TOEFL® essay: Some parents think advertising tells too much information about...

[Steven1815]

Some parents think advertising tells too much information about snacks and toys to children. But companies think advertising also shows useful information. Discuss.

It is commonly deemed that advertising has undergone unprecedented progress in this era, which bestowed marked benefits upon the well-being of the entire human race. While the world is cheerfully celebrating achievements, some are showing concern about this issue, fearing that advertising may have chilly effects on our children. From my perspective, I agree with this view, but with some reservations.

It is manifest that advertising may have detrimental impact on the physical, mental and intellectual development of adolescents. In the first place, excessive violence and pornographic contents, in all likelihood, will undermine the purity of children’s heart, owing to the fact that young adults have not developed a mature sense of judgment and are prone to all possible changes. Consequently, a quite remarkable amount of young people have distorted personalities and committed to crimes. Moreover, too much information about snacks renders poor students the trend of obesity. A recent study conducted by WHO shows that three in every ten children in the United States are afflicted with occasional illness and constant pressure also contributes to obesity.

However, advertising does not come without benefits. To illustrate, It is not an exaggeration to say that without such media aids, modern people are not able to get access to various useful information efficiently and more fully; therefore, advertising, to some extent, make what used to be impossible a reality. In addition, advertising makes a tight family bond. Specifically, it saves parents the bother of shopping on the street, searching for fancy products.

To make final analysis, I am convinced that even though advertising produces some blessings to our lives, in order to build a better atmosphere for offspring, coordination between the government and individuals, consumers and producers should be strongly recommended.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why doesn't the young man want to assume the family business?

[Kitosdad]

Not a bad essay, but it lost the plot along the way. Also reference to a dictionary would have led you to using other words than those that you thought you knew the meaning of.

Kitos.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Steven1815]

thanks, would you correct it for me or show me words that i use in the wrong way?
and why do you think i it lose the plot?

thanks!

[Kitosdad]

manifest.......................completely incorrect usage.- Dictionary.

Manifestly would have been correct, but the whole sentence would have had to have been restructured.
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" Consequently, a quite remarkable amount of young people have distorted personalities and committed to crimes. Moreover, too much information about snacks renders poor students the trend of obesity."

This is poor English, and makes no sense whatsoever.

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" advertising may have chilly effects on our children."

I'll let you work that one out for yourself.

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" have not developed a mature sense of judgment and are prone to all possible changes."

Again the wrong choice of phrasing. All possible changes ??????

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Steven, I won't edit it, but I will give you a tip,........... keep it simple, keep it interesting, and use the least amount of " big words" as possible.

I sincerely look forward to your next essay. It will be a lot better than this one.

Kitosdad.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.