Help! Please critique my issue essay!

[Qwertyness]

Wrote this as part of the Sparknotes online GRE exam, please offer constructive criticism. Thank you in advance :D

“The value of a person’s education can best be measured by what profession it allows that person to pursue.”

The topic of whether the value of a person's education can best be measured by what profession it allows that
person to pursue is indeed a complex one. On one hand it is assumed throughout school and university that the
education received in these institutions will ultimately help a person build a career in the profession of their
choice, on another there are people that don't pursue an education for the sake of building a career, but rather
to advance and amass their knowledge. I believe that while a value of a person's education can be measured by what
profession it allows them to pursue, it always isn't the best way to do so.

The process of higher education in America is set up in a way that allows a person to choose their education in
accordance with their professional goals. In school you can take higher classes in the field of your choice. So
for example, someone that wants to get into banking will choose Finance, while another person that hopes of
pursuing a career in Psychiatry can take Psychology. Even when applying to a college for your undergraduate degree,
a prospective student's personal statement is sure to mention their career goals and how they relate to the education
being sought. The same process is used when applying for further education into graduate and PhD. programs. The
education system is set up in a way, that even to recieve an education one has to link it to some professional
goal. In this way, the process of receiving an education in the eyes of many is a stepping stone toward a
profession of their choice and ultimately the value of one's education is measured by their ability to acheive
these goals.

On the other hand some people don't learn of get degrees solely with a profession in mind. Their choice to learn a
get educated is piqued by their curiosity and the desire to know more about the world. A lot of people will
major in liberal arts instead of specialized fields like Business or Accounting in order to learn and not just
land a job. Also, sometimes people will choose to educate themselves in fields that have no bearing on the
profession they want to choose.For example, a writer doesn't really have to major in English in order to have pursue this profession, s/he could very well have
studied math through college. Or on the other hand, a person that eventually lands up on Wall Street working
in investment banking, could previously have gotten a degree in Sociology. While it might be considered that the
education they received had no bearing on their profession, to call it unvaluable for this reason would be faulty.

In Conclusion, while using the value of a person's education can be measured by what profession it allows them to
pursue, it isn't the only way to do so. The value of a person's education ultimately can only be measured by the
person who chose to pursue it and what their motivation was for it.

[Kitosdad]

Very nice work Qwertyness. A few small errors but quite understandable and interesting.

Kitos. 9/10
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Qwertyness]

Thank you for your prompt reply. I appreciate it very much! I honestly do!

[Jurat911]

issue 30:"the primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time"

outline:

A:Firts of all,technological advancement carries significant opportunity costs and great socail benefits.Humankind uses the high tech product to relief their toughest work.Especially,the driling mashine,for example,it get rid of the mine worker's headache,and bring them a lot of conveniences.

B:Secondly,high technological advancement plays a significant role in our life.it could improves people's life quality.The washing mashine,for example,it reliefes the women's hard work,and reduces their burden.Another striking example of technological advancement is electronic product.Nowadays,most people likes to purchase electronic product.laptop computer,smart phone etc,for example,many young person pursure the high tech product,it becomes their main entertainment.

C:in conclution,technological advancement carries great socail benefits and conveniences.Since the high tech product comes into people's daily life,thier life level has been improved a lot.technological advancement has promoted the social progress.

please critique my issue essay's outline,give me some tips~~~(it just a outline, I need your tips,)

[Jurat911]

anyone help me critique my issue essay,thank you~~~

[Beeesneees]

Hi Jurat,

Welcome to the forums.
In order to achieve a balanced well thought out essay, you will also have to give consideration to any disadvantages of technological development.
What about spiralling costs; the rate of change leading to so much 'dead' technology which isn't being reused/recycled; less actual interaction between people; cases of cyber bullying.

Give both sides of the argument, highlighting how the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, then your conclusion has more credence.

Your outline contains many spelling mistakes. You need to be aware of that problem. You also forget spaces after punctuation marks which would lose you marks in an exam.
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Cheers m' dears!

[Jurat911]

I very apprieciated for your comment,and I will be rectify my disadvantage~~~thanks for your tips,I try to my best!!!

[Jurat911]

issue 130: "how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.unfortunatly,we have not yet learned how to raise the children who can help bring about a better soceity."

my personal statement about this topic:
____________________________________________________________

In this topic, the speaker mentions that correlation between children's socialization and building a better society.I concede that the degree of children's socialization might influence the society's future, but considerin building a bettre socity, only depends on the chilgren's socialization is an not wisdom solution.furthermore, the speaker unfairly conclude that we have no capability raising the children to build a harmonic society, and bring them a bright future.
from my point of view, children's socializations carries more significant opportunities, and it is gratly beneficial for our society. it is not only determines the societal destiny, but also might affect social overall progress.in some extent, socialization is not the only factor influencing social overall trends.values such as persistence, honesty, probity,kindness,and skillful are considered as core lessons for teaching child education.now more parents and educational institutions closely pays attention childrens educating, and provides more opportunity for them to develop their comprehensive skills.it could brings more social benefits.

dear coach, I really confuse about this issue.I don't know how to finish this topic's conclusion.please give me some advise and correct my inconplete essay.I need your help~~~