Feedback required on essay

[Raviashah]

Hi everyone, I am going to give IELTS exam and for preparation I have written on essay (writing task 2) but I am not sure that how much better I can score with this type of essay. Can you please read essay and advice me about what is required to improve. I would be also thankful of you if you can give me score out of 9 band. I am new over here so don't know whether asking help with this method is right or not. If you think this is not right method to ask help from people in forum please advice me the correct place where I can post this type of messages.

So finally here is question and answer.

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Question:

WRITING TASK 2

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of thefollowing topic:

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

You should write at least 250 words. Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

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Answer:

Music is now important part of our life. Today, we can’t imagine life or very hard to think life without music. The importance of it is so high that a new multi billion industry has evolved in recent years. As awareness about music and its influence in our life are now so heavy that it has also given birth to many controversies. One of them is which music is good, traditional or international. Apart from that many studies have also been conducted to understand its requirement in our life. So let’s explore all of these areas.

I think music adds color in our life. Classic songs always make my mood fresh. It also works as healing agent for me when I am in depression. Music drags my mind away from all of the tensions and gives full of peace and these all reasons make me believe strongly that music plays strong role with us.

I think traditional music and international music, both are important. I personally enjoy international music more than my country’s local music but I have also seen that conventional music is more popular than global music at my birth place. Traditional music is identity of culture or of one country. So, its obvious that it holds strong reason to protect its existence but at the same time world wide music is also necessary to provide better platform for all artists who have extra ordinary composition skills. Traditional music limits the appreciation they deserve to get from their own country only. But recognition of their skills on international level may give enough tribute for their efforts.

In the end, I would like to say that each music has its own advantages and disadvantages. It depends on the person and his or her own perspective. In addition to that I think that nowadays no one can ignore their part in our life and its equally important to all other aspects of life.

TOEFL listening discussions: What upsets the young man's mother?