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Individual sports or team sports? Can you revise my paragraph? Thanks already!



 
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Individual sports or team sports? Can you revise my paragraph? Thanks already! #1 (permalink) Fri Aug 13, 2010 11:44 am   Individual sports or team sports? Can you revise my paragraph? Thanks already!
 

Hi sir/madam. This is my first paragraph in this site. I'm a student in Turkey at Middle East Technical University. Because I prepare my university's proficiency exam and I don't know that how is written essay in TOEFL, I wrote such organization. If you revise my paragraph, I will be happy. Thanks already.

Which do you think is better for teenagers, individual sports or team sports? Explain your view in a paragraph of about 200 words, providing reasons that support it.

Sports can be broadly classified into two groups; individual sports and team sports. Both of them have several advantages for people's personalities, so people prefer one of them based on their interests. Hovewer, I think that team sports have more benefits than individual sports. First of all, if people join a team, they can be the leader in their team. On the other hand, any individual sports gives this chance to them. As a result, team sports can help people to earn a spirit of leadership. Secondly, people who play team sports have team spirit. It means responsibility for the team as well as patience. On the contrary, people playing individual sports can be selfish because they don't have any responsibility for someone and they can want to take over. Consequently, people playing team sports are sharing, patient and unselfish. In addition, another advantage of team sports is the community aspect of team sports. This means that if you play team sport, you have different people in order to train with measure yourself against. Therefore, team sports can help you to develop yourself. Unlike team sports, if you play individual sports, you don't have such this chance because you don't have a team in order to compare yourself with other people. To sump up, I think that team sports are better than individual sports due to leadership, responsibility and opportunities of developing yourself.

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Anxious
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Joined: 11 Aug 2010
Posts: 26
Location: Turkey

Individual sports or team sports? Can you revise my paragraph? Thanks already #2 (permalink) Fri Aug 13, 2010 12:18 pm   Individual sports or team sports? Can you revise my paragraph? Thanks already
 

Hi sir/madam. This is my first paragraph in this site. I'm a student in Turkey at Middle East Technical University. Because I prepare my university's proficiency exam and I don't know that how is written essay in TOEFL, I wrote such organization. If you revise my paragraph, I will be happy. Thanks already.

Which do you think is better for teenagers, individual sports or team sports? Explain your view in a paragraph of about 200 words, providing reasons that support it.

Sports can be broadly classified into two groups; individual sports and team sports. Both of them have several advantages for people's personalities, so people prefer one of them based on their interests. HoWeVer, I think that team sports have more benefits than individual sports. First of all, if people join a team, they can be the leader in their team. On the other hand, any individual sports gives this chance to them. As a result, team sports can help people to earn a spirit of leadership. Secondly, people who play team sports have team spirit. It means responsibility for the team as well as HAVING patience. On the contrary, people playing individual sports can be selfish because they don't have any responsibility for someone and /they can want to take over.???/ Consequently, people playing team sports are sharing, patient and unselfish. In addition, another advantage of team sports is the community aspect of team sports. This means that if you play A team sport, you have different people in order to train with AND measure yourself against. Therefore, team sports can help you to develop yourself. Unlike team sports, if you play individual sports, you don't have such this chance because you don't have a team in order to compare yourself with other people.

To SUM up, I think that team sports are better than individual sports due to leadership, responsibility and opportunities of developing yourself.
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Not bad Anxious, but practice definitely needed.

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Individual sports or team sports? Can you revise my paragraph? Thanks already! #3 (permalink) Fri Aug 13, 2010 13:14 pm   Individual sports or team sports? Can you revise my paragraph? Thanks already!
 

Thanks a lot sir.
Anxious
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 11 Aug 2010
Posts: 26
Location: Turkey

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