I need your help, I really do. for essay improvement.

[Svbla]

I already did my best for writing, but I still just got fair score.
I really have NO ANY IDEA what my problem is!! I always try to improve my essay, but the score just fair:2.5-3.5. I don't know how am I suppose to improve again. so, I need your help for that, please.

Here's a sample for TOEFL test: Government should pay more attention on health care issues than on environmental issues

Some people think that government should pay attention for health, some think that government should take care about environment. from my perspective, I think government should take care about environment. the reasons support my idea as follow:
First of all, it is obvious that the environment pollution has become a focus of society. The global warming has been warning us to dwindle pollution. For one thing: A news from CNN shows that the glacier has been melting for last 20 years, and the level of sea has been rising 3.5cm. If we do nothing for reduce the pollution for the place where we living, then we will losing home. For another, more and more animals are in severe danger, even extinct from the earth, which means we could never ever find them again if we were not stop preying. like human, animals are another significant part of environment. Here's an example from my hometown, which is economic developing, factories take huge area for warehouses, they cut the trees, turn the hills into bald. The river has been polluted by these factories. As a result, animals are leaving, fish are dying., no birds singing in the sky, everything was damaged, Therefore, we can't protect our homeland as much as we think without government's help.

Secondly, no doubt that the environment is best cyclopaedia for US to learn much more about our earth. All knowledge we learned from books, but, how could we study book without environment? All kinds of experts and college students are get into this huge nature textbook to study something that we still don't know. Or you could turn on TV to watch National Geographic to dig the interesting stuffs that you prefer. A poll from A High school shows that students prefer to choose get into environment themselves for learning. This is all because the environment is best textbook for us to learn, no matter what do you like to like, you will find amazing results from this nature book.

In conclusion, I’m totally convinced that our government should pay more attention for environment. such as dwindling the pollution for the earth, protect the animals, make sure they have place to survive. And stimulate people go to nature environment to enjoy and study these most beautiful things. People without home are like birds without wings, fish without water.

This is an essay for my last TOEFL, but the judge shows my problems as follow:
you may not provide enough specific support and development for your
main points; your ideas may be difficult to follow because of how you organize your essay
or because of the language you use to connect your ideas; and/or
grammatical mistakes or vague/incorrect uses of words may make the writing
difficult to understand.

I don't understand about it, and my comments are always like these. why they still think there are many problems ? If I can't find my pro, I can't get a good score for next test. so please, if you know something, tell me, please!
Thanks so much!!

[Kitosdad]

Good morning Svbla. I think your two greatest faults are; A lack of vocabulary, and poor sentence structure.

My best advice to you is to increase your vocabulary by reading more English text.

Even more importantly, read the essays composed by Yamilet here on this thread.
Notice the way she organises her topics, and recognise her manner of structuring her sentences.

Please follow my advice. Read her essays more than once. Give them some deep thought, and then start on re-writing your last essay.

Post it again and let's check it for improvement.

Good Luck, Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Svbla]

Yamilet? where is it???

[Richard]

Hi Svbla.
just you yourself read your essay one more time to figure out what your problem is.

major criteria for scoring an essay are organization and follow of Ideas. you are expected to have a topic sentence for each paragraph and support by some sentences which perfect the paragraph and even you have to give an example or personal story to support your certain Idea in the rest of it.
first plan (outline) what you are Gonna write in each paragraph...

I do believe that you even can write much more better essay with your vocabulary and words you know right now.
link sentences and paragraphs..

in addition to what all above-mentioned...
I agree with Kitos.
please take his advice.
Good luck.
_________________
The limits of my language are the limits of my universe.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

[Kitosdad]

Yamilet is a young housewife who has written many excellent essays in the thread.
Just look down the list of posted essays for her name. There are lots.

Check under the "Author" column.

Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Svbla]

[Svbla]

Virtually, I do need to improve my writing skill, but my score is not that horrible: 20 just so-so.
Yamilet's writing score is 22, not that much better than mine! Sure, I still need to learn something from her.

[Kitosdad]

Here's a sample for TOEFL test: Government should pay more attention on health care issues than on environmental issues.

Some people think that THE government should pay attention TO health, some think that THE government should take MORE care about THE environment.

(F)rom my perspective, I think THE government should take MORE care about environment.
(T)he FOLLOWING reasons support my idea :

First of all, it is obvious that ----- environmentAL pollution has become THE focus of society.
----- (G)lobal warming has been warning us to DECREASE pollution.

For one thing---- news from CNN shows that A glacier has been melting for THE last 20 years, and THAT the level of THE sea has been rising 3.5cm.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,?

If we do nothing TO reduce the pollution OF the place where we ARE living, then we will LOSE OUR homes.

For another, more and more animals are in severe danger, even (facing) extinct(ion) from the earth, which means we could never ever find them again if we DON'T stop (hunting).

(L)ike human(s), animals are another significant part of THE environment.

Here's an example from my hometown, which is developing economically.
(F)actories take huge area(s) for warehous(ing). (T)hey cut the trees, turn the hills into (barren wildernesses).

The river has been polluted by these factories. As a result, animals are leaving, fish are dying, no birds ARE singing in the sky, everything is damaged, (t)herefore, we can't protect our homeland as much as we think without THE government's help.

Secondly, no doubt that the environment is THE best encyclopaedia for US to learn much more about our earth.
All OF THE knowledge we HAVE, WE HAVE learned from books, but, how could we study A book without THE environment?

All kinds of experts and college students are (delving) into this huge nature textbook to study something that we still don't know.
Or you could turn on TV to watch National Geographic to (find) the interesting stuff that you prefer.

A poll from a high school shows that students prefer (to venture) into (the) environment themselves for learning. This is all because the environment is best textbook for us to learn (from), no matter what you like ----, you will find amazing results from this nature book.

In conclusion, I’m totally convinced that our government should pay more attention (to the) environment, such as (reducing) the pollution (from) the earth, protect(ing) the animals (by) mak(ing) sure (that) they have (a) place to survive (in), and (by encouraging) people (to) go (into the natural) environment to enjoy and study these most beautiful things.
People without home(s) are like birds without wings, fish without water.

What you see is what you didn't get. Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Svbla]

Kitos, are you a German??
1st: I love you, because you corrected my essay
2nd: you are a German,I love Germany in everything.
I don't know what to say, but I am appreciate.
If I have another ques about writing, I hope you don't mind to help me.
God bless you!!!

But,I think these are part of my main faults, if I just correct these pros only, maybe that won't be enough.
So, what are another mian mistake about it? I need to find out.

[Svbla]

Kitos, you already helped many people here!! Wow, that's awesome.
Thanks again. And I will need your help.

[Svbla]

Kitos, after you helping me to correct the essay, do the mistakes about the comments for the essay are still there? Or which parts are still need to be improved???

[Kitosdad]

I feel that you will get your required mark by presenting your essay in it's corrected form.

I am not German, I only live in Germany. I am English, but I'm not a teacher, I'm merely offering whatever help I can.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Svbla]

But you already helped many people here. They love you.
and I feel that you will help me again.

[Kitosdad]

Of course I will, be assured of that.

Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Topaze]

Hi, Svbla!

What score are you aiming for? And how's the situation with the other three sections?