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TOEFLŪ essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...



 
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ESL Forum | Preparation for and help with the TOEFLŪ Test and essay samples collection
TOEFLŪ essay: Some people think the advantages of international tourism outweigh | How is the TOEFLŪ speaking score measured?
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TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #1 (permalink) Wed May 13, 2009 19:36 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Good evening everyone
thanks a lot for supportive and helpful hand i found in this forum. i need my following essay to be corrected please.

the Toefl essay: Advance in transportation & communication like the airplane and telephone have changed the way that the nations interact with each other in global society. choose another technological innovation that you think is imortant. give specific reasons for your choice.

The Internet innovation has improved that it is the most important technology the man ever know in recent years.
The internet makes the world a small village, it is a revolution in the world of communications. Man can work and gain money while he or she at the home. we can connect our relatives who are abroad through the internet without using long distance phone and paying more money. while you are browsing the internet from your home you can make orders for food delivery, shopping, reserve flight and pays your bills while you are sittingat your personal computer by just a click from the mouse.
To talk about the most important side from my poit of view, which is the education part. Ofcourse it is the most important part to talk about, while i am sitting at my home i can learn new language, which i was not have any idea about it before. And that happens with me i used the material availabel on the internet for learning Germany. Audio and text material are available to any one who want to invest the internet, yes i mean it, it is an investment for me at least. i used the internet to interchange experities with my colleague around the world.
From my point of view the internet is a tool of learning all new things in all fields, science, languages, crafts, painting and whateverso.
we can gain new friend from the internet through chating with them. the internet solve the problem of slow mailing by post, it does not mean that we are going to give up the postal mail, no but if i have something we need to send it immediately and reach the other person quickly, no doubt the e-mail is the solution for that through also the internet.
internet saves time and money. other people use the internet for entertainment for downloading songs,movies and games. it serves all the fields.
Students who searching about scholarships or any education programs use the internet and send their application through the internet connection.

i need to know is it good or bad
thanks a lot for your expected cooperation
engg

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two students in their dormitory during registration week
Engg
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 13 May 2009
Posts: 11

TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #2 (permalink) Thu May 14, 2009 19:32 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Engg ................ It's bad. The English is bad, the spelling is bad, and almost every idea is badly expressed. How can you expect that anyone is going to rate this essay?

The grammar is unbelievably bad .................." I am learning Germany " !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ask in all seriousness, have you even tried to learn anything about the English language before launching yourself into writing an essay?

You would do yourself a great favour to write this out again, as you have formed some reasonable ideas, but this time look at the Basic English posts before you start, and have them printed out above your computer to refer to whilst you are writing.

Kitosdad.

ps. We all have to learn. Please view these comments as your first lesson. You were brave enough to post your essay, now be brave enough to accept honest criticism.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.
Kitosdad
Language Coach


Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13509
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

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TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #3 (permalink) Thu May 14, 2009 19:58 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Kitosdad. you said every thing is bad, so what can i do now, kill myself ?
your commnt is not supportive at all. i thought that i wil find here a helpful people but may be i am not lucky.

i need to tell you an advice: even if i am too too bad as i heard from you, do not let me feel like that it will be the end of the world, that will not work with me at all.
and i need to tell you that i have passed a TOEFL before and i have got the required scores. so i am not that bad. i can not believe you. if there is wrong spelling may be because i put a timer as in the exam exactly to simulate the situation and i did not make a revision for any thing.

you are so angry because i said "i am learning Germany" so sorry sir, i added "y" instead of german, may be i am so busy these days because i am ging to travel to Germany.
Thanks sir for your time
i am brave enough but i do not accept your criticism, frankly it does not add to me any worth information.
Thanks sir
Engg
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 13 May 2009
Posts: 11

TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #4 (permalink) Thu May 14, 2009 20:17 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Just to help newcomers who are still unused to basic English.

A few sentences.

Hello, my name is Kitosdad.

I live in Germany, but I am English.

Turn the volume down !

Are you listening to me ?

Engg, I show you here the many mistakes you have made in this essay.
I complimented you on being brave. I asked you to accept the comments you asked for.

I'm sorry that you will not accept my advice. I wish you well.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.
Kitosdad
Language Coach


Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13509
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #5 (permalink) Thu May 14, 2009 20:24 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Kitosdad. you said every thing is bad, so what can i do now, kill myself ?
your commnt is not supportive at all. i thought that i wil find here a helpful people but may be i am not lucky.

i need to tell you an advice: even if i am too too bad as i heard from you, do not let me feel like that it will be the end of the world, that will not work with me at all.
and i need to tell you that i have passed a TOEFL before and i have got the required scores. so i am not that bad. i can not believe you. if there is wrong spelling may be because i put a timer as in the exam exactly to simulate the situation and i did not make a revision for any thing.

you are so angry because i said "i am learning Germany" so sorry sir, i added "y" instead of german, may be i am so busy these days because i am ging to travel to Germany.
Thanks sir for your time
i am brave enough but i do not accept your criticism, frankly it does not add to me any worth information.
Thanks sir[/quote]
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.
Kitosdad
Language Coach


Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13509
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #6 (permalink) Thu May 14, 2009 20:35 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Engg, why don't you use your anger to rewrite this essay using correct basic English and prove me wrong?

