TOEFL® essay: Buying a house or a business?

[Instigator]

You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.

If I had the opportunity to choose whether I should buy a house or a business, I would definitely decide to purchase a business. I believe that the investment in a business is profitable and will help me to get experience. Despite it is risky, is something which can be developed and it will give me the chance to show my potential.

Fist of all, by buying a business I will get the opportunity to meet new people and to gain a lot of experience because its development depends only on my skills. I will have to solve different problems and make difficult decisions. In that way I will become a responsible and self-independent person. When my business eventually grows I will need people to get the things done for me. This will give me communicational and social skills. As a result, I can say that buying a business will help me to grow up and to know how to get what I want.

Next, when I purchase a business, I will know that my success depends only on myself and my decisions- from the choice who to hire to that to make my company merge in a bigger one. It takes courage but having my own business it’s a chance of a lifetime to prove to the world and myself that I am capable of success. For example, there is no such a feeling like that of accomplishment and satisfaction because of the success of my business.

To top it all, if I have bad luck, my business can fall trough but in the end I will know that I have tried and gave my best. This will learn mе lessons and my next business can be more profitable. In this way I will have the chance to buy not only a house but everything I need. Consequently, buying a business is the better choice for me.

[Richard]

Hi.
Congratulation! Beautiful essay!
I believe that you have used vocabulary with high degree of accuracy.
Fist of all, by buying a business (,) I will get the opportunity to meet new people and to gain a lot of experience because its development depends only on my skills.
This will learn (TEACH) me lessons and my next business can be more profitable. = Be careful about the usage of these two words: (learn & teach).
Consequently, buying a business is the better(is better,Better is a comparative form.) choice for me.

N.1 and 2 have shown your ability to use advanced grammatical structures.
1- As a result, I can say that buying a business will help me to grow up and to know how to get what I want.
2- In this way I will have the chance to buy not only a house but everything I need.

I wish you luck.
_________________
The limits of my language are the limits of my universe.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

[Instigator]

Thank you for reading my essay and of course for the nice words. :]