TOEFL® essay example: Women's Day

[Thunu]

Hello everybody

The eighth of March is Women’s Day. So I have just finished the essay with the topic Women, from the origins to the present day. Please correct my mistakes in this composition about the ways of using words, grammer or anything else. Thank you.

There is a philosophic question, a human matter that who are we and where do we orginate? And a half of this question is What is Woman?
We can answer easily Women are a half of the world. The Bible explains that a woman was created from a rib of a man. This legend seems to value men above women because a rib can’t be equal to a man. Maybe so women have struggled incessantly for their equality with men.

According to the confusianism, a system of ethics, religion and philosophy founded by Khong Tu, a Chinese famous philosopher and sociologist in 551-479 BC is that women have to be tied to three mandatory things and four ethical words.
Three mandatory things include women that haven’t married yet have to obey their fathers; if they get married, they have to obey their husbands and if their husbands die, they have to obey their sons. Four ethical words include affair, countenance, speech and conduct. Relating to affair, women have to be good at cooking, sewing, embroidering, weaving... Regard to countenance, women’s appearances have to be amiable, tidy; Their speech have to be sweet, flexible and the conduct requires women to be mild, mature, neither supercilous nor cruel, love and take care of their families. These conceptions of the confusianism were considered as obligatory ethical standards to the Eastern women in the feudalism.

Nowadays, society develops and life changes continually. Women aren’t restricted with housework and taking care of children anymore. They can shoulder many great responsibilities in society. In general, women in modern life is more strenuous than previously but as a reward, they are evaluated highly about their position and contribution to society. Therefore, the beautiful standards of modern women changed. Self-motivation, knowledge and fashionableness are considered as the beauty of modern women.
However, in the opinion of many people, women shouldn’t change their traditional value completely because they have some vocations that men can’t replace. There is a the Eastern adage “men build houses, women build hearth”. It means women always hold an important position in bringing about a happy family. That proves clearly mordern women is more strenuous than previously. Modern women must try to maintain a balance between job and family. In order for them to do that, women must be a sentimental string to attach members of the family and on the contrary, they also need share, sympathy and altruism of their family.

In summary, mordern women don’t decrease the feminity but they dare to affirm themselves and go to till the end of their wishes instead of hiding them like formerly. So they are worthy of the honour not only on the eighth of March.
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Reach an agreement as ploughing, don't let argument happen at crops.

[Gray]

That was really a good read. And what an impressive conclusion!

Yes, the femininity must be retained respecting the nature. Or in other words -- equality should not be blown out of proportion as most of the feminists tend to go that way.
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First lesson - English, not english. I, not i. ~A student of English