TOEFL® essay: Hard work or luck?

[Minnie.Mouse]

Hello everyone, please rate my essay on this topic and give me advice to improve it. Thank you in advance!!

So here is my topic:

“When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success.” Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

Since time immemorial everybody has been striving for success which could fulfill many dreams. Moreover, success brings happiness into people’s lives because there is nothing more important than seeing the result of many years’ hard work. In this train of thought, I would say that I agree that success is a consequence of hard work and luck can help to some extent but is not the main cause of success.
First of all, working hard is always rewarded- earning a lot of money or gaining personal achievements. Furthermore, I believe that the vast majority of people, who have highly-paid jobs, have worked to death in order to fulfill their goals. Parents, teachers and friends promote the idea of working hard- they usually say “Learn harder if you want to live better.” In my opinion, when people are successful they can easily measure the quality of their work. For instance, when the scientist Albert Einstein has won a Nobel Prize for Physics he has not succeeded because of his luck. All of the inventions and theories were as a result of his persistence, patience and hard work.
Secondly, throughout my life I have realized that not all hard-working people are successful. That suggests to me that sometimes life is unfair. In fact, about a half of these people come to certain level of success and only a few reach the peaks. The latter ones may be prosperous because the circumstances have allowed it. For instance, if two educated men, the first one with better qualities, have applied for an interview and the second man is a boyfriend with the CEO of the company, it is absolutely clear who will be the possible winner. Even if the first man has worked harder and has more personal achievements, the second one would be given an opportunity to be a successful manager of the company.
Even though that many people are blessed with tremendous luck, I have to disagree that luck is the main factor which influences a person’s level of success. Moreover, hard work and perseverance are the most important keys to success.

[Kitosdad]

Hi Minnie, great effort, with few errors. Keep up the good work.

" have worked to death in order to fulfill their goals "

Have worked themselves to death to fulfil their goals.

fulfil many dreams.

The latter ones may have been chosen, having been given preferential treatment due to nepotism.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Minnie.Mouse]

Kitosdad thank you very much for your fast reply ))) I hope that I haven't caused you inconvenience. By the way I was left with the impression that fulfil is with double l.

So, let me present myself. I am Yoana, 17 years old and I currently live in my native country- Bulgaria. I am preparing for the TOEFL Test and I have registered for 9th of May this year )

P.S. May I ask you if it is Ok with you if I post my essays regularly?

[Kitosdad]

Minnie, You are most welcome to post your essays as often as you wish.

I am not a teacher, merely a helper, but more than willing to help out.

Three dictionaries show fulfil.

Only my suggestion.
frolic
fruitiness
fuchsia
fulfil
full stop
fulsome

English dictionary.

Kitosdad.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Minnie.Mouse]

I am really grateful that you are so eager to help In fact, I haven't questioned your correction of "fulfil" but now I checked in google and it says that fulfil is British and fulfill is US. So I learned something new.
Thank you again.

[Kitosdad]

As ever Minnie ..... welcome.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.