Children of today

[Sunhoek]

Could anybody have a look at my essay that I have written ? Could anybody give me a comment to improve my writing style or approach ?

Thank you in advance.

Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world.

What are your opinions on this?

In modern society, it is fact that more children play video games than they have ever done in the past, where they played with friends in the playing park, such as playing football, basketball, variety of outdoor sports. However, as a result of urbanization, globalization and advanced technology the market of video games has expanded to meet demand of more parents, who can afford to buying video games for their children. On the on hand, it helped children to develop their intelligence and creativity by playing educational games such as suduku, chess, and a series of brain training games. However, side effects have been generated by being exposed to violent and cruel games for they are attractive to children to concentrate on more. Because of that, a lot of children became so obsessed with there games and concerns about influence of playing violent games have been arisen. However, when we look back out childhood every child tended to like playing with weapon-like toys and it did not affect our normal lives because we had recognized toys as no more than entertainment tools and they did not encourage us to commit crimes out of using them. Have we heard from media that gang of children caused crimes because of playing video games or by using weapon-like toys? Therefore, it is more reasonable approach to consider that cause of being bad children or violent is occurred by family relationship, environment of childhood, and relation with friends other than experience of playing violent and cruel video games.

Sunho

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of Social History (2)

[Kitosdad]

Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinions on this?

In TODAY'S society, it is A fact that more children play video games than they have ever done in the past, where they played with friends in the park, such GAMES as football, basketball, AND A variety of outdoor sports.
However, as a result of urbanization, globalization and advanced technology the market of video games has expanded to meet THE demandS of OLDER CHILDREN WHOSE PARENTS can afford to BUY video games for their children.

On the OTHER hand, it HAS helped MANY children to develop their intelligence and creativity, by THEIR playing educational games such as suduku, chess, and a series of brain training games.
However, SOME side effects have been generated by THEIR being exposed to violent and cruel games, WHICH APPEAR TO BE attractive to SOME children AND REQUIRE MORE CONCENTRATION.
Because of THIS a lot of children HAVE BECOME so obsessed with THESE games THAT concerns about THE influence of playing SUCH violent games have arisen.

However, when we look back AT OUR childhoodS every child tended to like playing with weapon-like toys, and it did not affect our normal lives because we had recognized toys as BEING no more than entertainment tools, and they did not encourage us to commit crimes BY using them.
Have we NOT ALL heard from THE media that gangS of children HAVE COMMITTED crimes because of THEIR playing video games, or by using weapon-like toys?

Therefore, IS IT NOT A MORE INTELLIGENT approach to consider that THE ROOT causeS of THEIR being bad OR VIOLENT?

THE UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR OF SOME children STEMS FROM family relationshipS, THE environment of THEIR UPBRINGING and relationSHIPS with friends, RATHER than THEIR BEING INFLUENCED BY THEIR playing OF violent and cruel video games.
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I liked this one Sunhoek. You write intelligently. Well done.

Kitos 7.5/10
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Sunhoek]

Thank you Kito for modification on my writing. I will try not to make the same mistake next time when I write other one.
I would like to let you know my real name. My name is Sunho and I would prefer to be called as my name so I will appreciate if you can call me Sunho when you see next time on board. Thanks again for your time and work on my essay.

Yours sincerely
Sunho