TOEFL® essay: Do people spent less time on leisure because the use of modern...?

[Jaebum5]

Can anyone help me with following topic?

I am trying to write a essay on this topic.

Leisure is a growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative.
Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

[Kitosdad]

You do it, we will tell you what it lacks.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Jaebum5]

I wrote a essay and I need a feedback. I really appreciate if someone give me a feedback on this essay.

Since the developement of modern technology, some people predicted that we'll have more leisure time. However, that is not the case in their recent survey. There are several reasons that cause the increasing hours of work and the decreasing hours of leisure time.

First of all, the development of technology are also including the advancement of consumer goods. I can see how people are so amazed by the speed of personal computer, the internet, digital cell phone and digital camera just to name a few. Therefore, the only way for people to have all these technology of goods is to work more hours.

Secondly, people do not stop working when they have free time instead they find more work to make more money. At someone's work places for example, due to the hours change on the working schedule people that work in the first shift can leave work an hour earlier than usual. A lot of them now working two jobs.

Lastly, the raising of women in the work place definitely have some affect on society. More women are working now than ever before. For that reason, society become a more competitive place between men and women in the work force. They both try to put more hours at work to find their place in the corporation.

Even though, modern technology has made our life easier and more comfortable, it takes away the real pleasure of creative entertainment.

[Vetty]

Is less time for leisure good or bad? What is leisure? Is it the time off the work or something rhyming with the word pleasure? There are a lot of people, whose life is their work and it's leisure/pleasure for them and they think they do not need anything else. Let's talk from the point of view of the majority considering leisure as something you get pleasure of doing when you do not work. What is that something? Eating, drinking, developing yourself, dancing, singing? How might it be influenced by the technologies? Only possitive. Much more information, much more choice. But for one, pleasure/leisure, I guess. Communication, I mean the quallity of it. Not that we interact less, but we get less pleisure of it or , to be more precise, less is done to have pleasure/leisure.
People spend less time for face to face interpersonal communication thanks to the modern technology. Sometimes technological novelties hide people's inability to face the problem. When a person's online he/she doesn't have to solve a problem, no action expected but he/she's got a message " I am doing something, life is not so bad and I am not so miserable ". As the language is based on verbs, life is based on action, no action -no life,no action-no satisfaction, no satisfaction - no pleasure, no pleasure-no leisure. People get surrogate, a surroge of a high quality, though, but still it is what it is, and the problem gets nowhere. No action- no real pleasure.
But it's not as obvious as it could seem:modern ways of communication might start the trigger, a person might run a program of revival, thinking more carefully on the problem and beeing pushed to start doing something - interacting with people, realities of his/her life and maybe he/she will start doing something which will get him to something important for him.
So, to sum it up, nothing could seriously influence the person's leisure/pleasure, but his/her own self, modern technologies are only tools, and what bad might be from the tools themselves? Life is always pretty much the same.

[Nicooo]

@Jaebum
I am also learning for my TOEFL essay. You should read Baron's How to Prepare for TOEFL Essay, it helped me a lot. Your essay does not present all the characteristics needed in an essay.

Such as:
-An introduction sentence that includes all the aspects you will consider.
- Each paragraph should begin with its topic sentence followed by supporting details
- I can't really find your own opinion Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

[Kitosdad]

Vetty, I did find your essay very interesting. A very thoughtful piece, put together very well. Bar a few spelling mistakes, it's good.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.