TOEFL essay sample - "Childhood is the happiest time...

[kylie]

Hi!
I was wondering if you could check my essay and grade it?

Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life.

Use reasons and specific examples to support your opinion.

Your Answer:
Right now i am looking trough the window and i see some kids how happy they are while they are playing with eachother. I have to admit that it is kind of hard for me for not being still a member of this infancy. If someone would ask me if i agree with a stetement that childhood is the happiest time of a person's life, i would say yes. Well if you are wondering why is that so i will explain that to you in the remaining of my essay.
The first and the main reason of my decision is that in this time everything is like in the fairteil, you belive in everything that is above realism. For example when i was about five or six years old i of course still belived in santa clous and there is no words to describe how happy i was when the christmas time was comming. I remmber the christmas morning when it was time to open my present, i allways got some sort of toy that i couldent left of my hand.
One good reason that i think childhood is the happiest time of a persons life is also the fact that you have no worries, children are tottaly careless about their future. Im so sure about that, because i was once i child and all i was thinking about was when will come another day, so i can go play again.
To sum up i sincerely belive that if a person doesnt have to much worries and if a person sometimes can be a litlle bit less realistic, this can be a really good way to achive happiness. Both of this qualitys i can find in childhood infancy and that is why i choose it for the happiest time of a person's life.

[Alan]

Right now i (I) am looking trough the window and i (I) see some kids. (NEW SENTENCE)
How happy they are while they are playing with eachother (EACH OTHER).
I have to admit that it is kind of hard for me for not being still a member of this infancy (NO LONGER BEING A CHILD/THAT I AM NO LONGER A CHILD).
If someone would ask (ASKED) me if i (I) (WOULD)agree with a stetement (STATEMENT) that childhood is the happiest time of a person's life, i (I) would say, yes.
Well if you are wondering why is that so (WHY THAT IS SO) i (I) will explain that to you in the remaining (PART) of my essay.
The first and the main reason of (FOR) my decision is that in (AT) this time everything is like (IT IS IN A FAIRY TALE) in the fairteil, you beliEve in everything that is above realism (BEYOND REALITY/THAT IS NOT REAL).

For example when i (I) was about five or six years old i (I) of course still beliEved in Santa clous(CLAUS) and there is (ARE) no words to describe how happy i (I) was when the christmas time was comming(CHRISTMAS WAS COMING) I remmber (REMEMBER) the (NO ARTICLE) Christmas morning when it was time to open my present, i (I) allways got some sort of toy that i couldent left of my hand. (I ALWAYS GOT SOME KIND OF TOY I COULDN'T LET GO OF/I HELD IN MY HANDS ALL THE TIME).
One good reason that i (I) think childhood is the happiest ime of a persons (APOSTROPHE PERSON'S) life is also the fact that you have no worries (NEW SENTENCE). Children are tottaly careless (COMPLETELY/TOTALLY CAREFREE) about their
future. Im (APOSTOPHE I'M) so sure about that, because i (I) was once i (I) A child and all i was thinking about was when will come another day, so i can go play again. (AND ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT WAS WHEN WOULD THE NEXT DAY COME SO I COULD GO AND PLAY AGAIN). To sum up i (I) sincerely believe that if a person doesnt (DOESN'T) have to much (TOO MANY WORRIES) worries and if a person sometimes can be a litlle (LITTLE) bit less realistic, this can be a really good way to achiEve happiness. Both of this qualitys (THESE QUALITIES) i (I) can find in childhood AND infancy and that is why i choose it for the happiest time of a person's life.

This is quite good but there are a lot of mistakes that can be avoided like agreement (singular/ plural), spelling, use of capital letter for first person singular, use of apostrophe. The reason I say this is because you sometimes make a mistake with a word/construction and then you don't make a mistake with the same word/construction. My advice is for you to practise writing shorter sentences and using words that you know well. Simple English and short sentences can be very effective.
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English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Words, words, words...

[kylie]

Quite good? I can't believ it
Thank you.