It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in your neighbo

[Mixmixi]

Hey guys,
Please let me know my mistakes and help me improve myself for the TOEFL, please rate my essay and say your opinions.

Thanks.

It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in your neighborhood; do you support or oppose this plan? Why?

I’m supporting this idea because a new restaurant can provide new job opportunities in our neighborhood and it may also provide much faster services than the other restaurants around the neighborhood, Moreover it can make the whole neighborhood closer together by becoming to a social place for all of us.
First of all, building a new restaurant or a shop or any kinds of store which provide such services to people can make new job opportunities for those whom are looking for part time jobs like students. Like they can deliver the foods for the customers or they can be waiters or dish washers. For example few years ago we had a restaurant in our neighborhood which I was working at as a delivery man but unfortunately after seven months they broke and left the place so I lost my part time job.
The second advantage of building a new restaurant in our neighborhood is the acceleration in receiving food and services. For a very clear example, I don’t know why, but most of my family prefers the acceleration in receiving their food when they are starving instead of focusing on what they are eating.
The third reason is the social relationships that may create by building a new social place like a restaurant in the neighborhood, I mean in our neighborhood, for now most of the neighbors didn’t know each other, but by building such places we may see each other more and can find more friends.
Last but not least, people can save their time in order to go to a restaurant that is out of the neighborhood, so they can use their time for doing so many useful things such as reading books or studying their lessons or helping each other.
So according to my knowledge I think that building a new restaurant can be useful for our neighborhood by providing new job opportunities, saving people time in deliveries and making a more socialize neighborhood for all of us so I am going to support this plan.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why is the student talking to the advisor?
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Let's make a deal; I'll correct every single one of your grammatical mistakes AND YOU DO THE SAME FAVOUR FOR ME.

[Kitosdad]

It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in your neighbourhood; do you support or oppose this plan? Why?

I’m supporting this idea because a new restaurant can provide new job opportunities in our neighbourhood, and it may also provide much faster services than the other restaurants.
Moreover it can BRING the whole neighboUrhood closer together by becoming a social FOCAL POINT FOR us.

First of all, building a new restaurant, or a shop or any kind of store which provideS such services to people, can make new job opportunities for those whom are looking for part time jobs, like students.
They can deliver the READY-COOKED MEALS TO the customers HOMES, or they can be waiters or dish-washers.
For example, A few years ago we had a restaurant in our neighboUrhood WHERE I was working as a delivery man, but unfortunately after seven months they WENT broke and CLOSED the place, so I lost my part time job.

The second advantage IN building a new restaurant is the SPEED in receiving food and services. For a very clear example, I don’t know why, but most of my family prefer TO EAT their food QUICKLY when they are starving, instead of focusing on what they are eating.

The third reason ARE the social relationships that may BE createD by building a new social place like a restaurant OR FAST-FOOD OUTLET.

FOR EXAMPLE, in our neighboUrhood most of the neighboUrs DON'T REALLY know each other, but by building such places we may see each other more OFTEN, and can find more friends.

Last but not least, people can save their time BY ORDERING LOCALLY INSTEAD OF TRAVELLING TO EAT A MEAL, so now they can use their time BY doing so many useful things, such as reading books, or studying their lessons or helping each other.

So according to my knowledge I think that building a new restaurant can be useful for our neighboUrhood by providing new job opportunities, saving peopleS time in delivering, and making a more sociable neighboUrhood for us all, so I am going to support this plan.
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Not bad Mix, but too much repetition of "NEIGHBOURHOOD" spoiled it.

Kitos.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Mixmixi]

thanks man, I really admire you, I will try my best on my next :-)
_________________
Let's make a deal; I'll correct every single one of your grammatical mistakes AND YOU DO THE SAME FAVOUR FOR ME.