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Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...



 
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Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather... #1 (permalink) Sun Mar 08, 2009 12:57 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...
 

The following paragraph is a narrative one talking about a rescue that someone was involved in ( written in the first person singular I )
Would you please read it.

Here is the paragraph:

One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather was great and it was sunny. I was trying to cross the street when suddenly I heard a scream from somewhere near me.

I stopped and tried to know where the voice came from. Then I found out that it was a boy who fell off his bicycle. As soon as I saw the boy I ran to him. When I got to the boy, I discovered that he has broken his leg. The boy was calling for help and it seemed that he was seriously injured. I knew I had to help him or at least do something to reduce the pain he got. So first, I tried to calm him down. Next, I asked him to be relaxed. Meanwhile one of the passersby phoned the emergency services and a few minutes later, the ambulance car came and took him to a near hospital. As they were taking the boy in an ambulance, I was sitting beside him and I asked him not to be afraid.

In the end, the boy thanked me and he wanted to be my friend. A few weeks later, I was sent an invitation by the boy's parents to have dinner with them. I didnít mind the invitation and the parents asked me to be their friends too . since then, I became the family's best friend.

Actually, I wrote the paragraph myself
And having just read it, I want you to check it.
Did I make a well written paragraph?
Is it well divided?
What about the time sequence and the tenses used?
Are the linking words in the aforementioned paragraph sufficiently used?
Is my paragraph coherent ? and what about the cohesion ?
Is there any irrelevant sentences ?
I am not sure about my punctuation and capitalization, would you please check it too?
One last thing, I want you to bear in mind that I have preferred to use the simple style of writhing intentionally rather than the sophisticated one since the paragraph will be read by 15 years old kids learning English as a second language
Finally, I am really sorry for my very long thread, but your opinion is very important to me and it matters a lot to me.
I will be very glad if you comment on the slightest mistakes in my thread entirely including my questions and my expressions. All in all, my English, is it good or bad ?
Thank you very much to take some minutes of your precious time for reading my thread and I am waiting for your valuable comments and suggestions
Best regards
Khaldoun Shoubash
Mrxkms
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 16 Dec 2008
Posts: 43

writing a paragraph #2 (permalink) Sun Mar 08, 2009 13:50 pm   writing a paragraph
 

One Sunday afternoon I was going home from work. The weather was great and it was sunny. I was waiting to cross the street when suddenly I heard a scream from somewhere near-by.

I stopped and tried to determinewhere the scream had came from. Then I found out that it was a boy who had fallen off his bicycle. As soon as I saw the boy I ran to him. When I got to him I discovered that he had broken his leg. The boy was calling for help and it seemed that he was seriously injured. I knew I had to help him or at least do something to reduce the pain that he was in. So first, I tried to calm him down. Next, I asked him to relax. Meanwhile one of the passers-by phoned the emergency services, and a few minutes later an ambulance arrived and took him to a near-by hospital. As they were taking the boy in an ambulance, I was sitting beside him and I told him not to be afraid.

In the end, the boy thanked me and said he wanted to be my friend. A few weeks later, I was sent an invitation by the boy's parents to have dinner with them. I welcomed the invitation, and the parents asked me to be their friends too. .
Since then I have become the family's best friend.


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Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather... #3 (permalink) Mon Mar 09, 2009 20:38 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...
 

Is it wrong to keep it in the simple past?
Mrxkms
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Joined: 16 Dec 2008
Posts: 43

Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather... #4 (permalink) Mon Mar 09, 2009 20:57 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...
 

I don't think it is wrong. Why do you ask ?.

All in all I think it is a good composition when it's to be read by a group of young people.

It's simple, and to the point. Nobody expects you to turn into Raymond Murphy overnight.
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Kitosdad
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Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather... #5 (permalink) Tue Mar 10, 2009 18:16 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...
 

why are the near-by and passers-by hyphenated ?
Mrxkms
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 16 Dec 2008
Posts: 43

Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather... #6 (permalink) Tue Mar 10, 2009 19:13 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...
 

You can say near by, but passers-by is the accepted norm in everyday English text.
I was pre-empting my next text. LOL.

near-by is presumed to be nearer/closer than near by.

I am not a teacher, but I state only my opinion. I may be wrong.
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Kitosdad
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Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather... #7 (permalink) Tue Mar 10, 2009 20:04 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...
 

is it wrong without hyphens ?
since i don't want to get my kids confused
Mrxkms
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 16 Dec 2008
Posts: 43

Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather... #8 (permalink) Tue Mar 10, 2009 20:11 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...
 

I would ALWAYS use the hyphens, right or wrong.
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Kitosdad
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Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13509
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather... #9 (permalink) Tue Mar 10, 2009 20:15 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...
 

Mrxkms wrote:
is it wrong without hyphens ?
since i don't want to get my kids confused

It is definitely wrong without capital letters.
BTW, my dictionary says that "nearby" is one word (no space, no hyphen).
http://www.onelook.com/?w=nearby&ls=a
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Milanya
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Joined: 29 Dec 2008
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Location: Texas, USA (at present)

Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather. #10 (permalink) Wed Mar 11, 2009 7:25 am   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather.
 

Milanya, you are correct of course, but most people within my circle of friends use this form, as do I.

I wonder where it originated.?

By the way, I do admire your command of the language. You obviously are a native-speaker, even when your name suggests otherwise.

Your progress report is very impressive, with so few incorrect answers, although the time taken per test might suggest some referring to a dictionary. Am I correct.?

Yours Sincerely, Sherlock Holmes. :) :) :)
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.
Kitosdad
Language Coach


Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13509
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather. #11 (permalink) Wed Mar 11, 2009 16:18 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather.
 

for my side and dont see any mistake ,but because i am here to learn let see what other people say
Janet
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Joined: 29 Mar 2006
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Location: Tanzania

Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather... #12 (permalink) Wed Mar 11, 2009 18:07 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...
 

what do you think of it Janet ?
tell me your opinion
Mrxkms
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 16 Dec 2008
Posts: 43

national center on family homelessness #13 (permalink) Wed Mar 11, 2009 18:17 pm   national center on family homelessness
 

One of every 50 American children experiences homelessness...
Original: http://www.kcra.com/family/18893753/detail.html

Bad ?
Brekredly
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Joined: 11 Mar 2009
Posts: 1

Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather... #14 (permalink) Wed Mar 11, 2009 20:23 pm   Writing a paragraph: One Sunday afternoon I was going back home. The weather...
 

bad ???
sorry I didn't get you
Mrxkms
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 16 Dec 2008
Posts: 43

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