Gertrud and Jim: Dumbass

[Cgk]

Gertrud and Jim: Dumbass

___"You're such a dumbass!" Gertrud yelled at her husband, holding a pink sweater up in the air as if it contained some hazardous material. "This sweater used to be white, Jim. White! Now look at it!"
___Jim leaned against the washing machine and gave the sweater a listless glance. "So, it was then," he said. "I guess we have a magic washer, eh?"
___Grunting, Gertrud dropped her arm and pressed hand and sweater against her hip. "Haha. Not only are you a dumbass, you're a joker, too!" She shook her head and sighed. "Ah, forget it. I can't even let you do the laundry."
___"You know," Jim said. "I don't like it when you stand half akimbo. And you know what else I don't like?"
___You don't care about my sweater, Gertrud thought, annoyed. Why should I care about what you like and what you don't? It's useless. There is no getting through to you. You're as dense as a concrete wall! She grabbed the laundry basket and placed it on top of the dryer, grumbling, "Not yet."
___"Your vulgar language," Jim explained. "You are much too pretty to talk like a miner."
___"Like a miner?" Gertrud said, astonished. Her husband had a real knack for camouflaging criticism with a compliment. It always made her think of a neatly wrapped birthday present with glittering hearts and a pretty red ribbon glued to a corner, but with a smelly dead rat inside. "When did I use a vulgar word?"
___Jim opened the dryer door and threw the wet clothes—one by one—into the spin tub. "You called me a dumbass a minute ago."
___"So?" Gertrud folded the sweater, opened the lid of the garbage can, and let the ruined garment fall on top of the trash.
___Jim laughed out loud. "Why, that was very German!"
___Gertrud blinked at him, wondering whether he was referring to the word "so" or something else.
___"You actually folded your sweater before you threw it away," Jim said. "It's garbage! Why would anyone fold garbage?"
___Gertrud blinked again. "I'm being practical, that's all. The garbage can would be full now had I stuffed the sweater in there without folding it first."
___"Ah, yes. Being practical." Jim nodded. "Good thing that I don't have to be practical. I'm a dumbass. I wouldn't know about practicality."
___"Oh," Gertrud blushed. It was becoming more and more obvious to her that she had upset Jim very much. "How is 'dumbass' a vulgar expression?" she asked.
___"Well, there is dumb," Jim explained, "and there is ass. Dumb ass. Calling someone dumb may not be nice, but it's the ass that makes it vulgar."
___Gertrud thought about what her husband had said. Then she snapped her fingers. "But the ass in dumbass isn't vulgar," she declared. "You see, in medieval England, ass meant donkey, not butt. Arse meant butt." She rolled the r in arse as English as she could. "So, dumbass means dumb donkey!"
___Jim rolled his eyes as well as his rs. "Are you starting with medieval England again?" he called out. "We're not living in the Middle Ages, honey, and we are not in England, either! Look outside the window. We are in America! Sure, Chicago ain't Kansas, but it's in the Midwest nonetheless!"
___"I just wanted to bring to mind that the word 'ass' hasn't always been vulgar," Gertrud said.
___"The ass in medieval England, yes." Jim closed the dryer, turned the knob until the arrow pointed to "hot", and pushed the start button. "But dumbass is an American expression, not a medieval English one."
___Gertrud shrugged. Jim had a point there, she had to admit, but she was not about to give in so easily. "Americans speak American English. Notice the 'English' in 'American English'? Most of its words have their roots in England where an ass used to be a donkey and an arse a butt."
___"Buttocks," Jim said. "In England, they say 'buttocks.'"
___"We're not in England, honey. We're in America."
___Jim smirked. "Sometimes you make me want to wring your neck." He put the laundry basket on the floor and pushed his butt—or buttocks, or ass, or arse, or whatever else people might call their behind—up onto the dryer to take a seat. "By the way, last week you said that in medieval England, dumb meant mute. Thus, my lady, dumbass would have meant mute donkey, not dumb donkey."
___Gertrud had to laugh. She walked up to her husband and slung her arms around his waist. "Oh, so now you want to get medieval on my ass."
___"You mean on your donkey."
___"No, I mean just what I said."
___Jim chuckled and hugged Gertrud back. "But you just said that in medieval England, ass meant donkey."
___"True, but unfortunately I don't have a donkey." Gertrud winked. "But I do have an ass."
___"Butt."
___"Buttocks."
___Jim snorted, pressed his lips together and raised his gaze to the ceiling.
___"So . . . there you go," Gertrud said. It was all she could do not to show her triumph. "Dumbass is not a vulgar word."
___Jim groaned.
___"Wouldn't you agree?"
___Her husband kept silent.
___"Jim?"
___Again, no answer.
___What's with him now? Did I upset him again? Gertrud thought. But then it dawned on her. "Oh, you're playing the mute donkey now, aren't you?"
___Jim grinned impishly and kissed Gertrud upon the forehead. "Mm-hm."

