TOEFL® essay: The power of money...

[Darkangel12891]

Topic: The power of money…

Needless to say money can almost buy every thing. Through the long period of time, money has its strong power on the way people can use it to purchase commodities, to control people and to join in both diverse activities.

At a first glance, with the development of economy, the living’s facility increases naturally. In fact, the appearance of air-conditioner, television, auto mobile, etc has supported our daily life significantly. Thus, money can buy all of them. Consequently, money helps our live to be more modern and comfortable. However, in certain cases when money becomes the instrument to negotiate goods, it classifies our society’s classes in higher and lower levels according to their possession gained.

Secondly, the money’s value can cover one eyes with its fascination, and thus can control people. For instance, the employer bargains benefits through controlling his employees, he pays fee and requires them to do exactly what he demands. However, controlling people involve two aspects, which are moral and immoral. Whatever the illustrations may be for immoral activities, there are many illegal organizations doing evil activities like robbery, arranging football score, etc because these things can bring them a lot of money and power. Apart from its immoral usage, money can help people to overcome their poverty, famine and even AIDS epidemic by several benefactor’s donated money. Furthermore, students have had more and more opportunities to get scholarship, usually 50 percents, for the university’s entrance.

To sum up, though people are likely subservient to money, it still be respected when being used in good purposes. Besides, people must realize the best way using money in order to make our life become better and better.

[Kitosdad]

DA, you are consistent only in always making your essays incomprehensible to readers, without their paying your work a great deal of attention and study. This isn't the way it is supposed to work. An essay should be a delight and a pleasure to read.
Yours unfortunately, are not.

You are a classic example of the many who forge ahead, having paid scant regard to basic English and sentence structure.

Please, do read the essay written by Happytofita, (My freshman years.) and study his manner of writing.

I know from long experience just how many essays you have written, and just how hard you have worked, but the sad truth is that you are treading water.

You have to stop, and recap all of the basic grammar that you appear to have just ran through as quickly as possible. You WILL NOT improve until you do so.

Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Darkangel12891]

I am so sorry, i wrote this essay without a deep thought. I will re-write it.