TOEFL® essay: Imagine that you have received some land to use as you wish...

[Nicooo]

Hi,

this is the first essay i am posting in this forum. I am aware of that my essay is not a master piece, but i am just at the beginning of writing essays. I hope you can give me some feedback and maybe some tips.

Thanks!

Imagine that you have received some land to use as you wish. How would you use this land? Use specific details to explain your answer.

If I would receive property of some land in my home town, I would do something for my community. Nowadays anymore sport yards and playgrounds are vanished or decrepit. The government has to save money in all areas. So they spent less and less money for the environment of sports fields and playgrounds or even sell the land of the sports fields. Therefore I would use the land to create a new and state of the art playground and soccer field. We have a lot of kids and adolescent in our town that have no place to meet each other and to do sports in their leisure time.

All the former playgrounds and soccer field in our town are replaced by different things or too old to use them. The soccer field which I visited in my childhood is now used for a supermarket and this is example is nothing unusual. A lot of old sport fields are now used in different ways be it for building shopping center or for building new apartment houses. Nobody ever considered what happens to our kids. Our children hanging out in these shopping center and having stupid ideas, such as stealing something in those shops or annoying other people.

Therefore I would build up a soccer field with a playground on my received land. On this land children can do different sports such as soccer, basketball, table tennis and so on. Smaller kids can play in the sand on the playground. The parents could have a bbq with their friends while the children are occupied.

This would have a great effect on my neighborhood and my community. The kids would no longer hangout in places where they not belong to. The kids would use their free time with sports and can spent all their power and energy to sports. The parents would not have to bother themselves with thoughts whether their childs doing something stupid. This land could become a meeting point for all the people living around it.
That is why I would use my land in this way.

[Nicooo]

What are the reasons, that some essays will be corrected and some not?
Do you have any restraints? Please tell me that I can fulfill those.

Thanks :-)

[Kitosdad]

Nicooo, there are no restraints. It is polite for us to wait for your request to do so.

You can request comments or editing.

Kitosdad.
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Keep it simple. Keep it interesting.

[Kitosdad]

If I were to be given some land in my home town, I would do something with it for the benefit of the community.

Nowadays so many sport fields and playgrounds have vanished or have become decrepit. The government have to save money in all areas, so they spend less and less money for the upkeep of sports fields and playgrounds, or even sell the sports fields to builders and developers.

Therefore I would use the land to create a new state of the art playground and soccer field. We have a lot of kids and adolescents in our town that have no place to meet and to enjoy sports in their leisure time.

All the playgrounds and soccer fields in our town have been taken over for other uses. The soccer field which I visited in my childhood has now been taken over by a supermarket, and this example is nothing unusual.

A lot of old sport fields are now being used in different ways, be it for building shopping centres or for building new apartment houses. Nobody even considers what happens to our kids. Our children hang out in these shopping centres and just create a nuisance, or worse still, resort to stealing.

Therefore I would build a soccer field with a playground on my land. On this land children could do different sports such as soccer, basketball, table tennis and so on. Smaller kids could play in the sand-pit on the playground. The parents could have a barbeque with their friends while their children were occupied.

This would have a great effect on my neighbourhood and my community. The kids would no longer hang-out in places where they do not belong. The kids would use their free time playing sports and could spend all their power and energy doing so . The parents would not have to bother themselves with thoughts about whether their children were doing something stupid. This land could become a meeting point for all the people living around it.

That is how I would use my land.
_________________
Keep it simple. Keep it interesting.

[Nicooo]

Your advices are helpful to improve my essays. I know that my way of writing an essay is still simple and my grammar and vocabulary is not right in all points, but with your correction I can see my mistakes.

Thank you very much Kitosdad!

Would you say I am already able to take the TOEFL with an essay like this?

[Kitosdad]

Nicooo, I really have no idea, as I am not a teacher. Maybe Alan or Mr. Micawber might comment after reading this.

Kitosdad.
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Keep it simple. Keep it interesting.

[Namcy]

If I have received some land which I can use it in a way I wish, I would like to develop a children’s park on it. It shall be a good recreation place for the kids where they can enjoy with other children, do different activities and also help the adults enjoy in the fresh air out of their busy schedule.

There are a few reasons because of which I am inclined to this choice. I would really love to do something for the children. In today’s busy world, where most of the parents are working, they cannot devote much time for the children. Also, socializing and interacting with other children has become very limited because of the time constraint.

It is of utmost importance for the healthy growth and development of children that they are exposed to the outside world. Playing and mingling with other children plays a vital role in their physical, mental and emotional development.
Also, children of all ages can have fun in the park which has various attractions ranging from the swings, slides, see-saws etc. for the younger kids and tennis courts, basketball court etc. for the older children.

There may be variety of other entertainment places for the children like the museum, aquarium etc. But, children cannot visit the same place again and again. A park is a place where they would like to go everyday for some time.

Another reason is that children love to play in the out. Outdoor activity places are not very common due to limited space. By having a park, children can enjoy the benefits of playing outdoors. They can enjoy nature, get fresh air which is necessary for the body, see different people and make new friends.

Also, the adults can have some leisure time in the park. A good stroll in fresh air is a very good exercise. They get a chance to meet and socialize with other people. It can also serve as a nice meeting place for the senior retired people who can sit and talk as well as enjoy the nature.

All in all, creating a park would be the best utilization of the land. It will not only be helpful to the children, but also the adults and would be a motivating and effective way to enjoy nature and appreciate it.

[Kitosdad]

Ugh ! I don't have to tell you Namcy that this was WAY BELOW your usual high standard.

The latter part was better than the first part, but I found it altogether disappointing.

I only make these negative comments because I already know just how good you are.

Quantity is never an acceptable alternative to quality. You can do so much better than this.

Kitosdad.
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Keep it simple. Keep it interesting.

[Namcy]

I really appreciate all your comments, Kitosdad and infact the negative ones more, so that I have a better idea of where to improve on...Can you please briefly outline better ideas for this essay and specifically point out on my mistakes in this essay..Thanks once again..

[Kitosdad]

Good morning Namcy. What on earth is this sentence supposed to mean ?

" There are a few reasons because of which I am inclined to this choice."

I think you would have more trouble speaking this than I had in reading it. :) :)

But I think I was a bit too critical on this one. It really didn't seem a subject that you were comfortable with. Your work is always excellent, and I just felt disappointed with this one. It just appeared disjointed and without direction.

My own thought is that if you had presented this essay, then you would have always been left wondering whether it would be well received, whereas all of your previous work would not have given you any concern in this regard.

You appear to have an agile mind, and I really feel that you could have done such a lot more with this one. Don't be too hard on yourself, it was OK, but disappointing due to your previous very high standards.

Kitosdad. ( A critical old bugger. :) )
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Keep it simple. Keep it interesting.