SAT® essay: What motivates people to change?

[Joethemole]

Quote:

To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.

Assignment:

What motivates people to change?

My Essay:

To many people, working towards a goal is dogged by procrastination; however, for me, when I realize I have a problem that needs changing, I follow through with it. Realizng a need for change is what motivates me to change.

I am currently a grade 12 student with a 98% overall average. This may seem impressive, but my marks have not always been this high. In grade 9, I was arrogant that I would get good grades without studying for exams; now, I feel embarrassed thinking about my haughtiness. Not only did I not get a 90% plus average, but my grades were in the dismal mid-80's. A mark well below my own expectations. Come grade 10, however, I decided that enough was enough, and made the resolution to do all my homework, study for all my tests, and seek help from teachers on concepts that I am unfamilliar with. Then, finally, results started showing. My marks in high school has represented a continual growth. I received a 92% average in grade 10, and this mark increased steadily to a 98% by the end of grade 11. I am ecstatic at this mark because my hardwork has finally paid off. Besides grades, I have also been determined to change my personality.

In grades 7 and 9, I could be classified as a loner or geek. I had only about 3 friends in those years, and they were just like me. I tried to make more friends, by just trying to talk to them, but this method never seemed to work. At last, I realized that it wasn't because I don't talk to people, it was because I was too cynical. In those years, I was pessimistic about almost everything; for example, whenever someone got a 95% plus on their test, I would simply dismiss their achievement as luck. Undoubtably, this had not made me many friends. After realizing my mistake, however, I made the commitment to change. I started being nicer around people. Instead of dismissing someone's high mark, I started praising them. Instead of trying to make others befriend me, I simply started being my new self. Now, going into grade 12, I am more than satisfied with my social life; with more than 20 good friends, and over 80 people on MSN, I am never short of company.

For some, realizing that they have a problem may be a hard pill to swallow, but I do just the opposite. By realizing a need for change, I make a resolution to change, and this determination motivates me.

thx for your time

[answerer]

Hi Joethemole! Are U the guy/girl on CC forum?
I just read some of your posts and read your essay. Your essay portion of the June SAT is very good in terms of grammar and vocab even compared to those of American students, and I wondered why you just got a 640. Personally I think your essay deserves a good score, at least 4.5.
Now, for your essay:
- what you have seen on CC forum, I'll not repeat (I agree with most of them)
- Others:
+ I think some sentences are not appropriate:

[answerer]

Sorry. I meant you should get at least a 9.
ha ha... I'm obsessed with the TOEFL.

[Joethemole]

Yes i am indeed the same Joe from CC.

As for the grammar thing: i had one day to study for my june sats... so i didn't really get a chance to go over all the rules.

as for this essay: thx for you criticism, but I realized an important aspect after reading a buncha SAT stuff. And that is, don't get bogged down on little stuff. See, what i used to do was think extremely carefully about every sentence in the essay, then i run out of time. and get bad marks.

So ya. I realized that the transition stuff are pretty forced... but thats what my kaplan instructor told me to do, although now i try not to force it (if use it at all)

[Guest]

oh ya.. umm. remember some stuff in this essay is made up.

[Guest]

I didn't mean to critize your making up things and your lack of sentence structures. What I really want to say about, is your content.
Actually, your essay needs to be more natural. I read it in just 2 minutes and then, felt a bit confused.
This is the first time I've commented on an SAT essay. If the fact that you're a senior is true, I may be even younger than you.

[Roddaut]

Joethemole,

First, I'd like to acknowledge you for having the courage to post an essay to recieve feedback. This kind of willingness to learn is actually the first thing you need to do well on a challenging test like the SAT.

Second, I think you could really benefit on some good advice as to how graders grade the essay.

My comments below are based on actual research on how sat graders grade.

1. Your essay is 428 words. Good work. 90% of essays over 400 words in lenght got the highest possible score of 12.

2. Your essay does not use any academic examples. You don't use knowledge gained from history and literature courses. This reduces the chances of getting a high score.

3. Your paragraphs aren't "fast reader friendly". This means that a person reading fast can get lost in what you are trying to say. To make them better you should start a paragraph by restating your thesis. For example you could start the second paragraph by saying "What motivated me to change my study habits were the poor grades I recieved in 9th grade." Or "One example that proves that people are motivated to change by seeing the need for change is how I responded to getting poor grades in 9th grade."

Remember, graders spend 3 minutes reading and grading your essay. If they have to think too much to get your argument they may miss it.

