TOEFL® essay: looking for better settlement

[Superboy0802]

I am trying improve my writing skill. Please comment the essay for me. Thank a lot.

Topic: Some people spend their entire lives in one place. Others move a number of times throughout their lives, looking for a better job, house, community, or even climate. Which do you prefer: staying in one place or moving in search of another place? Use reasons and specific examples to support your opinion.

Essay
The places for living have the important roles in our lives. Some people move a number of times throughout their lives, looking for a better job, house, community, or even climate while other spend their entire lives in one place. About me, I prefer staying in one place for three following reasons.

For the first reason, I do not want to leave my relatives such as my friends and my parents. I have had many beautiful memories with my friends more than seventy years. We have held many parties together every month, gone picnic together in fine days. So, I cannot stand if I did not meet these friends more than three months. Furthermore, I want to take care of my parent. They are more than sixty year olds, needing my attendance.

Second, I am afraid of encountering suddenly risks when I moved to and living in new places. For example, I may meet many bad persons. They will cheat me to get all my money. Beside that, it would be terrible if I suddenly got sick. Nobody took care of me as well as preparing meat and medicine for me. So, it is better to enjoy safe feeling in a stable place.

Finally, I prefer a stable life because I am a shy person. Moving a number of times, looking for better places quickly made me exhausted. Furthermore, I am really satisfied with the stable life and job that I am possessing. Thus, I enjoy my currently life rather than tire myself with hoping for new life.

In summary, I prefer spending my entire life in one place because I want to live near my old friends and parent. For most important reasons, I am a shy person and not want to encounter sudden risks in a new life.

[Kitosdad]

[quote="Superboy0802"]I am trying improve my writing skill. Please comment the essay for me. Thank a lot.

Topic: Some people spend their entire lives in one place. Others move a number of times throughout their lives, looking for a better job, house, community, or even climate. Which do you prefer: staying in one place or moving in search of another place? Use reasons and specific examples to support your opinion.

Essay
The places (where we live play an) important role in our lives. Some people move a number of times throughout their lives, looking for a better job, house, community, or even climate, while other spend their entire lives in one place. (For myself), I prefer staying in one place for (the) three following reasons.

For the first reason, I do not want to leave my relatives, such as my friends and my parents.
I have had many beautiful memories with my friends (for) more than (seventeen) years. We have held many parties together every month, (and we also went picnicking) together (on) fine days. So, I (could not) stand (it) if I did not meet these friends (for) more than three months.
Furthermore, I want to take care of my parent(s).
They are more than sixty year olds, (and they need) my (assistance).

Second, I am afraid of encountering (suddenl) risks when I (move) to and (live) in new places.
For example, I may meet many bad (people).
They will cheat me to get all my money.
Beside that, it would be terrible if I suddenly got sick.
(I would have nobody to take) care of me, as well as preparing (my meals) and medicine for me. So, it is better to enjoy (a) safe feeling in a stable place.

Finally, I prefer a stable life because I am a shy person.
Moving a number of times, looking for better places quickly (makes) me exhausted. Furthermore, I am really satisfied with (my) stable life and job that I (have now).

Thus, (I prefer to) enjoy my current life rather than tire myself with hoping for (a) new life.

In summary, I prefer spending my entire life in one place because I want to live near my old friends and parent(s).
(More importantly), I am a shy person, and (I do)not want to encounter sudden risks in a new life.
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Not bad, but a way to go yet. Keep it up, you are doing fine.

Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.

[Superboy0802]

Thank kitos. I think that I will save much time for each of next essays if I write essays with one only structure. Is this writing style very boring ??

[Kitosdad]

NO, the interest lies in the manner that the writer presents the work. Clear and understandable, and interesting would be good too.

Kitos.
_________________
If you need me, I'm here.