women accept higher education and they opt to perform their potential in working life instead of only staying at home to take care of their children.

Additionally, husbands also play important part of role to bring up their children. Before having a kid, a married couple can decide in advance how and who will share the responsibilities. Married women would be more independent by decreasing financial dependence on their husband.

Lastly, how to make the children to be happy and healthy is more important. Spend quality time with children and build up trust to increase children feel secure and confident would decrease the number of juvenile delinquency. A teenager who feels comfortable and secure might give parent peaceful mind. We might think about how to educate a kid at home instead of consider how much time we should spend with our children.

(301 words)

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