Some people think that the government should pay attention to health care issues

[Kitosdad]

Topaze, I am not here to argue with anyone, and I'm sure that what you are saying is correct, but I think Svbla is going to have an headache for the next couple of days following your clinical dissemination of his essay.
Never mind, he got what he asked for. Well done.

Kitos.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Svbla]

Kitos, I do confused about what Topaze said. If he does have some ideas about the essay, I wish he could states them all.
As you know, all I wanna is make sure that I am fix all comments from test of TEOFL, and have a good score next time for writing section.
I can't spend too much time about this essay's comments.

[Svbla]

* - you repeat the word “government” and the phrase “take more care about” twice in one paragraph. You might simply say something like “I favor the second option”.
** - is the alliteration intended here? :) This is not an error, of course.
*** - why not just “CNN reports that”?
**** - just sea. The word “level” is not necessary here.
***** - either from the earth or from the map.
****** - you used the word “another” twice in one sentence. You might want to avoid such repetitions.
******* - sorry, don’t follow. There are already places where one can find live animals, and they’re called zoological gardens. Even if some endangered species were to disappear in the wild, we would probably find them in zoos, not in museums.
******** - a hill is simply a natural elevation. It can be a part of a barren wilderness even without any environmental pollution.
********* - you wrote “as much as we think” here. What did you mean?
********** - there’s something dubious about this choice of words, although it’s just a subjective opinion.
*********** going into the natural environment may be grammatically correct, but it still sounds odd to me. Why not “get out into”?
************ - what most beautiful things?

Thanks a lot. I am appreciate.
I will consider to take. So, do you think this essay can be better than a fiar score?
Last time, my independence writing just 2.5---3.5, do you think this essay better???

[Topaze]

You are most welcome.

As for the other corrections, I simply put them in brackets to avoid excessive and unnecessary remarks. From what I understand, it’s a common practice on this forum. Anyway, you just have to compare your original text with the corrected one. For example:

Original: “This is all because the environment is best textbook for us to learn…”
Proofread: “This is all because the environment is (the) best textbook for us to learn…”
This means that I suggest using the definite article here.

Or, for instance:
Original: The worse part is this rising is still moving on.
Proofread: The worse part is (that it continues to rise).
This means that I suggest rephrasing your sentence.

If you see (), this means that I’ve deleted a phrase, a word or a punctuation sign here.

As for your score, this essay of yours is certainly better. The only problem is that it has been rewritten at least two times. Like I said, the structure seems OK. If you pay a little more attention to the clarity of your ideas, you score should increase somewhat (by 0.5 or so, I think). If you can manage to improve your grammar and spelling, it should increase drastically. This is, of course, just my opinion, since I cannot speak for ETS.

[Svbla]

[Kitosdad]

. OOoppsss, sorry.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Svbla]

Kitos, you are very nice man. Thank you.

[Bruce__Lee]

@ svbla: I think that your essay is too long (490 words) for a TOEFL IBT test because you have only 30 minutes to write ...

[Svbla]