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TOEFL® essay: If you could make a positive change to your life, what would you...



 
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TOEFL essay: If you could make a positive change to your life, what would you... #1 (permalink) Sat Jul 18, 2009 6:41 am   TOEFL essay: If you could make a positive change to your life, what would you...
 

:D hello everybody, iam a new member of the forum, today I want to create a new topic in the forum about english essay. ^^ i have an essay here but i think that it still has some mistakes. please help me to find out and correct it. Thanks in advance.
here is the topic
:“If you could make a positive change to your life, what would you like that change be?”

You ask me about a positive change I want to make if I could. Yes! People always want to make changes in their lives: some want to be strong, some want to be the rich...some even want to change the world ^-^.For me. It’s simple. It’s not a physical change because everybody can grow up by this way. But here, I am expressing about the change in thinking>it’s the change from a want-of- thought person to be a mature one, it’s really important not only for me but also for all of you even though somebody thinks that it’s such a small thing. To prove my opinion, I will tell you a story; an unforgettable experience in my whole life.
Sixteen years passed by from a day at the end of October in the year of monkey. I have had many changes. From a stunted kid, now I become a healthy high school girl thanks to my mother’s tender hands and the protection of my father. But the real change only came to make a new me just nearly 2 months ago, it was a terrible event.
It was a scorching sun noon. That day, I dragged my feet to go home in a depressed mood. Holding the mark chart of the last semester tightly in my hand, I was transfixed and I even didn’t want to cry: I was at the last position of all students in my class. I felt that thin paper was as heavy as thousands of pounds...because I knew how much sad and disappointed my parents would be. I can’t help thinking about my mother‘s eyes dimmed with tears. I wasn’t strong enough to cope with that horrible sight; I decided to write a letter enclosed the mark chart and left home. I wandered through all streets in my beloved city with a friend of mine and then came to sleep at one of my classmates’ house. The first night far from parents, from loving house was as long as a century. I tossed about sleeplessly all through the night with indescribable feelings. I was lost in thought of myself. At the thought of my mother, I compassionated her a lot. Why did she have a daughter like me? A resplendence sensation was full in my heart. I remembered my time when I was in primary and junior school, it was really good times, I was always no 1 in class, but see now? Not anymore. This result put a paid to all. I was disqualified from the victory ~~.The next morning at school was meaningless; I had no heart and mind to study. I didn’t want this class to be over but it had to, I went home to face to my mother and maybe I would leave home forever. I walked slowly and hard till to I saw my father looking for me and took me home. He said nothing to me; just waved his head quietly after threw to me a sad look. Oh my God, my mom was laid down on the bed; I could feel the tear stream inside. I was stunned to realize how much I love her. I made a huge mistake; I cried silently and hugged her tightly in my hands. neglecting studies and faulty superficial thoughts of a lazy guy who think myself to be mature could be very dangerous to kill me and my mother that I don’t think about. Perhaps my mother let me off because I am her life’s treasure.It was that unforgettable moment changed me into a new one, just because I want my mother, my father... will see my victory.
That’s my story ^-^.It’s meaningful to my life from then on. It was a big lesson that I learned from failure. It’s the big change- the change of thinking in human beings. Some people think about what big change, but for me it’s simple and enough that now I am a mature person. That’s the biggest change I’ve ever had. So guy, if I could make a positive change to my life, I would do that again^^ and you?

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of Anthropology
Zhenyi
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 19 Dec 2008
Posts: 10
Location: Viet Nam

Essay #2 (permalink) Sat Jul 18, 2009 16:54 pm   Essay
 

Zhenyi, being critical, I could have torn this essay to pieces, but it told such a heart-warming story that I would have been ashamed to change one word of it.

I have no idea how it would go down as an essay before the examining board, but if they had any feelings at all, it would get excellent marks.

You have a good command on English, and a good idea of sentence structure, although your text is a little flowery, but I accept that this is the person that you are.

I liked your essay very much. My hope is that it will be received with similar feelings by your examiners.

