IELTS essay: the talking part by both young genders in six different kinds of...

[Samiralbayati]

hi every body please teacher i want your help and please assess my essay in range from (1 to 9) score



The chart shows the talking part by both young genders in six different kinds of sports activities in UK in 1999

In the beginning it is clear that boys are more practised tennis,cycling,riding bike and football by scored 24%,48% and 67% respectively.whereas girls are attracted by walking,roller blading and swimming at 23%,28% and 53% in same order

On the other hand football is the the most attractive sort for boys who reached 67% which is the highest point ,obviously there is an immense superiority for boys in football.

Equally all these kinds of sports are too close up in participation between boys and girls except or exclude football it is approximately 3 times practised more by boys than girls.

To sum up ,i conclude that there is sight differences between both girls and boys in exercising these sports exclude one sport which is football so i figure out that girls dont have a clear tendency in the last sport while boys trend to play it with complete satisfying in its benefits to their bodies .


TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the young man have grapes for lunch?

[Kitosdad]

You MUST stop using (i). It will affect your already poor scores. You barely covered the minimum word requirement and your content was poor. 4.5/9 You have a very long way to travel.

Kitos.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Samiralbayati]

thank u teacher too much ,but please can u explain more my weakness point and please i want from u to assess it as an academic IELTS exam i mean from 1 to 9 not as u did 510

[Kitosdad]

I suggest that you spend some time reading essays here which have been posted by other students. Your shortcoming should become fairly obvious.

Please stop using "u" and "i". and SMS-speak. It is not appreciated in this Forum.

Thanks, Kitos.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Samiralbayati]

good morning sir how are you thank you for revising my essay,but i read other essay who students here wrote them i see their are a bit close in mistakes to my essay absolutley there is a defference between these mistakes like what are the mistakes in which skill (grammar or punctuation or simple vocabulary or organization and structure)

Really till this moment i do not understand my weekness point where is, i think i used agood range of vocabulary so why you assess it only 510

please explain what is the reason in getting these poor scores

[Mixmixi]

Hi Sam and Kitos.
I am sorry that I am answering to Sam instead of you. Dear Sam, your essay is too short, your sentence structure is not well and you have dictation errors on your writing. All and all, your score is such low, but don't be despair my friend, you are here to improve and we are here to help you. :-) Let's criticize some of your sentences.

The chart shows the talking part by both young genders in six different kinds of sports activities in UK in 1999
The chart shows/depicts/displays/indicates the percentage of the participation of young genders in six different kinds of sport activities in UK at 1999.

In the beginning it is clear that boys are more practised tennis,cycling,riding bike and football by scored 24%,48% and 67% respectively
To start with/For one thing(,) it can be inferred that the boys are more interested in practicing tennis, cycling, bike riding and football by percentage of 24%, 48% and 67% respectively(.)

Hope it helps you my friend.

Mixmixi
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Let's make a deal; I'll correct every single one of your grammatical mistakes AND YOU DO THE SAME FAVOUR FOR ME.

[Samiralbayati]

thank you Mr Mixmixi for your help and your advices by encouraging me to continue without stopping.

after correcting my essay what did you conclude where is my weekness point in grammar or in vocabulary or in organization what is the cause of this poor score.

Also what should i do to imporve writing skill,because i must score 6.5 band in IELTS exam for that what is your advice to enhance my writing in a short period,my IELTS exam next month.

[Mixmixi]

Hi Sam,
You have really a hard job to accomplish in such little time you have. In my opinion, you need a mixture of all the factors you mentioned above, and that's not an unreachable thing. You just need to practice by reading and listening. As Kitos always told me, try to read newspapers! That's my strategy for improving and I can assure you that it will help you too. :-)

Mixmixi
_________________
Let's make a deal; I'll correct every single one of your grammatical mistakes AND YOU DO THE SAME FAVOUR FOR ME.