TOEFL® essay sample: Women go out to work.

[Mango_Yogurt]

More and more women go out to work. Should the government subsidize them and provide free staff and facilities to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, there is no longer gender discrimination in labor market as well as discrimination in contributions to the economy between men and women. However, women are the only ones who can give birth to babies and they are often confronted with a dilemma if they need or want to work as well as be a mother. From my point of view, to deal with this, one of good solutions is that the government should subsidize them and provide free staff, facilities to care for their children because of the following reasons.

Firstly, when a woman having baby decides to join to the labor force, it is not easily for her to do her two jobs including her working and baby caring well at the same time. Childcare arrangements, time intensity and the quality of childcare desired are all things that constrain woman’s economic activities. Therefore, this subsidiary policy not only creates favorable conditions for women to focus on their work but also contributes to increase the social welfare.

Secondly, as a married woman, have you ever thought about the impact of having children on your current work? I think the answer could be “yes” for not a few people especially for them who are planning to have a baby. If your family depends primarily on your income and having a baby could damage your current work, then whether you are still dare to think about that. As a result, this could be one of the reasons for population decline.

Finally, we all know that: “children today, the world tomorrow”. The future of any country will be mostly determined by their young generations. Hence, caring and protecting for children is not only the responsibility of each child family but also becomes much more important national mission of each country.

In conclusion, successfully implemented this policy will not only bring about the benefits for each family but also have effect of promoting the stable and rapid economic development.

[Kitosdad]

MY, good essay, but you're still making simple errors.

Kitos.
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If you need me, I'm here.

[Mango_Yogurt]

Dear Kitos.

Could you please show me the errors I made. Thanks in advance