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 #2 (permalink) Sat Jul 17, 2010 15:03 pm Please help me to describe this accident. |
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Hi, Hardwork.
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She was in the cab, the cab driver applied his break abruptly, and her face hit the fare-tracking machine. Though her eyes were spared injury, she got hurt just below, where a boil has developed.
She went to the doctor after her ride. But instead of taking her for medical attention, the insensitive driver merely took her to the original destination and collected the fare. |
You can call this an accident, but I wouldn't use that in a title or anywhere before I explained what happened. Accident + car = crash in most people's minds. I would just call it a facial injury.
Your first sentence was a run-on. You connected three insubordinate clauses with two coordinating conjunctions.
"Her eyes got saved" may initially imply they were injured but ultimately retained functionality.
I think you meant "checkup" rather than "cleanup," but both are wrong. The former is a routine doctor's appointment in which weight, blood pressure, sight, hearing, etc., are checked. An injury prompted this appointment, and it will not satisfy that definition. This, of course, is not true if she just happened to have a checkup and took care of her injury at that time. But if she went to the doctor specifically for the injury, that isn't the right word. A cleanup is literally the act of cleaning a room, refrigerator, spill, etc. Figuratively, it is the act of solving a problem or, in informal use, reforming bad behavior.
"Inhuman" feels like overstatement. It's closer in connotation to "brutal." He did not take her to the doctor, but the injury was unintentional and apparently not severe. I don't think that's the best adjective.
Your last sentence throws me off a bit. Was the the injury-inducing incident when he stopped the car at her final destination, or did they keep going until he reached it? I made my changes with the latter idea in mind. If it's the former, omit "took her to her original destination and" and then add "and left" to the end of that sentence. Also, if this all happened as she arrived at her destination, add "at her destination" to the of "the cab driver applied his break abruptly." This will boost clarity.
Another issue with your last sentence is syntax. The cab driver was not inhuman instead of taking her to the doctor he asked for her fare when she got hurt. See how that read as if all together? The prepositional phrase in your sentence actually introduces a new thought that could stand on its own, and it makes the reader stumble and begin anew. We read "instead of" as connected to the first thought, only to realize it begins another.
Three options:
The cab driver was inhuman. Instead of taking her to the doctor, he asked for the fare when she got hurt.
The cab driver was inhuman; instead of taking her to the doctor, he asked for the fare when she got hurt.
The cab driver was inhuman: Instead of taking her to the doctor, he asked for the fare when she got hurt.
The separate sentences are justified because both are complete thoughts. The semicolon is justified because the thoughts are closely connected. The colon is justified because you are essentially explaining the preceding sentence.
The parenthetical explanations seem patronizing, and they bog down the writing. If you think your readers don't know a word, it's often better to write around it or explain it tersely. Yours are long. If your audience knows what a boil is, they will think about pus anyway. And you used that word with no explanation, so I assume you think they do.
You need spaces after your periods. "Water" is not an accurate description of pus. |
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Mordant
Language Coach
Joined: 12 May 2010
Posts: 1964
Location: United States
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| #3 (permalink) Sat Jul 17, 2010 15:14 pm Please help me to describe this accident. |
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This was an accident as the cab driver did not set out to hurt her (whatever the outcome).
She was a passenger in a cab when the driver suddenly applied the brakes fiercely, propelling her forward forcefully so that her face hit the fare meter. Although she was obviously injured, the cab driver did not offer any assistance but merely demanded his fare. She visited the doctor to have her injuries cleaned and checked. Although she did not lose her sight she had injuries to her face below her eyes, which resulted in a painful abscess* developing in this area.
*An abscess comprises pus that has accumulated in a cavity formed by body tissue on the basis of an infectious process (usually caused by bacteria or parasites) or other foreign materials (e.g., splinters, bullet wounds, or injecting needles).
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Beeesneees
Language Coach
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| #4 (permalink) Sun Jul 18, 2010 0:30 am Please help me to describe this accident. |
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| I just changed the word to "fare-tracking." If you used that, please fix it. |
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Mordant
Language Coach
Joined: 12 May 2010
Posts: 1964
Location: United States
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| #5 (permalink) Sun Jul 18, 2010 8:21 am Please help me to describe this accident. |
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| Mordant wrote: |
| I just changed the word to "fare-tracking." If you used that, please fix it. |
If the person has got an injury just below one eye so can I say,"Fortunately her eyes were spared but she got an injury just below her eye." |
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 Hardwork
I'm here quite often ;-)
Joined: 11 Jun 2010
Posts: 242
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| #6 (permalink) Sun Jul 18, 2010 10:06 am Please help me to describe this accident. |
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| "Fortunately, her eyes were spared, but she was injured just below one." |
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Mordant
Language Coach
Joined: 12 May 2010
Posts: 1964
Location: United States
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| #7 (permalink) Sun Jul 18, 2010 10:52 am Please help me to describe this accident. |
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In my verasion, the change would need to be, "Although she did not lose her sight she had injuries to her face below one eye."
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Beeesneees
Language Coach
Joined: 08 Apr 2010
Posts: 20433
Location: UK, born and bred
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| Knock on/at the door | could/might |