Due mostly to the lenght of this essay it should score between 8 and 9.

To get a 12 you would need to use scholarly content and make your paragraphs easy to follow.

To find out more information on how to influence graders to give you a high score go to SAT Essay

[Kinoko_No_Ronin]

I'm not completely sure this pertains to SAT grading, but when you write numbers in writing you're supposed to write out some of them. (ex. four instead of 4)

I don't remember all of the rules exactly. I know that any number between zero and 101 must be spelled out. I believe every hundreds place (one hundred, two hundred, three hundred, etc.) afterward must also be spelled out.

In other words; one, ten, fifty, ninety-nine, one hundred, 101, 102, etc.

I hope that was useful. I don't mean to be too nit-picky.

[Beijingboy]

I think that the essay's idea overall is pretty substantial and strong. But I'd have to say the structure isn't that well organized. When I do an SAT essay section. I quickly make a chart to plan the essay. I study the topic and assignment and quickly make a chart.
E.G.
Assignment: "Whether or not winning is everything"

Sports
Business
Science
Maths
War

etc.. and I write an example for each section or so. Just briefly. I then use this structure:
Paragraph:
1. Intro
2. Body Paragraph (one example)
3. Body Paragraph (second example)
4. Body Paragraph (third example)
5. Conclusion (restate thesis)

This structure for me works well because I finish just on time and I am left with just a couple of minutes to quickly edit and scan. Hope this may help. Good luck.

D

[Danny411]

so which one did you pick ? sports , war ? business?

op: I didnt see a counterargument. U laid it out in the intro then forgot about it ? Maybe a counter paragraph is need?

ie.

1)There is an old adage that the early bird gets the worm. Many people dont follow this rationale. They procrastinate. There terms paper and studying is done at the last moment. I don't. I learned from the past that to get top marks you got to start early. By doing this i avoid having to rush. This is the secret of my success....

2 counter-- Many people wait till the last moment. They feel this is the best way. They can focus better when under the gun. usually they throw there project together and get crappy marks.

3) crappy marks come from poor time management skills. I have learned to management my time effectively.

4)because of my good time management skills i get excellent grades (cept for english lol)

5) in conclusion, the early bird gets the worm is so true.

see how things are all tied together. Its easy. In the bodies refer to the counter to flesh out your stuff. Good effort....

[Socai]

Your guide on how to beat procrastination
Have you ever notice exactly how large those shopping malls have become lately – it is almost impossible to say exactly how long they are. You see, there is a dirty trick here (accompanied by a rational fact of saving up space). However, if you were to enter in a mall that was laid out in all his length, assuming that they only have one level you will be so scared of how much is to walk and see that you will go back in your car and drive back home. All those twists, turns, levels, corridors and whatever shopping centers have usually diminish the “huge effect”. At first, you might see the first floor with not so great length and work your way up to the top floor without feeling as if you have walked a million miles.
Actually, if you were to realize exactly how far apart are some stores you will actually not be interested in going to the shopping mall ever again and prefer to go by car from one store to another. You might ask what has going to the mall have to do with procrastination. You see, in those shopping centers those huge distances are broken down in small ones that you do not notice as they add up, and the same example can be followed with procrastination. Break the same large problem into several small ones.
You can think of many examples in which you will simply get a lot more things done (without noticing it!) if you break them down in small tasks. Another example is when you have to pay taxes – you can first pick up the necessary forms, and then get them organized and filled and so on and so forth. You will not think you have so much to do if you break them down in small parts. Follow the Nike idea and simply do it now, and do not leave yourself to think you are going to do it later. Everything you “will do later” will actually make a lot of things be made later. You will encounter a great feeling when you actually finish all you have to do, a feeling of relief because you finished everything, rather when you simply put everything off you will always feel stressed.
As you work throughout the day your mind usually slips off to what you might want to do instead of what you are actually doing. You will actually concentrate a bit more if you will find a bit of time for those activities as well. Thinking that you have not played tennis in the last three months, even if you wanted you makes you drop everything and go to the tennis court and play. Instead of doing this, schedule it sometime after you finish working, along with other activities that you would like to do. Knowing that you have finished all your work will let you relax a bit more when you go do your favorite activities because otherwise you will find yourself in a state where you are actually more stressed than relaxed.
I can really suggest you I site which have really helped me a lot hope u can find some adv, so guyz go through it and kill that thing called procrastination

Have a look at

http://helpprocrastination.com/methods-to-overcome-procrastination/your-guide-on-how-to-beat-procrastination.php