TOEFL® essay: What recent news has affected you the most and in which way?

[Yamilet]

What Recent news has affected you the most and in which way?

This is an old essay, one of my first writing. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

All over the news all you see is Iranian people protesting and fighting for their rights. When it was close to voting they all thought this is a new beginning for their country, but the result was rather surprisingly to all of them. Once again the same leader was voted president of Iran, they all stood in disbelieve as the votes where counted. More than eleven million votes more for Mr. Ahmadinejad than for the opposite side. They all knew this was a false result.

The next day, many people young, and old where on the streets, this time was not just supporting their favorite leader but opposing the election votes. The woman wanted their rights, to be able to have a job and dress normal like all over the world. Become a successful professional, and be seeing with respect and dignity. People are angry and frustrated, and completely hurt by this abuse. They have had enough, and now is time to stand up for what they believe in for a Democratic Iran. This protest are not as friendly any more, people are being attacked, beaten and consequently killed, many have disappear. The journalist that are aloud to enter Iran can not report everything, their videos and interviews have been checked, at times they have been told to live by the minister of defense or they will not be able to provide safety for them. This is the Iran in which so many people are suffering. It upsets me a great deal to see how their hopes and dreams are crushed. There have been many deaths and one in particular has touch everyone not just me. Her name was Neda

Neda was a young girl, she was 26 year old, and as any other went to the protest to show her support and disagreement with the election votes. She was there with her music teacher when unfortunately she was shot in the heart and killed. The only way people outside of Iran can see this is by Iranians filming with their phones, and posting it on the Internet. The whole world saw the final minutes of this beautiful girl, whose life was taken away just because she decided to stand for what she believed in. Neda's death has a meaning to all of the people in Iran, and especially to the ones outside as well. She will always remain in the heart of the people. The Internet has become the news source to help everyone get united, and speak out for what they believe. However, the pain coming from this situation is shared by people from all over the world who are not able to do much about it.

In conclusion, this recent news has affected me in many ways, first and most of all, I feel like I'm a part of this country, since I have been living in the Persian culture for more than 8 years. Iran is like my own country and my own roots, even though I have not had the opportunity to visit this wonderful and amazing place I know when I do I will love it just as much as I love my hometown. Second , it has affected me to see so many people dying and suffering, to see the pain in their eyes, and still see how they overcome their own fears, and stand for what they want. It amazes me to realize that this country is full of valiant peoples who will fight to get their voices heard. Furthermore, risk their lives and the lives of those they love to have freedom and demand their rights. Lastly this latests news has affected me in a way no other news has. By having friends and relatives over there, and the family of my friends, every day when I wake up the first thing I do is turn the TV on or go to the computer to find out the latest news. I hope and pray that all of this problems are soon resolved, and that everyone has the opportunity to have a better life as well as freedom, which are vital to have peace.

TOEFL listening discussions: What is the purpose of this conversation?
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Yamilet

[Kitosdad]

.All over the news all you see is Iranian people protesting and fighting for their rights. When it was close to voting they all thought this (was) a new beginning for their country, but the result was rather (surprising) to all of them.

Once again the same leader was voted president of Iran. (T)hey all stood in disbelie(f) as the votes where counted. More than eleven million votes more for Mr. Ahmadinejad than for the opposite side. They all knew this was a false result.

The next day, many people young and old (were) on the streets. (T)his time (it) was not just supporting their favourite leader but opposing the election votes.
The (women) wanted their rights, to be able to have a job and dress normal like all over the world.
Become a successful professional, and be (seen) with respect and dignity.
People (were) angry and frustrated, and completely hurt by this abuse. They have had enough, and now is time to stand up for what they believe in for a Democratic Iran. This protest (is) not as friendly any more, (with) people being attacked, beaten and consequently killed, many have disappear(ed).

The journalist(s) (who) are (allowed) to enter Iran (cannot) report everything, their videos and interviews have been checked, (and) at times they have been told to live by the Minister of Defense or they will not be able to provide safety for them.

This is the Iran in which so many people are suffering. It upsets me a great deal to see how their hopes and dreams are crushed. There have been many deaths and one in particular has touch everyone not just me. Her name was Neda

Neda was a young girl, she was 26 year old, and as any other went to the protest to show her support and disagreement with the election votes.
She was there with her music teacher when unfortunately she was shot in the heart and killed.
The only way people outside of Iran can see this is by Iranians filming with their phones, and posting it on the Internet.
The whole world saw the final minutes of this beautiful girl, whose life was taken away just because she decided to stand for what she believed in.

Neda's death has a meaning to all of the people in Iran, and especially to the ones outside as well.
She will always remain in the heart of the people. The Internet has become the news source to help everyone get united, and speak out for what they believe. However, the pain coming from this situation is shared by people from all over the world, who are not able to do much about it.

In conclusion, this recent news has affected me in many ways, first and most of all, I feel like I'm a part of this country, since I have been living in the Persian culture for more than 8 years. Iran is like my own country and my own roots, even though I have not had the opportunity to visit this wonderful and amazing place I know when I do I will love it just as much as I love my home-town.

Second , it has affected me to see so many people dying and suffering, to see the pain in their eyes, and still see how they overcome their own fears, and stand for what they want.

It amazes me to realize that this country is full of valiant people who will fight to get their voices heard. Furthermore, risk their lives and the lives of those they love to have freedom and demand their rights.

Lastly this latests news has affected me in a way no other news has. By having friends and relatives over there, and the family of my friends, every day when I wake up the first thing I do is turn the TV on or go to the computer to find out the latest news.
I hope and pray that all of th(ese) problems are soon resolved, and that everyone has the opportunity to have a better life as well as freedom, which are vital to have peace.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Yamilet]

Thank you so much, any suggestion of how to improve my grammar?
I go to bed thinking of subject-verb agreement, and all this things
I even dream about it haha, but i still can't get this right
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Yamilet

[Kitosdad]

Yamilet, I know NOTHING about grammar. Say it as you feel it.

Please, give the formal grammar a rest and concentrate on your writing. Your opinions are always sound, and your wisdom shines through.

The grammar will come to the fore on its own. You are too good a writer to be worried about grammatical mistakes at this stage of your progress.

Kitos.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Yamilet]

I guess you are right
Thanks again :)
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Yamilet