TOEFL® essay: Some young adults want independence from their parents

[Jzmee]

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better?

In general, children always live with their parents. However, when they grow up as young adults, some of them want to be independent and leave their parents. In my view, it is better that young adults live with their families for a longer time.

Parents always love and care their children. They will be happier to have their children live with them. Living together also let parents know their children problems. Parents have passed more experience than their children so they can help their children solve those problems. From parents’ view, whether children grow up to be young adults or even adults, they are always just little children. In addition, the more children grow up, the older their parents become. It would be better that they stay with their parents and take care of them. Parents can feel happier and warmer to have their children around them, which results in their healthy minds and bodies. In my country, we always live with our parents. Even when we get married, we are all still live together within the same house. Parents always advise us on many difficulties we meet such as choosing a job, working with people and keeping relationships. They also always prepare delicate dinner for us as they know we will be so tired after work. On weekends, we may take them out or stay home with them to have a nice time together.

On the other hand, if young adults leave their families for their independence, they may face many problems. They have to find another place to live. They need to find more money to earn their living. This is quite hard for them as they are just young adults. They will not have much income. In addition, they can easily make some mistakes. Young adults who need independence tend to have high self-confidence. They appear to make a decision on their own without any advice from others, which sometimes is not a prudent decision.

Living together with a family benefits every family member. I strongly recommend everyone to live with their family as long as possible so they will have much more precious time together with their family.

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Please help give me some advice :)

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from an arts class (2)

[Kitosdad]

In general, children always WANT TO live with their parents. However, when they grow up INTO young adults, some of them want to be independent and TO leave their parents. In my view, it is better that young adults live with their families for a longer PERIOD.

Parents always love and care FOR their children. They will be happier to have their children live with them. Living together also GIVES parents THE OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW WHEN their children HAVE problems. Parents have more experience than their children, so they can help THEM TO solve those problems.

From A parents’ view, whether children grow up to be young adults, or even adults, they are always THEIR little children. In addition, the more children grow up, the older their parents become. It would be better that they stay with their parents and take care of them.
Parents can feel happier and SAFER to have their children around them, which results in their healthy minds and bodies. In my country, we always live with our parents. Even when we get married, we all still live together within the same house.
Parents advise us on THE many difficulties THAT we meet such as choosing a job, working with people and keeping relationships.
They always prepare delicate dinnerS for us, BECAUSE they know we will be so tired after work. On weekends, we may take them out, or stay home with them to have a nice time together.

On the other hand, if young adults leave their families for their independence, they may face many problems. They have to find another place to live. They need to find more money to AFFORD their living COSTS. This is quite DIFFICULT for them as they are just young adults. They will not have much income. In addition, they can easily make some mistakes. Young adults who need independence tend to have high self-confidence. They appear to BE ABLE TO make a decision on their own without any advice from others, which sometimes MAY not BE a prudent decision.

Living together with a family benefits every family member. I strongly recommend everyone to live with their family as long as possible, so THAT they CAN SPEND much more precious time together.

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You don't need advice. You are already good. You need to read more. I found this essay difficult to improve,( not really) because it was, in my opinion, exactly how an essay should be approached and written.

4.00/5.00 Damn, you nearly had 4.50 there, but not quite! :-))

Kitos.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Jzmee]

Thank again Kitos!!! This is not my first draft. When I read it again, I found that many sentences are diffucult to understand. Thank to your advice, I am now more careful in writing a sentence.

I wish I will get 5.00 one day :)))