I really am not angry. I have no need to be. I didn't write the essay. You asked for comments and helpful advice. That is exactly what I gave you. Maybe it was not what you wished to hear, but at least it was the truth. I've shown you proof in black, white and red.

Others have taken my criticism and fought back to become far better essay writers because of it. Do yourself a favour and re-write it. You had some decent points to make, you just made them badly.

Kitosdad. Really your friend, but you can't see it ................... yet. :) :)
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.
Kitosdad
Language Coach


Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13509
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #7 (permalink) Thu May 14, 2009 21:11 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Thanks sir

Thanks a lot
Engg
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 13 May 2009
Posts: 11

TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #8 (permalink) Fri May 15, 2009 16:48 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Dear Enng, I am so sorry that you are upset at my comments. You viewed them as criticisms when they were really intended only as good advice. As I have already stated, I have given the same comments to others and they have bounced back with increased vigour and renewed determination.

It is impossible for you to upset me. I am completely neutral in my assessment of your work, as I hope many other students will testify. What I do is voluntary, and with only your comments as reward. I do it because I wish to help those who I feel I can, and I am so happy when they begin to blossom under my comments.

I ask you once again to rewrite your essay. I would be happy to review it, and even happier to see a vast improvement.

Kitosdad.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.
Kitosdad
Language Coach


Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13509
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #9 (permalink) Fri May 15, 2009 20:33 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Dear Mr.Kitosdad
Thanks a lot for your care, I am trying now once again to repeat the essay with some more efforts.
Do not worry at all, I really thank you for you care, me the one who should be sorry, you know I am really have bad circumstances in my life, and when you told me that is every thing is bad, I got really bad feelings, I felt that no thing good I can do in my life. I am so sorry for any bad word I said before. That is right you just want to help me, and I am a very bad person.

Here is the essay:

The Internet innovation has improved that it is the most important technology the man knows recently.
The internet makes the world a small village, it is a revolution in the world of communications. Man can work and gain money while he or she staying at home. We can connect our relatives who are abroad through the internet without using long distance calls, and paying more money.
while you are browsing the internet from your home you can make orders for food delivery, shopping, reserve flight and pays your bills while you are sitting at your personal computer by just a click from the mouse.

To talk about the most important side from my point of view, which is the education part. Ofcourse it is the most important part to talk about, while i am sitting at my home i can learn new language, which I was not having any idea about it before. And that happens to me, I used the material availabel on the internet for learning German. Audio and text materials are available to any one who wants to invest the internet, yes i mean it, it is an investment for me at least. I used the internet to interchange experities with my colleague around the world.
From my point of view the internet is a tool of learning all new things in all fields, science, languages, crafts, painting and whateverso.
We can gain new friends from the internet through chating with them. the internet solves the problem of slow mailing by post, it does not mean that we are going to give up the postal mail, no but if I have something and need to send it immediately and reach the other person quickly, no doubt the e-mail is the solution for that through also the internet.
Internet saves time and money. Other people use the internet for entertainment for downloading songs,movies and games. it serves all the fields.
Students who searching about scholarships or any education programs use the internet and send their application through the internet connection. Also you can read all the newspapers through the internet, not only newspapers but also all the news channels can be watched through it. That's mean the latest news always at my hand.
The internet proves that we can use the new technologies in all fields like entertainment, learning, working, connecting people and advertising.

Thanks a lot for your patience and your kindly cooperation.
Engg
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 13 May 2009
Posts: 11

TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #10 (permalink) Fri May 15, 2009 20:46 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Enng, that is a great improvement on your first effort. The thing to remember is that this IS your first major effort, and therefore you can only get better as you write even more essays.

As I mentioned last night, you had some good comments to make, but these were badly put and it reflected badly in your layout. Your comment tonight about the usefulness of e-mail is a great observation.

So, now what we have to do is to get you to work in a better-organised fashion. If you prefer I will send you a Private Message, outlining ways in which I think you can better improve all of your essays immediately. Is this agreeable with you?

I wish you goodnight and pleasant dreams. I'll contact you again tomorrow.

Your friend, Kitosdad.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.
Kitosdad
Language Coach


Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13509
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane... #11 (permalink) Fri May 15, 2009 21:00 pm   TOEFL essay: Advance in transportation and communication like the airplane...
 

Dear friend Mr.Kitosdad
thanks a lot , it is an honor for me to send me a private message.
Waiting for your contact.
I wish you too goodnight and having sweet dreams.
Thanks
engg
Engg
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 13 May 2009
Posts: 11

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