TOEFL® essay: Whether people have more leisure time nowadays than in the past.

[Naiverock]

Topic: Whether people have more leisure time nowadays than in the past?
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It's really a controversial issue. Almost every human in this planet is now paying his/her close attention to the leisure time. Some are complaining with the decrease of leisure time and the drastic stress they are confronting, whilst some are bluffing their comfortable workspace and life quality. What on earth is the truth? In my opinion, most people are losing their leisure time and spend less in entertainment nowadays than before.

There is no deny that the rapidly development of technology and swift growth of working efficiency are far beyond that our ancestor could image. But in the same time, our total quantity of work or tasks has raised several times as before and so does the required working quality. As a result, most of workers and managers don't save any time, instead we put lots more stamina in our jobs. Furthermore, our children are much busier than several decades before. They are forced to revolve about homework, performances and tournaments with very little time left for amusement. And how can parents get rest when their children are working so hard? I think that's why the movies and songs relevant to work pressures and precious leisure are so popular among our generations.

Some people may enjoy their beautiful lives without worries about salary, education, hospital bills and anything else both in the presence and in the future. Let's ask ourselves, how many of this kind people are there in the world? There's a news published just a few days ago that one person out of ten is stun in starvation. Leisure is really not a common word in their vocabulary. 90% human in this days are still struggling for their lives or families, with only one wish to gain as much as possible to make life better.

What's more our rapidly developing technology has increased the scope of what we are capable to do, and also increased the desire of an affluent life, which is much more difficult to pursue. The more we try to purchase, the less leisure time left for us.

As a conclusion, I think the leisure time of most people in this era is losing if we don't do something to change it. We should pay more attention to the public welfare issues and increase more public facilities and constructions for all human's sake, especially we should focus on education so that we and our next generation will know more about the balance between hard work for desire and happy time of leisure.
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It will sure be a lot of fun here to make friends with you guys.

[Richard]

Hi Naiverock
I only skimmed your essay. In my opinion, that it was wonderful.
I will read it carefully for learning something new.

1-whilst=British English and formal= while
don't use British words in your essays if you plan to take TOEFL test.

2-Is this a paragraph?

[Naiverock]

Thank you for your corrections and suggestions, Richard_Jack.
You are right. My forth paragraph is out of evidence.
I shall put in more content to explain my opinion. Hope the revised version as below would be better.

What's more, the unprecedented desire is leading us to a vicious circle of more work and more cash. Our rapidly developing technology has increased the scope of what we are capable to do, and also increased the desire of an affluent life, which is much more difficult to pursue. The expansion speed of our desire and the price of daily demands is much bigger than the developing speed of innovation for productivity. The more we try to purchase, the more we have to work to afford bills, as a result the less leisure time left for us.
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It will sure be a lot of fun here to make friends with you guys.