TOEFL® essay: The most important problem that the Earth is faced with?

[Darkangel12891]

I have re-typed my essay as your comment, please gives me some advise. Thank.
TOPIC: the most important problem that the Earth is faced with?

Over the past few decays, the Earth has to endure the chain of difficulties. Each one causes its badly great impact on human being such as diseases, famine, terrorism, etc and has been raging for sometimes now. In my opinion, it is an article of the faith that the most formidable problem we are facing is terrorism and AIDS.

Firstly, we could not be able to forget our memorable event happening at a day of 11/9. The video reporting the images when two airplanes got into the building has made one of the most destroyable scenes in our human’s history. We are all human and thus those activities are unacceptable. Whatever the reason may be for terrorism, it may be the conflict about religion, it also may be resulted from the united state’s invasion to Iraq. Hence, to solve these deadly activities requires several vital methods to balance our word religion and help decrease the serious atmosphere between countries and religious organizations.

Apart from the terrorism, we cannot deny the fact that AIDS is now becoming as uncontrolled problem. And history has it in abundance to prove this. It obviously states that AIDS is an incurable disease. So, it would be the last disease chosen if we had to experience one. In some cases when people get AIDS, they easily convey this kind of disease to too many people nearby which are in three ways: blood, child-mother interaction within the period of pregnancy and lastly sexual activity. By comparing this kind of disease to others, we of course recognize how dangerous the AIDS is since its amount of death is much more than other kinds of disease. To be honest, we have been experiencing some method to cure efficiently ourselves of AIDS. But it is far and few between.

After still taking all consideration, I would again claim that AIDS and terrorism are the most important problems for us to pay attention to. With the development of technology, one may hope, we probably rub out the virus so called AIDS. Besides, with several affections from residents all around the world, we can gradually make Earth a better a place for living with regard to our permanent feature.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a Drama professor

[Happytofita]

Hello,

I am REALLY glad you organized your essay. In the introduction, you stated that terrorism and AIDS are the most difficult problems. In the body, you talked about terrorism in the first paragraph and AIDS in the second paragraph. In the conclusion, you restated your opinion. Isn't that wonderful? :D

Now, your next goal is to try to write better English. Try simple and short sentences next time. You are on the right track. I am happy for you. : o)

Good luck!

Mouhcine

[Happytofita]

Hello,

I am just a learner. So, I am going to correct some things, and I will let the rest to experts.

1- Please, notice the difference between decay and decade.
Decay: Sugar makes your teeth decay. Sugar damages your teeth.
Decade: is a period of ten years.
2- You mentioned firstly. It is used when you have a list of things. So I expect you to mention second (and may be third).
3- United State.
4- May be you can say AIDS casualties instead of”… the AIDS is since its amount of death is much…”

Good luck.

: o)

[Gray]

I, too, am not a teacher but I feel there is a stringent need to focus on sentence structure and correctness. As I said earlier, read a lot and pay attention to grammar and in-context meaning of the words.

E.g.,

"Firstly, we could not be able to forget our memorable event happening at a day of 11/9"

is incorrect grammatically and semantically too.

1) "be able to" is not necessary with "could not"
2) the event is not "memorable", it is "unforgettable"

Be as simple as you can -- how could we forget the 9/11?
_________________
First lesson - English, not english. I, not i. ~A student of English

[Kitosdad]

And I'll add my two-pennyworth.

DA, I have told you so many times ; Don't use words that you do not know the real meaning of. It impresses no-one when you say something that is completely out of context with the rest of the sentence.

KEEP IT SIMPLE.!

Kitos.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Darkangel12891]

Hi kito, gray,HT
It is nice to hear your three comments.
Thank a lot, i have learned much from you. I am still keeping reading books as my regular habit.:D

[Darkangel12891]

I have known the usage of writing english simply by reading" how to write english".However, in academic writing, in order to get higher score, we must step up our level of using english. What i mean is to try to use some of hard words. IS IT RIGHT.In addition,the essay must contain 300 to 350 words and thus how can i shorten it if i want to touch that amounts of words. Please give me your advise, i think this is also a hard question to those who learn english too.

[Happytofita]

Hello DA,