 #2 (permalink) Sat May 16, 2009 9:45 am Appeal letter to check |
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| Bulone wrote: |
Hi,
I've written an appeal letter to send to the school that rejected me. As English is my second language, I need your guys' help to make sure that there is no grammar mistake in it. To you, it may sound more like a job hunting letter than college appeal letter. But, this is the only way I can make up for my shortcoming gpa. I know there could be more information to add. So I'm open to all suggestions. Any help would be appreciated. On a side note, I've substituted personal details with square brackets to avoid exposing personal details.
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Dear Sir, (unless you specifically know it's a man, use "Dear Sir or Madam", or "To whom it may concern")
I’m an applicant from [country] and applied for a Business major at your university. A few days ago, through the [university] website, I found out that I’m not being shortlisted. As I sincerely believe that this conclusion is due to the lack of work experience related information of mine This is awkward, consider re-wording as follows: the lack of information regarding my work-related experience, allow me to unfold describe my past experience for better evaluation. I feel that I have the necessary aptitude and strong background experience to become a successful student. I hope this information would will help you re-evaluate my application.
First off, I would like to extend my sincere apology for not being able to file for appeal in a timely manner due to the inconsistent internet connection of my country. If it wasn't for the help of my brother, I wouldn't be able to check my application status as well as send this letter.
My work related experience started in the summer of [year] when I had a chance to work in my brother's Desktop Publishing House called [company name] as a summer job. It is moderate in size with a substantial number of clients that could keep all employees in on their toes. During my employment, I had given numbers a number of responsibilities such as, of buyer, making sales pitch to my teachers to get to typeset their tuition work books, and delivering final drafts as needed, etc. As a buyer, I monitored materials' prices of local distributors (such as papers, wax papers, and laminate materials) and bought the best deal amongst them. It was very interesting and occasionally, some minor negotiations were involved. I had worked there every summer as well as in my free time until [year] when it was sold to other business.
In [year], a year after I joined a distant distance degree course of from[university name], I landed a job at a local computer center called [company name] as a sales staff. Even though the designation was merely sales staff, my responsibilities passed well beyond that boundary. To name afew – bookkeeping, buying supplysupplies, along withmonitoring thelocal/USD exchange rate and adjusting stock prices accordingly. In
Here, I would like to elaborate on why we needed to monitor such. All of our stocks were bought from importers who adjusted their imported goods’ price baseed on current local USD exchange rate. Depending on a number of factors such as, government policy, market presence and so on, this rate can be very volatile and prone to change as many as couple of several times in a day. I was responsible to keep for keeping track of that in order to avoid the loss we might suffer otherwise, at the time of replenishment.
When I first came t here, it was relatively small with a handful of services. Its main focus back then was, offering various computer courses, sales and service. Within two years, it grew exponentially and ventured into other areas. Namely - paper sales, computer rentals on a time basis, computer furniture sales, and devise devising things such as chassis-less computer (budget-oriented computer desk that comes with chassis built-in. Designed specifically for network game centers.). You need to re-write these sentence fragments into a coherent sentence. I'm not sure what you mean about a chassis. If it's chassis-less, how can it have a built in chasis? Due to this growth, I had a chance to take more responsibilities and was able to broaden my horizon of experience. In addition to previous responsibilities, I was appointed to gain consignments from local suppliers and to make sales pitches for our business new products as well. It was a very interesting job and I worked there until [year], when it moved toa new location which was very inconvenient for me to commute from where I lived.to.
Based on aforementioned experiences, I would like to appeal my [university] rejection. I feel I have the necessary knowledge to achieve great success if given chance. I have opted to make [university] as my first priority due to number of advantages that can be found in no other university, such as a wide array of business related majors, affordability and an interesting curriculum. In addition to that, it is a well-known university around the world. I’m well aware that [university] choose students who take learning seriously and I too feel that I’m one of them. The amount of knowledge that I could get from [university] is very immense and I hope you grant me a chance to have that.
I understand that my GPA may not be up to par with the rest of the students. But this is due to the full time job I had back then and you can also see drops in GPA in later years. This clearly shows increased workload when our business grew exponentially. I feel that this extent of my experience would make up for my shortcomings with my GPA. I also feel that this experience would give me an edge in learning.
My personal belief is “knowledge is a key to success”. When it comes to pursuing knowledge, I’m the kind of a person who has strong perseverance and never lets anything put me down. I always do the best of my ability to overcome any hurdles on my path. With this attitude and strong passion for this particular subject I have, I believe, I have potential to become a successful student. With your assistance, I can make this happen. I hope you grant me a chance to prove that. With all respect, please kindly reconsider my application once more.
Sincerely yours,
[name]
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Hi Bulone,
I've made a number of corrections and a couple of suggestions. Bold face text should be deleted, red text needs to be inserted. Overall, you have a very good command of the written English language, but I noticed a consistent trend for you to not use an article with nouns, hence my many additions of 'a', 'an', and 'the'.
You'll have to explain what you mean about the computer desk. There are some areas I've colored with green text that don't make sense to me, and need explanation before I can suggest corrections.
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 Skrej
I'm here quite often ;-)
Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 863
Location: Not-quite exact central USA
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