© Copyright 2009, Claudia Lingstädt-Kukulka
_________________
In the land of the ignorant, the biggest fool is king.

[Kitosdad]

Cgk, that was really funny. I congratulate you on your composition, and having heard your voice, on your diction.

You are a remarkable person. What more can I say?.

Kitos
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Alan]

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Hi Claudia,

I'll echo what Bill has said. I thought it was a delightful picture of domestic bickering.

Why not leave a recorded message and tell us what you enjoy about writing this kind of scene.

Alan
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English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Present Simple

[Nawar]

Hi,
Very funny, I really enjoyed reading it, thanks Claudia!

[Cgk]

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Hi,

thank you all for your kind words. :) I'm happy that you enjoyed the story.

As for Alan's question: Originally, I wanted to post a question here in this forum about the word dumbass, but then I decided to write a satire about it and post it instead. What do I enjoy about writing a scene of domestic bickering? Well, that's not so easily answered. I think that bickering is the salt in the soup called relationship. Once the bickering stops, the relationship ends, because the two people involved don't care about each other anymore, at least not enough to summon up the strength to get into an argument. They rather leave things unuttered and go about their own way. Why bother argue with someone you don't care about, right? I noticed that when couples separate and I ask them, "Why did you break up?" most of the time the answer is, "Well, we kind of grew apart." Funny that, considering that most people believe that the death of a relationship is arguing. Why do they believe that?

Imagine your life to be room, a little cozy room with four walls, a ceiling, a floor and a door, and you are a ball bouncing around in that room, bouncing against the floor, up to the ceiling, to the right wall, to the left, and then you decide to let another ball into your room because bouncing around all alone isn't all that fun anymore. So you open the door and you let another ball in. That ball, too, then bounces around in the little cozy room of yours, up to the ceiling, down on the ground, to the left wall, to the right. Remember, the room is small and cozy, and there are two balls bouncing around in there: you and your loved one. Well, you two are bound to clash together, aren't you? Of course you will learn how to bounce around without clashing so often anymore, because as time goes on, you'll find out how the other ball bounces and you'll be considerate of that. But you will still clash every once in a while, because that's just Physics . . . or should I say love? But if you don't clash anymore, then you have started to avoid each other, and that's when the door opens again and the other ball bounces out of your small cozy room.

Who wants to be avoided by one's sweetheart? I don't think anyone would answer this question with yes.

And you know . . . if you ever get into the unfortunate position of losing your sweetheart because of cancer, or a heart attack, or an aneurysm, or a car accident, or what have you, you are not only going to miss the good times. You'll miss the bad times, too.

And that's why I enjoy writing about domestic bickering.

Claudia
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In the land of the ignorant, the biggest fool is king.

[Alan]

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Hi Claudia,

Thank you very much for that. It was quite lovely and had a wonderful simplicity about it as well. It's good to have you online writing and speaking to such a high standard.

Best wishes,

Alan
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English as a Foreign Language
You can read my EFL story Progressive Forms

[Cgk]

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Thank you, Alan. I'm glad to be here.

Claudia
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In the land of the ignorant, the biggest fool is king.

[Amruta]

Hi Claudia,

I have read your little satire.Really good one and funny! I have also read your reply to Bill and Alan. I am impressed with your approach toward life, as you have explained that with example of bouncing balls in small cozy room. Nice description! And I think that is true. Mutual understanding is most important part of any relationship, besides that to enjoy it fully bantering and bickering is equally important.

Best wishes!

Amruta

[Hoadong]

Claudia,

Congratulations on your writing!
I wish I could write well as you do.

Have a nice day!
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Hoadong

[Cgk]

Hello Amruta and Hoado,

thank you so much for your comments!

Amruta, you said it very nicely. It seems to me that most couples dread arguments, even though arguing (if it doesn't become rampant) is a very healthy, natural thing.

Hoado, the more you read and write, the better you become. And no matter how good you become, there's always more to learn. :-)

Claudia
_________________
In the land of the ignorant, the biggest fool is king.