Please mark/comment on my SAT essay

[Joethemole]

Quote:

To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.

Assignment:

What motivates people to change?

My Essay:

To many people, working towards a goal is dogged by procrastination; however, for me, when I realize I have a problem that needs changing, I follow through with it. Realizng a need for change is what motivates me to change.

I am currently a grade 12 student with a 98% overall average. This may seem impressive, but my marks have not always been this high. In grade 9, I was arrogant that I would get good grades without studying for exams; now, I feel embarrassed thinking about my haughtiness. Not only did I not get a 90% plus average, but my grades were in the dismal mid-80's. A mark well below my own expectations. Come grade 10, however, I decided that enough was enough, and made the resolution to do all my homework, study for all my tests, and seek help from teachers on concepts that I am unfamilliar with. Then, finally, results started showing. My marks in high school has represented a continual growth. I received a 92% average in grade 10, and this mark increased steadily to a 98% by the end of grade 11. I am ecstatic at this mark because my hardwork has finally paid off. Besides grades, I have also been determined to change my personality.

In grades 7 and 9, I could be classified as a loner or geek. I had only about 3 friends in those years, and they were just like me. I tried to make more friends, by just trying to talk to them, but this method never seemed to work. At last, I realized that it wasn't because I don't talk to people, it was because I was too cynical. In those years, I was pessimistic about almost everything; for example, whenever someone got a 95% plus on their test, I would simply dismiss their achievement as luck. Undoubtably, this had not made me many friends. After realizing my mistake, however, I made the commitment to change. I started being nicer around people. Instead of dismissing someone's high mark, I started praising them. Instead of trying to make others befriend me, I simply started being my new self. Now, going into grade 12, I am more than satisfied with my social life; with more than 20 good friends, and over 80 people on MSN, I am never short of company.

For some, realizing that they have a problem may be a hard pill to swallow, but I do just the opposite. By realizing a need for change, I make a resolution to change, and this determination motivates me.

thx for ur time

[answerer]

Hi Joethemole! Are U the guy/girl on CC forum?
I just read some of your posts and read your essay. Your essay portion of the June SAT is very good in terms of grammar and vocab even compared to those of American students, and I wondered why you just got a 640. Personally I think your essay deserves a good score, at least 4.5.
Now, for your essay:
- what you have seen on CC forum, I'll not repeat (I agree with most of them)
- Others:
+ I think some sentences are not appropriate:

[answerer]

Sorry. I meant you should get at least a 9.
ha ha... I'm obsessed with the TOEFL.

[Joethemole]

Yes i am indeed the same Joe from CC.

As for the grammar thing: i had one day to study for my june sats... so i didn't really get a chance to go over all the rules.

as for this essay: thx for you criticism, but I realized an important aspect after reading a buncha SAT stuff. And that is, don't get bogged down on little stuff. See, what i used to do was think extremely carefully about every sentence in the essay, then i run out of time. and get bad marks.

So ya. I realized that the transition stuff are pretty forced... but thats what my kaplan instructor told me to do, although now i try not to force it (if use it at all)

[Guest]

oh ya.. umm. remember some stuff in this essay is made up.

[Guest]

I didn't mean to critize your making up things and your lack of sentence structures. What I really want to say about, is your content.
Actually, your essay needs to be more natural. I read it in just 2 minutes and then, felt a bit confused.
This is the first time I've commented on an SAT essay. If the fact that you're a senior is true, I may be even younger than you.

[roddaut]

Joethemole,

First, I'd like to acknowledge you for having the courage to post an essay to recieve feedback. This kind of willingness to learn is actually the first thing you need to do well on a challenging test like the SAT.

Second, I think you could really benefit on some good advice as to how graders grade the essay.

My comments below are based on actual research on how sat graders grade.

1. Your essay is 428 words. Good work. 90% of essays over 400 words in lenght got the highest possible score of 12.

2. Your essay does not use any academic examples. You don't use knowledge gained from history and literature courses. This reduces the chances of getting a high score.

3. Your paragraphs aren't "fast reader friendly". This means that a person reading fast can get lost in what you are trying to say. To make them better you should start a paragraph by restating your thesis. For example you could start the second paragraph by saying "What motivated me to change my study habits were the poor grades I recieved in 9th grade." Or "One example that proves that people are motivated to change by seeing the need for change is how I responded to getting poor grades in 9th grade."

Remember, graders spend 3 minutes reading and grading your essay. If they have to think too much to get your argument they may miss it.

Due mostly to the lenght of this essay it should score between 8 and 9.

To get a 12 you would need to use scholarly content and make your paragraphs easy to follow.

To find out more information on how to influence graders to give you a high score go to SAT Essay

[kinoko_no_ronin]

I'm not completely sure this pertains to SAT grading, but when you write numbers in writing you're supposed to write out some of them. (ex. four instead of 4)

I don't remember all of the rules exactly. I know that any number between zero and 101 must be spelled out. I believe every hundreds place (one hundred, two hundred, three hundred, etc.) afterward must also be spelled out.

In other words; one, ten, fifty, ninety-nine, one hundred, 101, 102, etc.

I hope that was useful. I don't mean to be too nit-picky.
_________________
Wonder why a lone wolf don't run with a clan?

[beijingboy]

I think that the essay's idea overall is pretty substantial and strong. But I'd have to say the structure isn't that well organized. When I do an SAT essay section. I quickly make a chart to plan the essay. I study the topic and assignment and quickly make a chart.
E.G.
Assignment: "Whether or not winning is everything"

Sports
Business
Science
Maths
War

etc.. and I write an example for each section or so. Just briefly. I then use this structure:
Paragraph:
1. Intro
2. Body Paragraph (one example)
3. Body Paragraph (second example)
4. Body Paragraph (third example)
5. Conclusion (restate thesis)

This structure for me works well because I finish just on time and I am left with just a couple of minutes to quickly edit and scan. Hope this may help. Good luck.

D