TOEFL® essay: Gender equality

[Carmen Laura]

Gender equality is the equality of gender,women and men that comes from a belief of injustice between the sexes. Commonly towards women.

I feel that inequality starts at home.When it comes to bring up their children, parents do it in a different way. They educate their boys to be stronger and more intelligent than girls.

And that is felt later when it comes to be an active part of society. Women are discriminated because they are considered to be weak and unable to contribuite in society with their ideas.

This discrimination has a long history. In times women were not allowed to vote because men thought that women were less intelligent and to emotional to make important decisions.

In some societies women are not allowed to go to school, since some people think that school will be useless to them, women don't need to learn how to count or read. What they do need is to learn how to take care of a family and be a good wife.
As far as I am concerned it is a human right to have an education.

In my view gender equality should start with education. Education should be for both boys and girl, and not give priority only to boys. This happens more in third world countries, especially in rural areas where there is a lack of schools. They send the boys to school and leave the girls home. But there are world organizations fighting to promote equality as a way of ending the worlds poverty.

please give me your comments
Carmen Laura
Mozambique

[Kitosdad]

Carmen, you are improving with each essay.

Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Carmen Laura]

thank you very much it really means a lot to me. And that makes more kin to keep on writing.

[Mohammad6807]

Hi carmen
your essay is good, but you have some minor mistakes such as
for both boy(s) and girl
in my view
there is a lack of schools
.
.
.
you should not start your sentence with AND.

[Carmen Laura]

thanks a lot for your comment i will make sure to correct it.

[Richard]

Hi Carmen Laura
Frankly speaking, your essay is admirable for one who just started to write. you'll be good after a while.
1-Your essay is short. 254 words is not acceptable, you should write at least 300 words in your essay.
2-You should write 4 or 5 paragraphs. But I couldn’t distinguish when your paragraphs were finished, when they were started.
3-In each paragraph you are supposed to describe another reason, example or personal story to support your belief.( or compare two choices and mention their advantages and disadvantages.)
4- Try to use appropriate adjective for nouns you use In order to make your sentence clear to understand.
5- Leave 1 space after each comma and point
6-injustice(noun)= a situation in which people are treated very unfairly and not given their rights
Injustice against women….(or which is usual/bad manner towards women)
injustice of- injustice against

[Carmen Laura]

thank you for the comment. Can you please give me examples of ways to start and finish a paragraph. You can use my paragraphs to demonstrate, so that i can have a clear picture of what you said. And also appropriate adjectives for nouns. I appreciate your contribution.
Carmen Laura
Mozambique