TOEFL® essay: There is too much violence in the movies now!

[Pie_Haston]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and I need some of your advices for my writing. Every time I try to write an essay, it seems difficult for me to find the good reasons and examples. All the passages look similar to each other and I don't know how to change this. I find this web really helpful and I have read a lot of the member's essays and the professors' advices. I'd better go to the main theme of this topic before I have gone so far.

Question : Do you agree or dis agree with the following statement:
There if too much violence in the movies now.
Give specific reasons and examples to support your response.

Nowadays, the masses' living standards becomes higher with every passing day. Entertainment services must be raised as a result. There are more movies in many genres for people to enjoy. But everyone can see clearly that the movies now have too much violence and unlimited.

There is an amazing fact that cartoon, a kind of movie for children, has much more violence than most of the movies have. So many violent actions are shown in a 15-minute cartoon. Scientists have done some researches on a group of children, they let the children all watch a cartoon where the characters hit and kick and punch each others. After that, each of the children was taken into a room with a doll that looks similar to one of the characters. The result is, the child did the same thing he has just seen to the doll. This shows that what children watch has an important impact on children and it is really dangerous for children to watch violent movie.

Another kind of film, action film, also has a lot of violent actions. Different from cartoon, action film does not have animated characters. Instead, there are real people in the movie, having aggressive behavior. More over, the characters do not only hit or punch each others but they also shoot and torture each other. Studies have shown correlation between viewing of violence and incidences of aggressive behavior in both childhood and adolescence. But a critical factor in increasing aggressive behaviors is that, if the aggressive roll model is rewarded rather than punished for violent behavior, that behavior is more likely to be seen as positive and is thus more likely to be imitated.

The violence takes place in every kind of movies. I remember once I watched a honor movie. A mad girl herself killed her mother, her daughter and her boyfriend but she still think it is her step mother did not her. The murderess thrust and cut her victims into peaces with blood. The picture of that thing still stuck in my mind and scared me.

Violent behaviors not only scare people but they also have the followers. There are so many problems caused by violence in the movies. And there must have consequences if no solution is offered.

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I'm looking forward to your reply, professor. If you don't mind, could you please correct my writing and tell me if there are anything I need to add or remove in my essays. And everything you think that would be better to my essay, just let me know ( I really really need all of your advices) I will post my writings everyday and I hope you don't bother check them out for me. thank you very much.

[Pie_Haston]

T_T why nobody post st here T_T

[Kitosdad]

Nowadays,the living standards of the masse's become higher with every passing day. Entertainment service standards must be raised as a result. There are now more movies in many genres for people to enjoy. But everyone can clearly see that movies now have too much violence .

There is a cartoon, a kind of movie for children, that has much more violence than most of the major movies have. So many violent actions are shown in a 15-minute cartoon.
Scientists did some research with a group of children. They let the children all watch a cartoon where the characters hit and kick and punch each others. After that, each of the children was taken into a room with a doll that looks similar to one of the characters. The result was, that the child did the same thing he had just seen done to the doll. This shows that what children watch has an important impact on them and it is really dangerous for children to watch violent movies.

Another kind of film, an action film, also has a lot of violent scenes.
The difference from the cartoon is that the action film does not have animated characters. Instead, there are real people in the movie, behaving aggressively.
Moreover, the characters do not only hit or punch each other, but they also shoot and torture each other.
Studies have shown that there is correlation between the viewing of violence and incidences of aggressive behavior in both childhood and adolescence. But a critical factor in increasing aggressive behaviour is that, if the aggressive roll model is rewarded rather than punished for violent behaviour, that behaviour is more likely to be seen as positive, and is thus more likely to be imitated.

Violence takes place in every kind of movie. I remember once watching a horror movie. A mad girl killed her mother, her daughter and her boyfriend, but she still thought it was her step-mother who did it, not her. The murderess thrust and cut her victims into pieces. The picture of those actions stuck in my mind and scared me.

Violent behaviour films not only scare people, but they also create cult followers. There are so many problems caused by violence in the movies, and there are going to be serious consequences if no solution is offered.

Quite a good essay Pie. You do need to expand your vocabulary a little to enable you to express your ideas more colourfully.

Kitos.
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If you need me, I'm here.

[Pie_Haston]

I know that I need to care more about my vocabulary. I'm still trying. Thank you very much ^^

[Pie_Haston]

Oh, I almost forgot, can you give out some examples about how I can make my essays more colorfully, please.

[Kitosdad]

Expand your vocabulary, but do not use the new words out of context in your essays.
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If you need me, I'm here.