Some people think that the government should pay attention to health care issues

[Svbla]

Essay after correction:

Some people think that the government should pay attention to health care issues, some think that the government should take more care about the environment. From my perspective, I think the government should take more care about environment. The following reasons support my idea :

First of all, it is obvious that the environmental pollution has become the focus of society. Global warming has been warning us to decrease the amount of emissions.
For one thing, a news from CNN shows that polar glacier has been melting for the last 20 years, and that the level of the sea has been rising 3.5cm. The worse part is this rising is still moving on. That means there are huge areas will be covered by sea level. If we do nothing to reduce the pollution of the place where we are living, then these areas will disappeared from the earth map and we will lose our homes.

For another, like humans, animals are another significant part of the environment. More and more animals are in severe danger, even facing extinction from the earth, which means we could never ever find them again if we don't stop hunting. Otherwise, only we can do is go to museums to visit animals samples, not fossils.
Here's an example from my hometown, which is developing economically.
Factories take huge areas for warehousing. They cut the trees, turn the hills into barren wildernesses. The river has been polluted by these factories. As a result, animals are leaving, fish are dying, no birds are singing in the sky, everything is damaged, therefore, we can't protect our homeland as much as we think without the policies of government.

Secondly, there is no doubt that the environment is the best encyclopedia for us to learn much more about our earth. All of the knowledge we have, we have learned from books, but, how could we study a book without the environment? All kinds of experts and college students are delving into this huge nature textbook to study something that we still don't know. Or you could turn on TV to watch National Geographic to seek the interesting stuff that you prefer.
A poll from a high school shows that students prefer to venture into the environment themselves for learning. This is all because the environment is best textbook for us to learn, no matter what you like, you will find amazing results from this nature book.

In conclusion, I’m totally convinced that the environment issue is much more important than health issue now, and our government should pay more attention to the environment, such as reducing the pollution and emissions from the earth, protecting the animals by making sure that they have a place to survive in, and by encouraging people to go into the natural environment to enjoy and study these most beautiful things.
Environment just like home for us. Therefore, people without homes are like birds without wings, fish without water.

This is the essay after correction, I just wanna know which part that I have to improve again?
Does is still has problems as following?:

1.you may not provide enough specific support and development for your main points;
2.your ideas may be difficult to follow because of how you organize your essay or because of the language you use to connect your ideas; and/or
3.grammatical mistakes or vague/incorrect uses of words may make the writing difficult to understand.

I think the 2nd problem maybe gone. My idea is clear, if you still think my ideas are hard to follow, then I am dying.
1st problem-----I have some details and info to support my points, I guess. Is that enough? more?
3rd: does it has grammatical mistakes now???

Show me, please. thank!

[Kitosdad]

Svbla. the second and third problems are practically gone now.

As to the first, I don't know what else you feel you need add. Sounds OK to me.

Is the word count sufficient?

The greatest load is imposed when the examiners start to point out your errors. Once started, they seem to be incapable of stopping. Nothing in your essay is as bad as they make out, unless your wish is to be an English college professor.

Keep at it, but take some time to have a little fun.

Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Svbla]

Thanks.
Yeah, ETS does require the essay has to be 300 words, so I think the length is sufficient.
The 1st pro I don't get it. why TES people think my details are not enough? If I provide more details than I did, then I think it will be a data!
I wish 2nd and 3rd are really ok for ETS people.

[Svbla]

The red part is from TOEFL test, it's my test comments. ETS people think those are my big problems, so I have to fix them. That's why I need poeple to help me.

[Richard]

Who correct it?
I believe that it needs to be revised.

[Topaze]

Svbla,

Realize that these comments are fairly generic and depend only on your final score. They are not tailored to reflect your individual strong and weak points, so I wouldn't attach too much importance to them.

Also, with all due respect for Kitosdad, I wouldn't say that the third problem is gone. Actually, not so, but far otherwise. I can elaborate, if you wish, but your errors are pretty much evident. Do pay attention to spelling and grammar. As for the structure and development, they are more or less adequate.

