Can someone grade my issue essay?

[Yllihp]

Hi, can someone grade my essay and perhaps give me suggestions on how i could improve? I will return the favour for anyone else preparing for the gre!!

The issue:

"Too much emphasis has been placed on the need for students to challenge the assertions of others. In fact, the ability to compromise and work with others—that is, the ability to achieve social harmony—should be a major goal in every school."

My essay:

The issue of whether students should challenge the assertions of others is a controversial one. On the one hand, people's assertions are not always correct, and challenging them is the first step to disabusing them of their incorrect notions. On the other hand, the ability to compromise is needed to achieve social harmony. However in the final analysis, I believe that challenging others' assertions rather than simply accepting them is essential for society to advance.

In the past, the world's "great minds" have made assertions that we now deem incorrect today. People used to believe that the earth was flat and that the sun revolved around the earth. Isaac Newton, considered one of the greatest physicists, asserted that light is made up of discrete particles. However, Thomas Young, rebuked this theory a few hundred years later, asserting that light is actually a wave. An even more modern physicist then came up with another concept - Wave-particle duality - the assertion that light consists of particles (photons) and at the same time is also a wave. This wave-particle duality concept is now accepted by the modern scientific community, and is the basis of many modern diffraction experiments. Without these physicists challenging concepts that at their time were 'fundamental' and incontrovertible, our understanding of physics would not have advanced.

However, it can be argued that challenging others promotes animosity, and the ability to compromise is needed to achieve social harmony. A team of people working together is always more effective than one person working alone. This is evident in sports; The Detroit Pistons had no player averaging more than 20 points per game in 2004, and were able to win the championship due to their balance and team chemistry. Such team chemistry requires social harmony, and challenging team mates would be counterproductive to achieving such harmony.

However, one can argue back that challenging others promotes competition. For many people, competition serves as motivation to work harder, and to complete assignments quicker and to a higher standard. In the long term, society would benefit from this as it would therefore advance more rapidly.

In conclusion, people's assertions are not always correct, and for society to advance, their assertions must be challenged and corrected. While one can argue that compromising is needed to promote effective team work, such compromise can at the same time make people lazy. Competition serves as motivation for people to work harder, and this competition is encouraged by challenging other people rather than simply compromising and acception their assertions.

[TutorPhil]

Yllihp,

This is an intellectually beautiful essay. You present your thesis very clearly. Your support is presented in the order it had been outlined in the thesis statement. And your conclusion has no fluff (although I'm not a fan of conclusions). This is structured so well that it makes me wonder where you learned to write like this! Nice work.

So, a couple of details to pay attention to:

1. Keeping sentences as tight as possible:

In the past, the world's "great minds" have made assertions that we now deem incorrect today.

The word 'now' here is redundant - use either 'today' or 'now.'

2. The definite article and a little style thing:

In conclusion, people's assertions are not always correct, and for society to advance in order for the society to advance, their assertions must be challenged and corrected.

Other than these, you are a-okay. Full credit.

Phil

www.TutorPhil.com

[Yllihp]

thanks TutorPhil!