Suggestion: How about a joke thread?

[Kitosdad]

How about a joke thread.?

The teacher asked the little boy, " Do you say prayers before you have your lunch.?"

" No " replied the little boy, " My mother is a very good cook. "
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Sahid59]

..

Nice Idea Mr. Bill,

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

....
_________________
Sahid59

Better tomorrow with better English

[Kitosdad]

Unfortunately I have heard it before Sahid, but it still raised a chuckle.

Bill.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Infin1ty]

Good morning, Bill. I got this for you:

An innocent cattle

When it is almost the time for supper, a rural couple, the wife thinks of something suddenly, and says to the husband: "Next
month is our commemoration of thirty years, I think we should butcher a cattle at the least."

The husband answers: "Why? It is not the wrong of the cattle."

Here's another one:

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Peter: HIJKLMNO!!
Thacher: What are you talking about?
Peter: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
: D
_________________
Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present.

[Shyone]

Proper Grammar

On my 68th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and
with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and
it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.’ 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
_________________
No comment

[Kitosdad]

lol.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Shyone]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
‘Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'she’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.
''You can't go there,' says St. Peter 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that'
_________________
No comment