TOEFL® essay sample: Teachers should be paid based on their students success

[Moorita]

Hi,
Could you please help me with essay writting, as it seems my chief point of weakness so far.
I tried to write in a topic recently posted on the forum about if teachers should be paid based on their students success.
Please highlight what I should work on for next time, Thanks in advance.

Over the past few years, we have been familiar with the sight of teachers on national television striking, and demanding increase in their salaries or benefits. Some agree that the hard work of instructors should be evaluated by giving them proper incomes. Others believe that a coach should only be paid based upon how successful his students learn. I believe that instructors play a great role in their pupils’ lives beyond the academic part for which they should be well credited.
Firstly, teachers spend time with kids at school more than time spent at home with parents. The direct contact between instructor and a learner on daily basis through discussion, activities give the instructor the advantage of identifying points of strength and weaknesses in their learning ability and even in their personality. They are the first ones to bring parents’ attention to any academic disabilities or behavioral problems.
Secondly, working hours of teachers isn’t confined to simple school day. The need of preparation of next day lesson, or having many papers to mark have extended instructors’ working hours to include week nights and weekends just to get the work done.
On the other hand, I believe that the progress a child achieves could be related to their feeling towards his instructor. When a child is fond of his teacher he will do his best to please him to improve and be better in his subject and vice versa. So, a pupil failure in a certain subject could be a result of a teacher inability to reach out to him.
In conclusion, I believe that academic achievement of a child isn’t the only way to assess a teacher’s effort and work throughout the school year, and therefore can’t be the determiner of his payment.

TOEFL listening discussions: Where does this conversation probably take place?

[Kitosdad]

Good morning Moorita.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Kitosdad]

Over the past few years, we have been( become) familiar with the sight of teachers on national television, striking and demanding increase(s) in their salaries or benefits.

Some agree that the hard work of instructors should be evaluated by giving them proper incomes. Others believe that a coach should only be paid based upon how successful(ly) his students learn. I believe that instructors play a great role in their pupils’ lives beyond the academic part for which they should be well credited.

Firstly, children spend more time at school with their teachers than they do at home with their parents.
The direct contact between (an)instructor and a learner on (a)daily basis through discussion(and) activities give(s) the instructor the advantage of identifying points of strength(s) and weaknesses in their learning ability and even in their personality. They are the first ones to bring parents’ attention to any academic disabilities or behavioural problems.

Secondly, (the)working hours of teachers (are not)isn’t confined to (the)simple school day. The need of(to) preparation(prepare the) next day(s) lesson, or having many papers to mark, have(has) extended instructors’ working hours to include week nights and weekends just to get the work done.

On the other hand, I believe that the progress a child achieves could be related to their feeling towards his instructor. When a child is fond of his teacher he will do his best to please him to improve and be better in his subject and vice versa.
So, a pupil(s) failure in a certain subject could be a(the) result of a teacher('s) inability to reach out to him.

In conclusion, I believe that (the)academic achievement of a child isn’t the only way to assess a teacher’s effort and work throughout the school year, and therefore can’t be the determiner of his payment.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Moorita]

Hello Kiotsdad,
Thank you for marking my essay.
I need to ask you if you think it's a good essay, and if you have any comments about it.
thank you again

[Kitosdad]

Good evening Moorita. Personally I thought it was an excellent essay.Very few corrections were necessary, and your sentence structure was very good. You did very well.

Kitos.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Happytofita]

[Moorita]

Thank you for your encouraging words.
I hope to be Better on my next essay
Thank you

[Kitosdad]

Hi HTF, my correction " become " is shown in the brackets, and is intended to replace the word " been".

Kitos.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.