TOEFL® essay: People are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places...

[Nicooo]

I request you to correct my essay and give me advices to improve it.
The only way to improve is to recognizes oneself's mistakes, right?
Maybe you can also tell me what score I'd get in the TOEFL test for this essay?

Thanks in advance for helping me.

In some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and
office buildings. Do you think this is a good rule or a bad rule? Use specific reasons and details to support your position.

The issue whether people should still be allowed to smoke in public building or not is discussed controversially. In my point of view there are strong reasons why smoking shouldn’t be allowed in public places and different aspects why I agree to forbid smoking in those areas. Smoking is one of the main reasons why people die unnaturally, that means it influence the smokers health and the health of people around smokers immense. To forbid smoking in public places may encourage people to stop smoking and it’s moreover a question of justice whether non-smoking people have to suffer under smoking people.

Smoking causes different diseases. To heal or treating those diseases like cancer, asthma or smoker legs are quite expensive and have to be paid by the society. This money could be used much better for different issues. It could be used to improve education for example. Therefore I think the government should not allow and encourage people to smoke, especially in public places.

Moreover the government does the right move if they forbid smoking in public. It encourages people to stop smoking. It shows them how other people think about smoking and make them feel inconvenient.

Although everyone can decide by oneself whether he or she starts to smoke, it is a question of justice whether it should be supported to let other people become passive smoker unintended. If you don‘t forbid smoking in public, one can conclude that this allows smoker to decide for other people whether they want to smoke or not.

Smoking has also an influence on the environment around it. If a lot of people smoke in an closed area you can see the residuals of nicotine and other substances all around in the room. You can see how the walls become yellow and the furniture has a layer of those substances on it. To remove this you need to somebody do this job or more badly you have to renew the furniture or objects.

In my eyes all these aspects underline why smoking is not at all positive and shouldn‘t be allowed in public areas. If you ask me, smoking shouldn‘t be allowed at all.

[Kitosdad]

The issue as to whether people should still be allowed to smoke in public buildings or not is a controversial subject. Personally I have strong feelings as to why smoking shouldn’t be allowed in public places, and the many different aspects as to why I agree to forbid smoking in those areas.

Smoking is one of the main reasons why people die prematurely.Smoking affects smokers health and the health of people around them.

To forbid smoking in public places may encourage people to stop smoking, and it’s moreover, a question of justice whether non-smoking people should have to suffer under the action of others.

Smoking causes different diseases. To heal or treat those diseases, like cancer, asthma or smoker legs is quite expensive and has to be paid for by society in general.

This money could be used far better for other issues. It could be used to improve education for example. Therefore I think the government should not allow people to smoke, especially in public places.

The government would be making a good move if they forbade smoking in public. It encourages people to stop smoking. It shows them how other people think about smokers, and makes them feel alienated.

Although everyone can decide by themselves whether he or she starts to smoke, it is a question of justice whether it should be allowed that other people become passive smokers unintentionally. If you don‘t forbid smoking in public, one can conclude that this allows smokers to decide for other people whether they want to smoke or not.

Smoking also has an influence on the environment around us all. If a lot of people smoke in an enclosed area you can see the residuals of nicotine and other substances all around the room. You can see how the walls have become yellow, and the furniture has a layer of those substances on it. To remove this you need to employ someone to do this job, or more costly, you have to renew the furniture or objects.

In my eyes all these aspects underline why smoking is not at all positive and shouldn't be allowed in public areas.

If you ask me, smoking shouldn't be allowed at all.

Nicooo, I don't know how well you would score in the test. I am not a teacher.
I have noticed that you did not mention the safety aspect connected with smoking, especially in regard to the danger of fires, and the damage that can be accidently or maliciously caused by lit cigarettes. KITOSDAD.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Nicooo]

Yes, I really didn't recognized that point.
I wanted to thank you for your help in my second essay. I compared your and my version and corrected any mistake on a printed version to have a better overview about it.

I will post another essay later. Thanks again!

[Kitosdad]

My pleasure Nic ..... nice work.

Kitosdad.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Namcy]

Many countries have made a rule prohibiting smoking in many public places and office buildings. I believe that it is a very good move and should be implemented strictly in order to protect the health and life of people.

Smoking is very injurious to health. The tobacco fumes containing nicotine when inhaled into the body can be very harmful. It is also a predisposing factor to many cancerous lesions. When done excessively, smoking can damage many vital organs like the lungs and heart and be a threat to life. By prohibiting smoking in many public places and office buildings, people have limited chances of smoking, thereby benefiting their health.

Smoking in public places and office buildings, where a person is together with other people too, causes distress and harm to others also. The smoke can cause nausea, headache and discomfort to the nearby people.

In public places, where there are many children, smoking can set a bad example for them. When they observe adults indulging in smoking, they may also want to do the same, which is definitely not acceptable. Children are our tomorrow. If they see and practice the bad habits at such a tender age, it can adversely affect their growth and development. For any country’s progress, it is extremely important that the youth, which are the main workforce, work efficiently and stay away from smoking and other vices.

Smoking in building and other public places can sometimes lead to serious calamities. A lit cigar if thrown down accidentally can lead to fire and risk people’s lives and property.

By making a law not to allow smoking at many places, an individual is discouraged to involve in it and motivates him to quit smoking eventually. Such laws if made and implemented properly can help in the well-being and betterment of the society.

All in all, the hazardous effects of smoking are well-known and it is a prime duty of any country to take necessary steps in limiting and abolishing this commonly practiced social act.

[Kitosdad]

Excellent essay Namcy. Couple of commas and a couple of s's missing is all that I can see wrong, but as an oral presentation it is really good.

Kitosdad.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Namcy]

Thank you very much Kitosdad for your encouraging words..