[Richard]

Thanks a bunch Topaze
I really need help, how much it's gonna cost me if you elaborate mine?
are you an English teacher? If yes, be a bit more humble, if not, learn from us.

Kitosdad is an English man with over 3500 posted essay, story and poem, he is a native speaker of English, he just don't want to make someone feel disappointed.
Don't forgive the sophisticated people advice.
all these comments are respectable and helpful that's why we are here.
you are a new member here. just take a look at your posted writing...
I'd be glad to If you can help me or someone else...but you can? If yes, do it.
but don't rewrite an essay..revise it...just elaborate it..you will find out how difficult it is. Make a few correction is much more difficult and time-taking that writing one.
_________________
The limits of my language are the limits of my universe.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

[Richard]

[Topaze]

Richard Jack.c,

I'm not sure what you imply by "how much it's gonna cost me" because I'm certainly not offering any paid services here - perish the thought.

I'm not an English teacher; however, I no longer need to prepare for the TOEFL test, since I've passed it. I also have an utmost respect for Kitosdad or, for that matter, anyone who spends much of their free time helping English language learners out of the kindness of their heart.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by "forgiving sophisticated people advice" either, and although I acknowledge that their comments may very well be respectable and helpful, I fail to see any connection.

As for Svbla's essay, I didn't point to the remaining errors for the reason mentioned in my post - they're pretty much evident and can easily be detected by careful proofreading. You have already spotted some of them, by the way. Should Svbla still want me to list them, I will gladly do so.

...............

Wait a minute! I believe I see the problem. You probably thought that I meant the comments Kitosdad and you had made, didn't you? If that's so, it's a simple misunderstanding. I was actually referring to the generic comments provided by ETS.

[Richard]

Hi Topaze

[Svbla]

[Svbla]

[Kitosdad]

Good morning Richard and Topaze, and of course Svbla.

Where to start?.................. Please, don't let this turn into a barbed discussion.

My position here is that of an helper. I am not a teacher and have never claimed to be.

Richard does his utmost to help, and he does. His approach to the pupil is different to mine, and far different to Topazes.

My primary intention is not to point out every single fault in the posters essay, rather to encourage and bolster their confidence in their abilities.
In the past when I have criticised an essay, I've found that this has had a very detrimental effect on the writer, and it takes time to encourage them to write again.

Richard's input is remarkable for a non-native speaker, whilst in the case of Topaze, I would guess you live in an English speaking environment. Your profile suggests nothing, therefore this is only a guess.

We must never lose sight that the vast majority of the pupils come from a non-native background, and the transition to English speaking Forums must be an hurdle that most find difficult to clear.

Please try to be a little more tolerant and caring in your manner of correction. We are being helpful, not dictatorial.

I feel that Svbla came here a little late in his/her preparation for the test and is now panicking. I do realise that this test is a very important step for them and should not be viewed lightly, but unfortunately he/she found this site too late in his/her preparation.

I do wish him/her well and will continue to support wherever I can.

Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Topaze]

Svbla,

[Topaze]

Kitosdad, thank you very much for you comment.

I completely respect your opinion. However, I believe that a person who wants to have their TOEFL essays corrected expects an objective evaluation (or at least an effort to make one), possibly supported by a complete or nearly complete list of mistakes. I think that most language errors are not particularly hard to eliminate, even within a short period of time, if learners are aware of them. Lack of awareness, on the other hand, not only prevents people from avoiding mistakes in the future, but also ingrains all unnoticed errors. I also believe that such mistakes do matter and that people who plan on taking the TOEFL test may want to keep that in mind. ETS raters may not be as finicky as their French counterparts when it comes to grammar and style, but I think that every test taker who makes numerous spelling and grammar mistakes in their essays should at least be told that this can and, in all probability, will affect their score – severely, in some cases. The rest is everyone's personal choice, of course, but I think that all test takers are entitled to that information.