TOEFL® essay: In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its...

[Xixinh]

This is my writing and I know that it have many mistakes.
You please help me to correct them...
Thank you very much in advance.

Topic:In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industrial?
Use specific reason and examples to support your answer.

Writing:
Land is one of the natural precious sources of every country in the world. Those countries governments need to consider careful before deciding where its land to be left for natural condition or to be developed for housing and industrial. In my opinion, this valuable source should use for natural condition more because this way will protect the environment, give a big chance for animal living and it also help people lives healthier.
First of all, there are many serious phenomenon happened to our green planet’s environment. They are global warming, desertification and polluted places, all those problems are caused by the rapid developing housing and industrial. That phenomenon will be decreased if we consider more land to use for naturalization. For instant, we save land for the zoo where people can come there to study about wildlife or enjoy at weekend and its place grow many plants inside it give the oxygen and being slow down the pollution. Our Earth has more and more place for natural condition; it will bring better life for human and animals.
Second, every creative in the world has right to survive, not because of land for human necessity, people let other category of animals to near extinction. The best way to protect others is left land in natural condition. It is including lands for raising the parks, the zoos in the city and cultivation in countryside where wildlife can survive.
Thirdly, we just image about housing and industrial locations will be wider and wider, its waste water from factories to the rivers, polluted smoke from those firm to the air. How dangerous our standard living condition! There is factory is located near my city, it ravage the whole brand of the big river because its waste water. And averaging that every family at that place has one person is cancel. Thus, the land for housing and industrial should be considered after thinking carefully its affect to human healthiness.
In short, developing housing and industrial also bring us some advantages in near future. However, we foresee further ten year, land for natural condition will let people healthier, wildlife broader and environment better. Those reasons bring convenience not only for us but also for next generation in future.

[Kitosdad]

Land is one of the natural precious resources of every country in the world.
Countries governments need to consider carefully before deciding whether its land should be left in its natural condition, or be used for housing and industrial use.

In my opinion, this valuable resource should be mainly reserved in its natural state , because this way, it will protect the environment, thus give a better chance for the survival of the animals that are already resident there.

We already have many serious phenomenons happening to our planet’s green environment. We have, global warming, desertification and polluted places, all those problems are caused by the rapid development of housing and industrialisation.

That phenomenon would be decreased if we gave greater consideration before allocating even more land to use for industrialisation and ceaseless building.

For instance, we could save land for wildlife parks, where people could come to study wildlife, or just for enjoyment at weekends. The provision of a Zoological garden would also prove very beneficial in improving the environment, by its endless production of oxygen.

Our Earth has more and more need for the preservation of natural conditions. It will prove to be beneficial in the longer term for both humans and animals.

Every creature in the world has the right to survive. The human need for ever more housing need not be served at the cost of decimating the very nature around us almost to extinction. The best way to protect our wildlife, is to ensure that sufficient undisturbed land is left in its original natural condition. Consideration for the provision of parks and other sources of safe havens for our wildlife, should figure high in the minds of planning committees.

We need only imagine the polluted waste water issuing from factories to the rivers, and
the smoke pollution from some companies, adding to the already polluted atmosphere . How much more dangerous our standard living conditions would become.

There is a large factory located near my city. It ravaged the whole branch of our big river because of its waste water.
Many peoples leisure time, and that of their children, was completely spoiled because of this. These people used to enjoy walking with their children and dogs along the river bank. That was no longer possible thanks to this companies complete disregard for both the town-folks health, and the councils regulations.

Thus, in my opinion, the land being made available for housing and industrial use, should be very carefully considered in regard to its affect on people and the resident wildlife.

In short, developing housing and industrial premises may bring us some short-term advantages ,however, we must look further ahead than that, and also think of the effect on the next, and future, generations.

Xixinh, please excuse my deleting some text, as it didn't make any sense to me. I have done my best to leave as much of your original text intact, but it wasn't easy. No-one can fault you for the few errors that you have made. I'm sure that your next essay will show a marked improvement. I'm always here to help, should you need me.

Kitosdad.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Xixinh]

Hi Kitosdad,

I am very happy to read your reply.

Hope you all the best.