My SOP for Merchandising

[Beeesneees]

Hi Ketki,

The Statement of Purpose is the part of your application that will tell the admissions committee who you are, what has influenced your career path so far, your professional interests and where you see your career heading from where it is now. Because it is an expression of your personality, if I've made any changes to the language which you feel 'isn't really you' please change them back! There are very few grammatical issues and most of the changes I've made are an attempt to try to improve the way the essay reads as a whole.

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A strong intro which sets the scene for why you want to follow this career path and demonstrates that you have already conducted some basic research.

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A clear outline of earlier studies and the reasons for the choices you made.

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Factual information explaining how your expertise developed. It's good as it is, but the following short anecdotes about key events brings it to life!

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Some of the changes I've made (in this and other paragraphs) aren't because you used poor grammar, but to avoid too much repetition in the vocabulary.

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I've changed 'feel the need' to 'decided', etc. because it seems more dynamic and purposeful - less wishy-washy!
When did you start your Master's degree? Perhaps you can add something along these lines in the appropriate place:
'Although I was now in full-time employment, I recognised the benefits that I could gain by continuing formal education, so I began to study part-time for my Master's degree in...'

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This phrase 'came across' makes it sound as if you weren't actively seeking a course of study.

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A strong conclusion with clear expressions of what you can offer, as well as what you have to gain.

If you don't understand why I've made any of the changes, feel free to ask! Good luck with your application.
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Cheers m' dears!

[Azkad]

Thank you Beeesneees. You are very helpful.

[Kitosdad]

I think you are lacking in superlatives Azkad. That was really great work by Bev.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Ketki.karachiwala]

Great Great work i m sure...i will be coming back to you..beeesseess

.Kittos...really appreciate your help! :)....i would correct and get back...

[Ketki.karachiwala]

hi beeeesnees

can you tell me if my conclusion is clear enough or i need to work on it??

[Beeesneees]

Hi Ketki,

I described your conclusion as 'strong'. I wouldn't have said that if I didn't think it was also clear. ;)
If you want to add anything at al;l to it, then I think it would be enough to summarise the other things you hope to get from the course, other than the chance for some professional networking.
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Cheers m' dears!

[Ketki.karachiwala]

so u think its ok to be sent?? or i still need to work??...one more thing...im working on my ref letters...but dont kno how to show it to u as it is in PDF Format...can v have some solution??

[Beeesneees]

Hi Ketki,
In order to help others attain the same high standard of English that you are capable of, please don't use 'txtspk' on the forum.
Only you can decide whether or not you are happy with your SOP - I make no guarantees that it is what that particular University would want. All I can say is it looks very acceptable to me.

It should be possible to copy and paste text from a PDF file into the forum.
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Cheers m' dears!

[Ketki.karachiwala]

ok...thanks