TOEFL® essay: If you could change one important thing about your hometown...

[Yamilet]

If you could change one important thing about your hometown , what would you change?

Again this is one of my first essays. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I like to think this is possible and that I would be able to do such a thing, but really is far away from this I can just dream, and wish that one day I could be a part of such change. I would choose freedom as the main change to my country. Different kinds of freedoms, like freedom of speech, travel, business, and work. Cuba is a country with major issues, and the main one would be, that people can not talk or say what they feel. They have to abide by the government laws, and are not able to travel abroad or open their own businesses, and as a result of this, they live in very bad conditions.

The desire of liberty is the most wanted thing that we want in my hometown. Unfortunately, we are restrained to many rules. If by changing this one thing, I can give the opportunity to everyone to have the right to speak out their mind, to say what they feel, and not to be afraid of the consequences. Then things would be changed in Cuba, and people would stand up for what they believe in. Furthermore, if they are not happy with their life here, they can simply immigrate to another country, and build a better one.

Meanwhile, the ones who want to stay in Cuba, would have the right to open a business, they would have the independence that they need to restored their lives. This would lead to a democratic country, and a new beginning for all. All the pain and suffering will disappear, we can all start again, this will also mean that better educational opportunities will be there to all of those who want to succeed.

In conclusion, freedom is the most important thing a person needs to be happy, and live a fulfilling and meaningful life. In other words, we all need it, regardless of our spoken language, our culture, or our age. Underneath the pain and suffering there is always hope for freedom, which is always associated with a better life.
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Yamilet

[Kitosdad]

I like to think this is possible and that I would be able to do such a thing, but real(ity) is far away from this (and)I can (only dream) and wish that one day I could be a part of such (a)change.

I would choose freedom as the main change to my country.
Different kinds of freedoms, like freedom of speech, travel, business, and work.
Cuba is a country with major issues, and the main one would be, that people (cannot) talk or say what they feel.
They have to abide by the government laws, and are not able to travel abroad or open their own businesses, and as a result of this, they live in very bad conditions.

The desire (for) liberty is the most wanted thing that we want in my hometown. Unfortunately, we are restrained (by) many rules.

(B)y changing this one thing, I can give the opportunity to everyone to have the right to speak out their mind, to say what they feel, and not to be afraid of the consequences. Then things would be changed in Cuba, and people would stand up for what they believe in.
Furthermore, if they are not happy with their li(ves) here, they can simply (e)migrate to another country, and build a better one.

Meanwhile, the ones who want to stay in Cuba, would have the right to open a business, they would have the independence that they need to (restore) their lives.
This would lead to a democratic country, and a new beginning for all. All the pain and suffering will disappear, (and)we can all start again. (T)his will also mean that better educational opportunities will be there to all of those who want to succeed.

In conclusion, freedom is the most important thing a person needs to be happy, and (to) live a (full) and meaningful life. In other words, we all need it, regardless of our spoken language, our culture, or our age. Underneath the pain and suffering there is always hope for freedom, which is always associated with a better life.
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If you need me, I'm here.

[Yamilet]

Thanks again
Wow so many mistake , I have to get rid of them .
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Yamilet

[Kitosdad]

Not that many.

You are punishing yourself by writing too many essays.

Better you think them in your head whilst modifying each sentence to your utmost satisfaction.
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If you need me, I'm here.

[Yamilet]

I try ha
thanks
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Yamilet

[Silky]

Hi Yamilet

your essays are really great, I almost read all you topic.I am not teacher.I am just learning here and preparing for TOEFL.will you please share us how to write in well organised way.

[Yamilet]

Thanks Silky
Actually I have been out of school for a long time, I had my son at 19 and since then I have been home with him, now I'm 25. When I started I was terrible, but I kept practicing, also I try to write as much as possible. I read a lot. Furthermore, I read other essays and I look at the organization of them, this helps me too. I suggest you just keep practicing, you will get better, I'm studying for the TOEFL too, Good luck to you.
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Yamilet

[Honey2]

you are great yamilet
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live quite life

[Yamilet]

Thanks Honey2
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Yamilet

[Vuduyvy90]

Thank for your sharing, Yamilet. I agree with your opinion about your country. Because I have the same situation, I'm Vietnamese and I live with bad goverment which has many problems to solve.

[Kitosdad]

Good morning everyone.
The essays of Yamilet are excellent, because whilst staying within the parameters of good English she allows her heart to speak out freely and without embarrassment.

This will always result in interesting and inspiring essays.

Kitos.
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If you need me, I'm here.

[Yamilet]

Ohh that's so sweet Kitos
Thank you
and you are right, I'm not afraid, or embarrassed to say what I think, and how I feel about any topic.
I guess that makes me who I'm today. Why should we hide what we feel? We have freedom of speech, so therefore we should use it haha.
Thanks again
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Yamilet