please can you assess my IELTS essay in the range from (1 to 9)

[Samiralbayati]

Internet is making the world smaller by bring people together.
to what extend do you agree or disagree?

It is true with no doubt ,that the revolution of Internet has transfered our lives tremendously
,and has made the world appears to be small,as the cause of this modern life communication(by accessing or surfing to Internet).
People nowadays,use this modern technology to communicate with their friends from remote zones ,so it is inevitably too important for them,to save time and make mates from different regions.
Certainly,we can enhance our relationships with people we find comfort and happiness with them,this can push and motivate to to become gradually very social ,lovely,uphold each other.
As well as,the rapports among countries also can be affected in a positive way,for instance their economy status,businesses merchants or traders can be benefited with these benefits their nations exchange.

All these advantages have been combined and reflected on their citizens,which can improve their medical care,education,build strong societies with co-operated people,who do their best to provide their friends in the other nations with the needs they want.
Also we can not igonre the role of charities,and their helps to poorer nations,these assistances are bit difficult to be settled without Internet.so,Internet open many doors to us and change our world from an ordinary era with many cults to peaceful era with little conflicts,battles,disputes and more humanist people.
These changes have been happened by interfering of human,they minimised our world to be as a small society.

nowadays,less people commit crimes because of the censorship,indeed we are dominated with it,hence,less criminals think to lead themselves to this wrong way and commit falses either kill,rape, which they always think to distort government reputation,but with this monitoring devices we can fail their operations easily,and make them unable to make a step forward.

TO sum up, I completely agree that Internet make people too close,and help our life in general in many fields,especially in communicating with people,everywhere in and time we prefer,with no restrictions.
Internet is making the world smaller by bring people together.
to what extend do you agree or disagree?

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation about toys

[Kitosdad]

Although you have a good grasp of vocabulary your essay lacks clarity. You must learn to write in a clear and concise manner. You have all the ingredients of a good writer, but you need a new menu.
Keep reading, reading, reading, and I do mean read, not just trolling through the words.
Examine what is being written and the way it is being written. This is the golden key to learning to write good English.

Rating 6/9. Improvement needed. READ!.

Kitos.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Samiralbayati]