There are to many injuries in professional Hockey...

[MillerTime2]

Hi their! I am in need of some help, I have a huge english lpi to write next weekend and I did it once before but missed the mark I needed by 1 essay level value. I am not to sure where I went wrong and need a bit of the pointer in the right direction, so I wrote up a short sample essay and I hope someone could help give me some tips in which direction I should be studying and where my weak spots are. My studying usually involves of writting a quick short sample essay, studying different puncuation problems, and then reading a bit and writting what I read about. Thank you in advance for all of your help.

There are to many injuries in professional hockey. Something needs to be done to make hockey a safer game. Agree or disagree. If you believe something needs to be done, what would you suggest? If you believe nothing should be done, explain your position and your reasons for it.

Hockey is such a physical game and I believe injuries are a necessity. As canadians, hockey is more of a national symbol than even our beaver. This is the game that makes or breaks our country, we whimper at its woes, and come together to celebrate the victory's.

For those who have never seen a game of hockey, it's easy to sum up as "No pain no gain" for the players out on the battlefield of the ice rink. The evidence about their many injuries is small, their really isn't any huge amounts of injuries to talk of and very rarely are they career ending. It is realistic and inevitable that any professional player in any high calibre sport must succumb to a game ending fate once in awhile such as that of a injury. It might be tragic, such as the Bertuzzi incident; where the one eyed bull comes charging out of nowhere on its skates hell bent on destruction and gives you a lickin'. Once again this all comes with a price, the unspoken rule of hockey, and its a take one for the team attitude to who gets hit.

The believers in to many injuries and fights in hockey are few and far between. I think the real heart and excitement in hockey are due to all of these. For the team who has a player out from an injury it gives them motivation and the heart to go out their and do their best. The people who think hockey needs to be "dubbed down" or made safer seem to miss the bigger picture and the point I am trying to make. The players love this game and are out their to win at all cost. For fans it makes it exciting and gritty. So next time I go to a hockey rink, I hope to have my beaver hat on, a beer in one hand, my fist raised in the other, cheering my team on to victory, and hugging my neighbour on defeat. This is the canadian tradition.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation in a campus cafeteria

[Kitosdad]

Hockey is such a physical game and I believe injuries are /a necessity/AN UNAVOIDABLE CONSEQUENCE OF PLAYING IT/.

As Canadians, hockey is more of a national symbol than even our beaver. This is the game that makes or breaks our country(.)
We whimper at its woes, and come together to celebrate the victory's/VICTORIES.
(This is an inspiring sentence, and worth an extra point for its inclusion.)

For those who have never seen a game of hockey, it's easy to sum up as "No pain no gain" for the players out on the battlefield of the ice rink.
The evidence /about/REGARDING/ their many injuries is small(.) their THERE really isn't any huge amount of injuries to talk of(,) and very rarely are they career ending.
It is realistic and inevitable that any professional player in any high calibre sport must succumb to a game-ending fate once in awhile(,) such as that of aN injury.
It might be A tragic ONE, such as the Bertuzzi incident; where the one eyed bull comes charging out of nowhere on its skates(,) hell bent on destruction and gives you a lickin'.
Once again this all comes with a price, the unspoken rule of hockey, and IT IS a takeTRAGEDY one for the team. attitude to who gets hit.

The believers in THE "toO many injuries and fights" in hockey are few and far between. I think the real heart and excitement in hockey /are/IS/ due to all of these.
For the team who has a player out from an injury(,) it gives them motivation and the heart to go out their THERE and do their best.
The people who think hockey needs to be "dubbed down" or made safer seem to miss the bigger picture and the point I am trying to make.

The players love this game and are out /their/THERE to win at all costS.
For fans it makes it exciting and gritty(,) so THE next time I go to a hockey rink I hope to have my beaver hat on, a beer in one hand, AND my fist raised in the other, cheering my team on to victory, and hugging my neighbour on defeat.

This is the Canadian tradition.
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What a good essay MT, and your love of the game comes through in your writing.
Your greatest confusion appears to be your failing to recognise the use of their/there.

Their is possessive. It is theirs.
There is location. A location. A place .

Otherwise you wrote an interesting essay that was written in an informal manner, that I found to be both heart-warming and rousing, even for someone who doesn't know the first thing about ice-hockey, but is well versed in human emotions.

Kitos.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.