TOEFL® essay example: When should we get married?

[Mango_Yogurt]

"No one should marry before the age of 30. Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Why (not)?

In the modern life, the way people think about marriage is changing. In fact, we are focusing on working hard to have a good job, a good position that are all called a good base to have a happy family in the future. Hence, we don’t care about the time or age we’ll marry. Thus, it is said that we should not marry before the age of 30. For me, this statement is partly right for some reasons.

The point I disagree with this statement is that if you are female you should marry before you are 30 years old. This can be explained that it is not good for woman to have a baby after the age of 30. The scientific research shows that it will badly affect the children in the future if their mothers are pregnant at the age more than 25.
In contrast, if you are male I think it is a good advice because of the two reasons. Firstly, I think 30 years old is not enough for you to be mature to have a happy family. The more time you deal with the problems in your single life will help you deal with your family life later. Secondly, with general assumption that you graduate at 22 years old then 8 years later is a good time for you to create your own assets before marrying someone.

To sum up, this statement is a good advice for men but not a good idea for women. However, if you are a mature man and have a successful life, you can marry whenever you want. Therefore, it is not really important issue that whether you marry before or after the age of 30. The problem is that would you ensure that you could have a happy family with all you are having now or not.

[Gray]

That sounds like a coherent argument. Very few could write so elegantly!

By the way, how old are you? (kidding)
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First lesson - English, not english. I, not i. ~A student of English

[Mango_Yogurt]

I would be happy if you could give me more detail comments

[Gray]

[Kitosdad]

(Today) the way people think about marriage is changing. In fact,we are focusing on working hard to (ensure our gaining) a good job and a good position.
These assure us of (establishing) a good base to have a happy family in the future. Hence, we don’t care about the time or age (that) we’ll marry.

Thus, it is said that we should not marry before the age of 30. For me, this statement is partly right for some reasons.

The point I disagree with (in) this statement is that if you are female you should marry before you are 30 years old. This can be explained (by saying) that it is not good for (a) woman to have a baby after the age of 30. (S)cientific research shows that it will badly affect children in the future if their mothers are pregnant at (a later age than 25).

In contrast, if you are male, I think it is good advice because of the(se) two reasons.

Firstly, I think 30 years old is not (old) enough for you to be mature (enough)to have a happy family.
The more time you (take to) deal with the problems in your single life, ( the more it) will help you deal with your family (in later life.)

Secondly, with (a) general assumption that you graduate at 22 years old, then 8 years later is a good time for you to (have acquired)) your own assets before marrying someone.

To sum up, this statement (can be taken as) good advice for men but not a good idea for women. However, if you are a mature man and have a successful life, you can marry whenever you want.

Therefore, it is not (a) really important issue whether you marry before or after the age of 30. The problem is that (c)ould you ensure that you could have a happy family with all you hav(e) now or not (?)
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If you need me, I'm here.

[Mango_Yogurt]

@Gray: Thank you, I will think about that.

@Kito: Thank you very much. I did read my own essay many times but I did not find any mistakes even though I know it has. Thanks for your help.

[Kitosdad]

MY, a tip. Finish your essay, and leave it for an hour or so.
Then go back and read every word/phrase slowly. You will find the errors.

Kitos.
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If you need me, I'm here.

[Gray]

[Mango_Yogurt]

Thanks for your all suggestions. I'll try. I feel like I am in a right place to improve my english