Believe or not something about essay in TOEFL®

[Pizza]

Hi

i had my first toefl in 30 this Aug and my second toefl is TODAY 26 Sep .
, the required independent essay is the same for the two exams .It is

Do you agree or disagree with this statement :
Governoment should pay more attention to heath care issues more than environmental issues .

In my first toefl , i get only 11 in the writing section .

Now I am very lucky and this is my essay ;

please correct my mistakes and how much can i scored ?



Although , health care is very important to develop the performance of citizens and advance their living levels , I disagree with this statement which is government should pay more attention to health care issues more than environmental ones .

.As we know the famous proverb '' clean environment leads to good health" Polluted water and air, factories inside cities and the damage of green nature will lead to serious problems. By protecting environment , government will save its time and financial efforts .There is a chemical factory which throws its material in a small river in my city .The citizens claim and ask government to stop this action but the government neglected them .After many years, people have serious problems then the government look after them in its hospitals and medicine .

Nevertheless, government should state strict polices and instructions to protect environment. Moreover, we should teach in schools our kids and people through out media how to protect and deal with this blessing .

[Aitorzl]

Hello "pizza"

I think you used a good vocabulary, but to be honest I find your essay too short for it to be considered a good one; specially, bearing in mind that you had done it before in your first exam... there is a lack of a good thesis and minithesis... I have no idea how much you can score... if you can, let us know when you get your score....

all the best....

Aitor

[Pizza]

Thank you for your replay .

i agree with you that my essay is short .
but i disagree with you about thesis

my thesis is in the introduction and it explains personal opinion as i have studied please , tell me why it is not a good one ?

about minithesis, i agree with you .ideas refuse to come to my mind .

what about grammatical mistakes?

[Mirela85]

I do think it is a rather short essay....I could try to make little correction since you asked me:)I will give my opinion how I would write this:)hope it could help you:)

Although, health care is very important to develop the performance of citizens and advance their life style, I disagree with statement that government should pay more attention to health care issues than environmental ones.

As we know the famous proverb '' clean environment leads to good health". Polluted water, air, factories inside cities and the damage of nature will lead to serious problems. Protecting environment, government will save its time and financial effort In the town that I live in there is a chemical factory, and it dropping its material in small city river. The citizens are claiming and asking government to stop this action but the government is neglecting their claims. After years, people have serious health problems and government is suppose to ensure a good health treatment.

To conclude, government should state strict polices and instructions to protect environment. Moreover, we should all raise our awareness about importance of the clean environment through the medias and education facilities.

There i would write like that maybe....but you should think what are other causes for choosing clean environment over the health care...
Maybe for example that clean environment is beneficial for all the citizens of the town. Health care is necessary in the moment we need one but clean environment is daily need for everyone...you should focus on the reasons what are the problems that the polluting is actually causing...maybe you will think of something to expand your essay:)

Hope I helped you a little.

[Mirela85]

Sorry I forgot the (.) between the sentences:Protecting environment, government will save its time and financial effort(.)In the town that I live in there is a chemical factory, and it dropping its material in small city river.

[Silky]

Hi Pizza

Thanks for sharing this current topic with us.
I do not understand, why you said believe it or not.
Anyways Your essay is little bit short. Correction has been already done by Mirela. I hope you will get good marks.
I am going to post essay on the same topic in my next post. Please have a look.