TOEFL® essay: What event make a person an adult?

[Hahahaha]

People tend to have a specific hallmark to determined what period of there life is go its end and what period is the next one. The transition signal between the age of adult and the age of children is one the examples desmonstrating this tendency. From my point of view, people often appoint the moment when you are graduated from the high school to be the beginning of the adult life. There are several reasons that I hold for this point.
First of all, high school is one the symbols that represent the span of time in which people have not had their own responsibility yet. Responsibility is a figure of the maturity whereas the high school students are in the shadows of their parents. Thus, in these day, people are not taken care by themselves; in other world, they still eat the food prepared by their mother or go to school by father’s car.
Secondly, the life part that next to this significant mark is considered the maturity part. If you continue your study at university or college you have to take partly care of your life rather than completely rely on your parents. This reveals an crucial statement: “you are becoming a adult”. Indeed, people often create in their mind a sense of reponsiblity or self-dependent when they enter this period. For instance, they are now wash their own clothes or cook their own meal.More importantly, they know how to make a vital decision in their life and may be the first independent decision is the one that determines whether they go to universities or find a job after graduate from high school.
In summary, the event the transform a children to a adult man is the graduate ceremony at high school. Before this event, everybody often believe that their parents is their permanent umbrella. But after that, a sense of independence is developed and drive a children to do everything by their strength and learnt knowledge and then become a adult.

[Kitosdad]

People tend to choose a specific point in their development when one period of their life is going to end and a new period to begin. The transition signal between the age of adulthood and the age of childhood is one the examples demonstrating this tendency. From my point of view, people often select the moment when they are graduating from high school to be the beginning of their adult lives.. There are several reasons that I hold for this point.

First of all, high school is one the symbols that represent the span of time in which people have not had their own responsibility yet. Accepting responsibility is an indication of the maturing process, whereas the high school students are still in the shadow of their parents.

Thus, in these days, people are not taking care of themselves; in other words, they still eat the food prepared by their mothers or go to school in their father’s car.

Secondly, If you continue your studies at university or college you have to take responsibility for your own life rather than completely relying on your parents. This reveals a crucial statement: “You are becoming an adult”. Indeed, people often create in their mind a sense of responsibility or self-dependence when they enter this period. For instance, they now wash their own clothes or cook their own meals. More importantly, they know how to make a vital decision in their lives and maybe their first independent decision is the one that determines whether they go to university or find a job after graduating from high school.

In summary, the event that transforms a child into an adult man is the graduation ceremony at high school. Before this event, everybody believes that their parents are their permanent umbrella. But after that, a sense of independence is developed and it is that which drives a " new adult " to do everything using their strength and learnt knowledge.
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If you need me, I'm here.

[SkiIucK]

Sorry for the off-topic, but I had to mention it: I actually typed 'Bill.com'.

[Hahahaha]

My essay is kind of problematic, right?

[Kitosdad]

" My essay is kind of problematic, right?"

No, not really. You are forgetting that this is not your mother-tongue, and judging by those standards you are actually doing quite well.

I only copy your essay and edit it a little to draw your attention to improving your sentence structure, and add a point or two that you are having difficulty with in putting into understandable English.

You're doing great really.

Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Hahahaha]

Thank you, I see your point.