Kitos.
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Kitosdad
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Essay #3 (permalink) Sun Jul 19, 2009 7:15 am   Essay
 

:D the first thing I wanna say is thank you so much. i appreciate your remark a lot.
To be honest, it was a true story that happened to me about 2 years ago. 8) this became a precious memory to me. so when I was asked to help an american to do this essay, I thought of that memory then I just wrote what I thought. I know that there'r still many mistakes ^^ but it was written by me- a high school student beginning to "make friends" with english :D
This topic came from usa in an examination of california state. I helped my friend to do this. Well, ^^ it was a good opportuniry to me to test my english so i accepted to help him. And i was so surprised that it got an A+ from the government. :D yes, just like u said, it's not perfect but it's unique :P. therefore, although u can tear it up ^^ iams till very hapy about it. But I posted it here so as to make it correct. So, could u please point out the problems for me? :D Thanks in advance.
Zhenyi
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 19 Dec 2008
Posts: 10
Location: Viet Nam

Essay #4 (permalink) Sun Jul 19, 2009 7:35 am   Essay
 

Zhenyi. Good morning to you. It will be a difficult essay to edit, so I will just alter it to the way in which I would have written it.
I am in no way surprised that your essay gained an A+. It was very well written, and I hope others will take an example from your work, as to just what can be achieved when a degree of emotion is added to an essay.

Kitos.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.
Kitosdad
Language Coach


Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13518
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

Essay #5 (permalink) Sun Jul 19, 2009 8:38 am   Essay
 

You ask me have I ever wanted to make a positive change in my life?
My reply to you is yes. I wanted to, and I did.

People always want to make changes in their lives. Some want to be strong, some want to be the rich...some even want to change the world.

For me. It was simple. It wasn't a physical change, because everyone grows up.
But here I am expressing the change in my thinking.
It was the change from thinking I was mature, to becoming so.

To illustrate my point I will tell you a story; an unforgettable experience in my whole life.

I was sixteen years old at the time, and I had just begun to take note that my former gangling appearance had changed dramatically.
From being a stunted kid, I had become a healthy high-school girl, thanks to my mother’s tender hands, and the loving protection of my father.
But the greatest change in the "new-me" only became evident only two months ago.
It was a really distressing event that forced me to really grow-up quickly.

It was a scorching hot day and I had just received my school term report. It simply stated that I was bottom of my class!
I was devastated as I realised just how disappointed my parents would be when they read it. I imagined my parents weeping at the thought of how poorly I had fared in spite of all of their great hopes for me.
I couldn't bear the thought of facing them with this report, so stupidly I wrote them a note and placed it in an envelope along with the report. I wandered through all streets in my beloved city with a friend of mine, and then came to sleep at the home of one of my classmates.

The first night far from parents, far from our love-filled home, seemed as long as a century. I tossed about sleeplessly all through the long night with indescribable feelings. I was lost in thoughts of myself, and my failure. I thought of my mother, and I wept for her disappointment and dismay. I wept also for my father and the sacrifices that he had made on my behalf, so that I could secure a bright future. Now all seemed lost.

Why did they have a daughter like me? A resplendence sensation filled my heart.
I remembered the time when I was in primary and junior school. It was a really good time, as I was always no 1 in class, but see now, not any-more. This result had put-paid to all that.

The next morning at school was meaningless. I had no heart and mind to study.
I didn’t want this class to end, but it did. I went home to face to my parents, and I thought maybe I would leave home forever.

I walked very slowly until I met my father who was anxiously looking for me.
He said nothing to me. He just waved his head quietly and gave me a sad look.
Oh my God, my mom was laid down on the bed. I could feel the tears streaming inside of me. I was stunned to realize how much I loved her. I had made such a huge mistake.

I cried silently and hugged her tightly in my hands. Neglecting my studies and having the faulty superficial thoughts of a lazy guy who thought himself to be mature, had reduced my family to this state. My mother simply smiled up at me and said everything was fine. I hadn't to be too upset about that report.
Perhaps my mother let me off because I am her life’s treasure. It was that unforgettable moment that turned me into a different person.

From that moment I vowed to myself that I would become the successful daughter my parents had so long hoped for.

That’s my story. I truly hope that it will serve as a lesson for other young people who mistakenly believe that they are mature at sixteen years of age.

Zehnyi.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.
Kitosdad
Language Coach


Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13518
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

TOEFL essay: If you could make a positive change to your life, what would you... #6 (permalink) Mon Jul 20, 2009 16:32 pm   TOEFL essay: If you could make a positive change to your life, what would you...
 

oh yeah ^^ thanks a lot. I see that. maybe here would be your own style if u had chance to rewrite this essay. Anyway, thank you very much for your help. I appreciate it a lot.
Zhenyi
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 19 Dec 2008
Posts: 10
Location: Viet Nam

TOEFL essay: If you could make a positive change to your life, what would you... #7 (permalink) Mon Jul 20, 2009 17:46 pm   TOEFL essay: If you could make a positive change to your life, what would you...
 

Zhenyi, you are most welcome.

Kitos.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.
Kitosdad
Language Coach


Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 13518
Location: ESSEN, Germany, (but English.)

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