TOEFL® essay: In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students

[Manakapa]

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.
Many people believe that teenagers should not work, as this may result in poor grades and failure in school. But I support the opinion that the work is useful in several directions – teens learn to be responsible, to value the money, to build a work ethic.
The first and most important lesson to learn is that when you work you must be responsible to your obligations, whether you are a dishwasher or a seller in a shop. You learn also that you need to be punctual, to foresee a negative of unexpected circumstances, to remain calm under stress situations and to be able to communicate with different types of people.
Another plus of work is that you learn to appreciate the money you’ve earned. Next time you decide to spend money on useless objects, you might think before buying it and to invest your money wisely in your future. Work will help you understand that money does not grow on trees, and that the pleasure to go and buy a bicycle or a car with your earned money is much greater than if your parents give it to you, because you see that your work materializes into something meaningful.
Work ethic as a third positive factor is extremely important to prepare teenagers for future life. If you give all you can at work, and you are dedicated and you have positive mood at work it will ultimately reflect in your bank account. But also it will bring you respect and a chance to climb up the corporate hierarchy.
Thus will build a worker who will be valuable anywhere.

This is my third essay. Do you think I have any chance in TOEFL writing section? PLease give your opinion I'll be grateful. Thank you in advance