GRE® essay: Too much time, money, and energy are spent developing new and more...

[Nazeedzia]

Hi,
i actually dont know who is the teacher or the moderator for GRE, But i humbly request to that person to please evaluate my essay so i come to know where i am standing and how much practice do i need.
your efforts are appreciated, thanks in advance

“Too much time, money, and energy are spent developing new and more elaborate technology. Society should instead focus on maximizing the use of existing technology for the immediate benefit of its citizens.”

Outlines:
I- I don’t agree with the given statement. The development in technology in every field of the world is required for today life. And it can lead to an improved society. Time, money, and energy are needed to spend specially for technologies, which are beneficial for daily life instead of spending them on luxuries.
II- Living in this world, People suffer many diseases. Still we are unable to find cures for Aids, Cancer, and Hepatitis. There is a need for research, development and deployment so as maximizing safer lives. Chemical technology could use the benefits of advanced instrumentation in developing newer drugs and chemicals.
III- In the area of environmental technology, there is an urgent need for a green world. This requires the development of renewable sources of energy as well as, improved methods to overcome the negative effects of waste and pollution.
IV- Improved technology of electronics has solved our major problems of communication in vast areas. Either, it is a matter of information or a need for education, more reliable and easiest ways are available for everybody. Computers and related technology like online schools have made education more accessible. We now have the convenience of going to school and working at the same time.
V- Moreover, new and more elaborate technologies always need more scientists for research and more money for development. Insufficient knowledge and underdeveloped technologies will leave us far behind from success. We can easily overcome all the troubles we face and make our technology faster, cheaper and effective just by spending our time for getting more knowledge, Government funds for research and efficient cost effective energy sources.

Essay:
Society should focus on maximizing the use of existing technology will leave most of its problems unsolved so I don’t agree with the statement given. My opinion is to focus on getting advanced and painstaking research for technology. In today’s world, technological developments lead people to faster and more efficient as well as more knowledgeable world. Present, people are suffering so many unbeatable diseases which let their lives to death. No appropriate medication is available for diminishing that specific disease. There is a need of environmentally improved world with reduced percentage of dangerous gas like CO2. Today’s World is an electronics world, as the better way of communication and quick information based on it. Educational systems are getting better and convenient with the use of new and advanced computers.
First of all, our society needs more and advanced research to get quick and data efficient results to know that one suffer in which disease. Now a days, we are unable to detect AIDS, Cancer and Hepatitis at the very first stage, so that elaborate measures should be conducted to overcome these. We need more advanced instruments for their detection. After getting to know the disease type, there is a need of most effective medication to cure that disease. Today most of the medicines leave their side effects while treating the one.

Environmental technology needs more attention to provide people safer and clean world. Nuclear sources are used to produce energy about 60%. As a result radioactive materials residue left behind is unsafe for people working in that field because they are carcinogenic. Solar energy system as well as the hydrolic system only needs sunlight and water and are a lot cheaper than nuclear one. But this requires more advanced research to overcome the consumption of energy and minimize the negative effects of waste and pollution.

Improved technology of electronics has solved our major problems of communication in vast areas. Like Cell phones, that has reduced the distances for communication not only in political sector to interact the world as well as for a single person to be in touch with their loved ones. Furthermore, Computer technology has improved the communication in the form of emails. It has also made education accessible and convenient for everybody while doing job. Search engines like yahoo, Google and many more are easily available 24hrs and free of cost. Television sector has also covered lots of information from the world to inform people while staying at home.
Moreover, new and more elaborate technologies always need more scientists for research and more money for development. Insufficient knowledge and underdeveloped technologies will leave us far behind from success. We can easily overcome all the troubles we face and make our technology faster, cheaper and effective just by spending our time for getting more knowledge, Government funds for research and efficient cost effective energy sources.

[Vietanhpham_Winter]

You need to learn and practise more. I can find your mistakes everywhere in the passage from a to z. However, still believe in yourself that success will certainly come someday.
_________________
Nothing's impossible! Never say never! They're what I've been following. Hope you to follow them too!

[J3ess]

I'm not involved with the GRE at all, but I would suggest that you take more time to learn the nuances of English before you attempt the GREs. You're ideas are good, but your sentences aren't really up to GRE standards. Go back and work on basic grammar and sentence structure. But you're on the right track!!

[Nazeedzia]

Hi,
can any body rate this essay from 0-6, which number fit for it.
I humbly request Alan, Torsten or anyother teacher who can check this essay and let me know the mistakes.
thanx