Experts, please help me check this essay.

[Jed]

Topic: Modern technology has made it possible for people to view exhibitions at home so museums and art galleries will disappear soon. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

After we enter into new millennium, people's lives have got startling change in many ways ranging from way of intercommunication to manner of work. Undeniably, high technology puts an great influnce on it. As a matter of fact, peopel today,does not need to go to museums and art galleries to pay a visit, instead, they can do it at home via Internet. In the following paragraph, I will analyse this phenomenon.

Modern technology has been accepted by many more people when they view exhibitions. Many years ago, some people could already watch the live exhibitions on television at home. With the high technology developing, it is common for people to search out and visit live or past vedios that they are interested in. And some museums have afforded people online Internet websites publicising the exhibition on show. People can spare the trouble of transfering long distance from home to museum. Furthermore, an increasing number of people are getting into this way due to less time-consuming, comfort, and effectivity. It seems that conventional exhibitions on museums are not necessary any more.
But on the other hand, there is no denying that visits in museum have many advantages that new technology cannot replace. Firstly, especially for those parents, showing their kids around museums and art galleries are helpful to teach their kids in a more vivid way. Their kids can see the statues and models, listen to the professional comments on the spot and even touch the real items with their hands. Needless to say, all of these can help children learn the knowledge more effectively. Secondly, it is a better way to enchance the relationship between parents and their kids. The kids will feel happy if their parents stay with them in whole day and they can experience their parents' love for them. Thirdly, in some art galleries, for example, some oil paints, some photograph and video are not completely vivid for those people who seek for esthetic arts.

To sum up, although new technology plays an important role in our daily live, it cannot replace the traditional museums and art galleries because of many disadvantages. We should keep them coexistent for the sake of our kids and lives.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture by a professor of Fine Arts

[Kitosdad]

Jed, although your opinions are sound your ability to convey them is not.
You need to do more reading, and to review your essays before you submit them.
Your structuring of sentences needs some attention too. You have made a good attempt, but you have further to go yet.

Please continue to post your essays,. You are always welcome.

Kitos. 6/10
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Jed]

Modified:

We have entered new millennium for more than ten years, and our lives have changed a lot in many ways, including intercommunication, public transportation, and work environment .etc. Undeniably, the high technology has a great influence on them. As a result, people today, do not need to go to museums and art galleries in order to take part in an exhibition, instead, they can view it at home via Internet. Therefore, some people worry that museums and art galleries will disappear some day. In the following paragraph, I will analyze this phenomenon.

On the one hand, those people who are concerned about the being obsolete museums and art galleries have their own reasons. First, people nowadays are getting used to viewing exhibitions on Internet at home because they think it is more convenient and comfortable. They are spared the trouble of driving far away from their home or taking subway, bus to get to the destination. Consequently, the government begins to shrink the budget on construction and maintenance of some museums and art galleries. Second, people don’t have more time spent on visiting exhibitions due to increasing pressure from life and work. Therefore, they would prefer stay at home visiting exhibition rather than to go to museums and art galleries.

But on the other hand, there is no denying that paying a visit in museum has many advantages over new technology. Firstly, especially for those parents, showing their kids around museums and art galleries are helpful to teach their kids in a vivid way. Specifically, their kids can see the statues and models, listen to the professional comments on the spot and even touch the real items with their hands, which are really helpful to broaden their kids’ views and can help children learn the knowledge more effectively. Secondly, it is a better way to enhance the family bonding by visiting exhibitions in museum together. The kids will feel happy if their parents spend whole day staying with them and they can feel how their parents care for them. Thirdly, art galleries and museums are the best places where those arts can exhibit their oil painting, photograph works to the public, which is beneficial to improve the development of culture. It could be hard for us to imagine if there were no museums and art galleries.

To sum up, although new technology plays an important role in our daily live, it cannot replace the traditional museums and art galleries because of many reasons above. We can apply the new high-technology to our traditional museums and art galleries however we should realize the importance of conserving them.

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Hi Kitos, I am really appreicated about what you told me. I was meant to review it before sending out, but I rushed to get to bed last night. :) As usual, thanks for your great help.
Best regards
Jed

[Kitosdad]

Modified:

We have /entered/BEEN LIVING IN/ A new millennium for more than ten years, and our lives have BEEN changed /a lot in/IN A GREAT/ many ways, including intercommunication, public transportation, and work environment .etc.

Undeniably, the high technology has /HAD/MADE/a great influence on them.
As a result, people today do not need to go to museums /and/OR art galleries in order to /take part in/VIEW/ an exhibition.
Instead, they can view THEM at home via THE Internet. /Therefore,/BECAUSE OF PEOPLE'S ATTITUDES/ some people worry that museums and art galleries will disappear some day. In the following paragraph, I will analyse this phenomenon.

On the one hand, those people who are concerned about theRE being obsolete museums and art galleries have /their own/VARIOUS/ reasons.

First, people nowadays are getting used to viewing exhibitions on THE Internet at home, because they think it is more convenient and comfortable.
They are spared the trouble of driving /far away/LONG DISTANCES/ from their homeS or /taking/THEIR HAVING TO TAKE THE/ subway OR bus to get to theIR destination. Consequently, the government begins HAVE BEGAN/HAVE BEEN ABLE/to shrink the budget on construction and maintenance of some museums and art galleries.

Second, people don’t have more /ENOUGH FREE/SPARE/time TO spenD on visiting exhibitions due to THE increasing pressureS /from/OF/ life and work.
Therefore, they would /prefer TO stay/PREFER STAYING/ at home TO visiting exhibitionS. rather than to go to museums and art galleries.

But on the other hand, there is no denying that paying a visit /in/TO A/ museum has many advantages over THIS new technology.

Firstly, especially for those Parents showing their CHILDREN around museums and art galleries are helpING to teach their CHILDREN in a vivid /way/MANNER/. Specifically, their CHILDREN can see the statues and models, listen to the professional comments on the spot, and even touch the real items with their hands.
which are THIS IS really helpful /to/IN/ broadenING their CHILDREN'S views and can help THEIR children learn the knowledge FAR more effectively.

Secondly, Visiting exhibitions in A museum together is a FAR better way /to/OF/ enhancING the family bonding.
The CHILDREN will feel happy if their parents spend THE whole day staying with them and they can /feel/APPRECIATE/ how their parents care for them.

Thirdly, art galleries and museums are the best places where KNOWN artIsTS can exhibit their oil paintingS AND photographIC works /to/BEFORE/ the public.

THIS is SO beneficial IN /improvING/ENCOURAGING/ the development of culture. It could be hard for us to imagine if there were no museums and art galleries.

To sum up, although new technology plays an important role in our daily liveS, it cannot,
AND SHOULD NOT, replace the traditional museums and art galleries.

Because of THE many reasons OUTLINED above, I FEEL we can apply the new high-technology to our traditional museums and art galleries, however we should realize the importance /of/IN/ conserving them.

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Good morning Jed. This was an excellent essay. It confirms my opinion that you are well capable of composing interesting and entertaining work. Very well done.

Kitos. 8.5/10
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Jed]

[quote="Kitosdad"]